The Legend of Link and the Teufort Nine
by Lord Siravant
Summary: After a magical accident during a Merasmission, the BLU Team is left stranded and scattered across a strange land called Hyrule. However, they've arrived just in time to help a certain fairy boy in green save the world from the tyrannical reign of Ganondorf. The forces of evil won't even know what hit them. Rated T for TF2.
1. Why Pissing Off Wizards Isn't Smart

**Chapter One: Why Pissing Off Ancient Wizards Isn't Smart**

 _Halloween night, Carnival of Carnage_ …

RED and BLU were fighting as always, though this time things had been mixed up by Merasmus after RED Soldier's most recent slight against the wizard. They were all surrounded by a madcap carnival where the attractions were hazards to avoid and the goal was to seize the Bombonomicon like it were an intelligence briefcase and bring it to the lift that would send the losing team to Hell. (for a short while, anyways)

And in the midst of the chaos, RED and BLU both found themselves back at the lift, pinned in place as Merasmus's disembodied voice, having temporarily blocked out the (doubtlessly infuriated) Administrator, howled victoriously in their ears.

" _Yes,_ _ **YES**_ _! The Wheel_!"

A huge wheel with various curses and buffs began spinning above them, deciding what new spell would help or hinder the two teams next.

Nobody, least of all Merasmus himself, expected it to spark and start spinning out of control.

" _Wait, wait, what_?" Merasmus declared in confusion. " _That's not supposed to happen_!"

"Ah can bloodeh move again!" RED Demoman cried, waving his arms.

"That thing's gonna blow!" RED Engineer yelled, running. "Let's get outta here!"

RED Team took the initiative and booked it as far as they could from the malfunctioning magical device. BLU Team, however, was not so fortunate. A bright flash of light, and one explosion later, and all nine mercenaries of Builder's League United were totally obliterated.

Or at least, that's what RED would say afterwards to their livid employer, while Merasmus wisely slipped into the shadows and was never heard from again.

XXXXXX

" _Navi_ …

" _Navi the Fairy_ …

" _A blanket of evil enshrouds the land… Even now, the servants of evil are gaining strength, preparing for an assault on our world…before this darkness, even my power is as nothing… Go now, Navi…find the boy without a fairy…His journey is about to_ …?!"

" _G-Great Deku Tree! What's wrong_?!"

" _Something…something has happened…a powerful force of magic has brought a stranger to our forest…Navi…I do not have much time left…bring them both to me…the boy…and the stranger_ …"

XXXXXX

"Uuuuuuugh…"

BLU Sniper groaned from the migraine pounding through his skull, putting a hand to his forehead as he blearily opened his eyes, his vision unfocused.

Someone, a child from the sounds of it, gasped. "He's waking up!"

"What do we do?" another child, a girl, whimpered.

"Harumph! I say we toss him out in the Lost Woods before he tries to hurt us!" a boy's voice gruffly spoke up.

 _Mouthy little wanker_ , Sniper immediately thought to himself, his vision starting to clear.

"Stop it, Mido! You don't know if he'll actually do that!" yet another girl (why were there so many kids?) chastised.

Sniper shook his head and sat up straight, finally taking in his surroundings. He appeared to be inside a wooden hut, with simple furnishings. But that wasn't what drew his attention. It was the eight or nine kids wearing green clothes that were surrounding him, their expressions ranging from curiosity and suspicion to fear and, in one case, hostility. All of them had glowing balls with wings fluttering overhead.

Sniper blinked as he looked at each kid through his omnipresent sunglasses, and then realized something. He felt a draft on his head. His eyes widened as he patted his head, finding that his hat was not resting on it. Seeing this, a girl with green hair stepped forward and held it out to him. "Here, sir," she said cautiously. "Is this what you're looking for?"

Sniper breathed a sigh of relief. "Thanks, Shiela," he said gratefully as he took it from her and put it back on his head where it belonged.

"Saria."

"Wot?" Sniper uttered, looking up at her confused.

"My name's Saria, not Shiela," the green-haired girl explained patiently.

Sniper adjusted his hat awkwardly. "Sorry, just an Aussie way'a addressin' a lass." He looked around again. "Where am Oi? How far am Oi from Teufort? And bloody hell, where're your parents?"

"See? This guy's nuts!" a boy with blonde hair, a pointed cap, and a snobbish expression on his face snapped, gesturing towards the mercenary.

"Mido, shut up," Saria snapped right back irritably. "He's obviously not from around here."

"Yeah, if the big white light that dropped him here was any indication," a girl with yellow hair tied into two balls at the base of her neck pointed out.

Sniper's eyes suddenly bulged as the memories hit him. "T-that broight whoite loight! Did anyone else come outta it?!"

The kids all slowly shook their heads. "No…just you," Saria replied.

Sniper was quiet for a moment. "Well…if Oi'm aloive, then they've gotta be too," he said to himself with conviction. "So where're your parents? Oi need to talk to someone who can help me out."

"U-um," one of the girls spoke up hesitantly. "We don't have parents like normal people. We came from the Great Deku Tree. We're Kokiri."

"Wait, so you're sayin' you're plant people?" Sniper asked, not really believing it.

"Yes and no," Saria explained. "It would be really difficult to explain to an outsider, so…"

"So the only 'adult' Oi can talk to here…is a tree."

"I'm afraid so," Saria confirmed. "We Kokiri stop aging past a certain point. We stay kids our whole lives."

 _How the bloody hell do they even reproduce_? Sniper wondered. "So, uh, what's with the glowin' mosquitoes hangin' over your heads?"

Several of the aforementioned balls of light looked offended by this, their wings drooping as their lights slowly took on more reddish tones. "Those are our guardian fairies, you jerk!" Mido snapped. "Our partners!"

"Now Oi'll be the first to say that magic's real," Sniper countered. "Oi've had my fair share'a encounters with an angry wizard. But tellin' me that fairies are real is stretchin' it _real_ thin there."

"Fairies are most certainly real, mister," Saria said, as patiently as always. "Though you aren't alone in your belief; fairies haven't been seen in large numbers outside the Lost Woods and Tarm Ruins for centuries. A lot of outsiders probably do think they don't exist anymore."

It was at that moment that another Kokiri abruptly entered, drawing every eye in the room to him, and eventually the fairy hovering over his head. Saria was the first to respond, a big smile gracing her features as her hands clapped over her mouth. "Link! You did it! You finally got a fairy!" she gasped elatedly.

"OH, COME ON!" Mido shouted. "After all these years, something weird happens and NOW he gets his own fairy?!"

"Guys, there's no time!" the fairy cried in a tiny, high-pitched but definitely female voice. "The Great Deku Tree is in trouble!"

The Kokiri all gasped, while Sniper remained silent, watching the scene play out with his eagle-like attentiveness. "What do you mean, something's wrong with the Great Deku Tree?" Mido snapped, his hands on his hips.

"He's sick," Link said with an urgent look on his face. "He said he wanted to see me, but he also said something about a 'stranger who entered the forest'…"

"Er…moight that be me, perhaps?" Sniper suddenly spoke up, raising a hand awkwardly.

The fairy flitted right up to Sniper's face, regarding him closely as he drew back. "Croikey, that's broight."

"You're a human," she observed. "But I've never seen clothes like yours before...why are you here?"

"Look, last Oi remember, Oi was foightin' the RED Team over the Bombonomicon Ex-Pootis in some insane killer carnival Merasmus the Wizard cooked up because the RED Team's Soldier pissed him off again. Then the big bloody wheel that decoided what spell would affect us all for the next few seconds went outta control, then there was this big flash'a loight, and now Oi'm apparently here."

Everyone around him was perfectly silent for several moments.

"Yep, definitely crazy," Mido muttered under his breath.

"Listen, ya little miniature delinquent," Sniper suddenly growled. "Oi'm not one to call moiself the sanest'a buggers, but everythin' Oi said was the truth, and Oi don't take too well to bein' called a liar. So come on down off your hoigh horse and keep a lid on that bloody mouth before Oi do somethin' to ya that you will _never_ forget."

Mido huffed as he left the house.

"Oooookay, hey listen, if you could just come with us to meet the Great Deku Tree, that would be nice," Link's fairy uncertainly chimed.

"What the hell?" Sniper shrugged as he stood up, grunting at his sore back and knees. "Oi was gonna visit the bugger anyways."

"Just follow us," Link said purposefully, exiting the house.

Sniper followed behind, and about thirty feet behind them, the other Kokiri trailed after them, anxious to see what was wrong with their guardian. As they walked, Sniper took in the scenery around him. He had apparently been sent to some fairy-tale forest, with houses carved into giant tree stumps and various wooden bridges connecting them together via their roofs. The air was thick with dancing lights of multiple colors. _Not a bad place to end up, all things considered_ , Sniper mused to himself.

Link awkwardly looked up at the much-taller man and cleared his throat. "Uh, my name's Link, by the way. This here's my new fairy partner, Navi. What's your name?"

Sniper looked down at him as they walked. "Mundy. Lawrence Mundy, though oftentoimes Oi go boi the toitle of moi occupation."

"And what's that?' Navi asked curiously.

"Snoipah."

"A…a _Sniper_?" Navi marveled, taken aback.

Link blinked in confusion. "What's a Sniper?"

"Long-range assassin class," Sniper explained. "You won't know Oi'm there till it's too late. Oi'll have already planted a bullet roight between your eyes from three hundred yards off."

Navi yelped, hiding under Link's hat. Sniper just shrugged. "Relax, Shiela. Oi ain't in the business'a killin' fairies. Though Oi do follow the Code'a Snoipahs to the letter. Be polite. Be efficient. Have a plan to kill _everyone_ ya meet."

" _That's not helping_!" Navi shrieked from under Link's hat.

"So you know how to fight?" Link hesitantly asked, hoping to change the subject and calm Navi down.

"Oi'm a mercenary. Fightin's what Oi do."

"Then maybe you'll be a big help after all…oh _no_."

Sniper stopped walking right after Link did. "What?"

He followed Link's irritated gaze over to the entrance to the Great Deku Tree's Meadow, and found Mido standing defiantly in the middle, blocking the path. "Where do you think you're going, weirdoes?"

"To see the Great Deku Tree, Mido," Link growled. "He summoned us."

Mido petulantly folded his arms. "What is it about you that makes Saria and the Great Deku Tree love you so much?!"

"Probably because you're a whoiny wankah and a spoiled brat," Sniper spoke up, his eyes narrowed. "Now step asoide. This is moi last warnin'."

"Hmph! Maybe you can take care of yourself, mister, but Link here ain't even a real man! I don't care what the Deku Tree says: if Link wants to get past me, he's gotta get a sword and shield first!"

"Alroight, Oi warned ya enough," Sniper grunted.

Then, before Link, Navi, or Mido could do or say anything else, Sniper reached into his vest pocket and hurled a bottle of strange yellow liquid at Mido. It smashed into his chest, thankfully shattering easily so that no harm came from the shrapnel, but Mido was now coated in the mysterious contents.

"Oh, yuck!" Link exclaimed, holding his nose. "It smells like…" He then noticed the shit-eating grin on Sniper's face. "You gotta be _kidding_ …"

"YUCK!" Mido cried, looking over his drenched body. "It smells gross! What is this?!"

Sniper was grinning from ear to ear as he answered, "Let's just say that you now give new meanin' to the term ' _pissbaby_ '."

The look of horror on Mido's face was truly comical. "OH MY GODDESSES, IS THIS YOUR _PEE_?!"

"Or as Oi loike to call it, _Jarate_!" Sniper cackled.

Mido couldn't even scream because that would mean drawing in the scent of the human's bottled urine. Gagging and coughing up a fit, he ran past them and dove into the nearby stream. The whole time, Link and Sniper were laughing their fool asses off.

"Oh sweet Din, the look on his _face_!" Link howled with laughter, doubling over as tears spilled from his eyes.

"YeHA HA HA ha ha ha ha heh heh heh!" Sniper cackled merrily. "Wankah had it comin'!"

Link sighed merrily as he stood, slowly sobering up, though his cheeks were still red. "He's right, though; if I'm gonna help the Great Deku Tree, I'm gonna need to find something to defend myself with."

"Kid, Oi got enough skill for the both of us," Sniper commented, unsheathing a large knife with a curved blade that widened on the end and bent slightly inward. "This 'ere's moi trusty kukri. Bloody beaut, ain't it?"

"That's a _really_ big knife," Navi commented uncertainly, still not quite ready to leave the safety of Link's hat.

Sniper grinned as he sheathed it. "Comes in handy when Oi wanna get rid'a Spoies." He deflated a little as he sighed. "Still wish Oi had moi snoipah roifle with me, or even moi old Huntsman, but it looks loike it didn't make the trip with me."

"Still, I think I should go get a sword and shield," Link pointed out. "Just in case."

"And where're you gonna foind either'a those out here?"

"The store sells shields, and I know where to find a sword," Link replied, starting off. "I'll be right back!"

Sniper rolled his eyes and shook his head, ignoring Mido as he continued to thrash about in the water, frantically trying to cleanse himself. True to his word, Link eventually returned a few minutes later, carrying a gold-handled short sword with a foot-long blade in his left hand and a wooden shield with a red spiral marking on his right.

"I'm ready," Link declared. "Let's go."

As Sniper followed the young boy, he had the strange feeling that he was letting himself be pulled into something very, very big. The dimensionally-displaced mercenary scoffed to himself as he thought about it.

 _So much for professionalism_.


	2. Infestation

**Chapter Two: Infestation**

Sniper's eyes widened as he walked into the Deku Tree's Meadow alongside Link. " _Croikey_ ," he whispered. "That's the biggest damn tree Oi've ever seen."

"Show some respect!" Link admonished. "That's the Great Deku Tree!"

Navi flitted up to hover in front of the Deku Tree's face. "Great Deku Tree, I'm back!"

A voice like ancient, croaking wood boomed in their ears as the Great Deku Tree spoke. "Navi…thou hast done well…"

 _Bloody hell, the tree actually talks_ , Sniper thought.

"Great Deku Tree, what's wrong with you?" Link cried. "What's happened?"

"Link…stranger…listen well to what I have to tell ye…" the Great Deku Tree slowly said. "A curse has been cast upon me…a curse that has sapped my power and left the forest vulnerable to an infestation of evil…Link, I have seen your courage…will you undertake this task?"

"Yes!" Link answered, nodding his head anxiously. "Just tell me where to go!"

Though the Tree's face had not moved an inch, Sniper could somehow feel its gaze center on him. "Stranger from another world…I know I am asking a great deal of thee…but will you help Link sever the source of the evil that even now eats away at my roots?"

"Oi'm a professional," Sniper declared. "Professionals aren't supposed to get involved in local business or personal loives. But all that asoide, there's no way in hell Oi'm lettin' this kid run off boi himself into danger. Oi lost a good friend'a moine that way when Oi was a lad in the Outback."

"I don't need a babysitter," Link grumbled under his breath.

"Then enter, brave travelers, and prove thy courage and loyalty," the Great Deku Tree bade as his mouth slowly fell open to allow them entry. "Hurry…I do not have much time left…"

Sniper sighed as he unsheathed his kukri. "Oi'm gonna need to make moiself a new bow after this. Oi don't like gettin' in close unless Oi hafta."

Steeling themselves, Link and Sniper ventured inside the Great Deku Tree, taking in their surroundings.

"He's hollow on the insoide, now how does that make any sense?" Sniper questioned before catching himself. "You know what? Nevermoind. Trees aren't supposed to talk either, but he certainly did."

Navi flitted over to a large hole situated in the very middle of the room that was covered in unnaturally thick spiderwebs. "The Great Deku Tree said that the source of the curse was down inside his roots," she said. "These webs are too thick for us to get through just with our own weight, but down there is where we have to go." She looked up, noticing that there were vines towards the back on the wall that allowed access to another floor. "Maybe if we jumped on it from a great height…"

"Why not just cut through it?" Link offered.

"As thick as it is, I wouldn't recommend it," Navi responded. "Your blade will just get stuck."

"Now how big would a spoidah hafta get to make a web loike this?" Sniper asked.

Navi gulped. "Very big."

Sniper snorted. "Probably big enough to eat a man. Croikey."

Link started heading towards the vines when something abruptly emerged from the ground and lunged at him. Only quick reflexes saved him from a nasty bite. "Ah! Darn Deku Baba!"

"A whot now?" Sniper demanded, striding towards the source of the disturbance, his kukri at the ready.

"A Deku Baba," Navi helpfully explained, hovering over the plant-like monster as it snapped at Link, trying to reach him. "A predatory plant that lives here in the forest and in dark, moist places. This is what people harvest Deku Nuts and Sticks from, depending on how you kill it. If you destroy the head, you get a nut, and if you chop off the stem, you get a stick."

"Are the nuts edible?" Sniper asked as the Deku Baba continued to snap fruitlessly at an out-of-range Link.

"No," Navi replied. "They're for a different purpose."

"If a Deku Nut splits open, it makes a big flash of light," Link explained, eyeing the Deku Baba warily. "Perfect for quick getaways or stunning enemies."

Sniper scoffed. "Spoi would _love_ those."

"The Deku Stick would make for a handy torch if there were any fires around," Navi continued. "They're pretty durable too. On the rare occasions the Kokiri have had to defend the forest, they used Deku Sticks to make spears."

"So what 'dya think?" Sniper offered, noting that the Deku Baba never seemed to give up. "Stick or Nut?"

Link began to approach the Deku Baba, and with a yell, he struck it on the nose with his sword. The Baba recoiled, its head shooting up, leaving the stem vulnerable. Link wasted no time in severing it. The severed Baba fell to the ground, its head crumbling and the stem withering into a Deku Stick. "We might need a torch later," Link explained.

"Oi'll hold onto that," Sniper said. "Oi can carry it in the quiver on moi back."

Link nodded and handed the stick over to the blue-clad mercenary. "Those vines look thick enough for us to climb," Navi offered. "So let's get going!"

Link and Sniper began to climb. "So," Link grunted from the exertion. "What's it like, where you're from?"

"Oi grew up in the Australian Outback," Sniper explained, barely winded. "Where literally everythin' is troin' to kill ya. All the spoidahs 'n snakes are deadly poisonous, and everythin' else is extremely aggressive."

"Sounds like a charming place," Navi commented sarcastically.

"It's okay though, because the majority'a Australians're musclebound geniuses thanks to the rich Australium deposits in our land," Sniper continued nonchalantly.

Link actually paused at the absurdity of such a statement. " _What_?"

"Australium," Sniper repeated. "Long story short, it's a very strange rock with powers that defy any sense'a logic. It powered our old bosses' loife extender machines, our Respawn devoices, and all koinds'a other things. And loike Oi said, anyone exposed to it for long becomes a musclebound genius with an Australian accent loike moine, no matter what nationality they actually are."

"That is one of the strangest things I have ever heard," Navi uttered, having trouble processing the sheer silliness of the concept of Australium.

"Oi could go on all day about how wacky our world is, but we got a job to do," Sniper ended the conversation as he resumed climbing.

Link coughed awkwardly as he followed. "Ahem, right."

Soon enough the two of them reached the next floor, which consisted of a wooden ledge that wound its way around the inside of the Deku Tree's trunk. However, more spiderwebs blocked any attempts to jump down.

"Uh oh," Navi abruptly spoke up as they suddenly heard a strange scratching sound.

"What is it?" Link asked.

"We can't go to the next floor yet. There's skullwalltulas in the way."

They looked up to see several spiders with skull-like carapaces the size of a human head skittering along the vines above them. "They'll attack us if we try to climb any further," Navi continued. "Maybe we can find something to fix that in here."

As they stepped off the vines onto the ledge, Sniper sighed. "Dammit, if only Oi had moi roifle or Huntsman, Oi'd make sort work'a those wankahs."

"Look!" Link pointed ahead of them. "I see a door there!"

"Alroight, let's see where it goes," Sniper bade, walking ahead as he kept his eye out for any trouble. However, he abruptly stopped, holding out an arm to hold Link back.

"Giant skull spoidah, roight above us over there," he murmured.

Seeing where he was pointing, Navi said, "That's a skulltula. Their carapaces are hard enough to turn small blades like yours, but if you could get at its underbelly, you could kill it."

"Or its head," Sniper offered. "Since we got no long-range weapons on us, we'll hafta get in close, so here's what we do. Oi'll distract the bugger, and you come at it from behoind. Got it?"

Link nodded, readying his sword. Sniper went ahead, waving his arms as he tried to get the skulltula's attention. "Oi! Down here, ya big-head wankah! Look at me, ya freakish eight-legged mutant!"

Link snuck around behind the giant spider right before it began to descend a long strand of thick silk. Right as it entered Link's range, his stabbed his sword into the soft underbelly of the skulltula. With a hiss of pain, it fell off its silk strand and died. Sniper chuckled in his throat as he approached. "Good one, mate!"

"Now for that door," Link said.

The door slid open of its own accord at their approach, but as they stepped through, it slammed shut behind them as iron bars slid into place.

"It's a bloody trap!" Sniper growled.

"Look!" Navi cried. "Ahead of us!"

In the middle of the room was a patch of grass, from which sprang a creature with hair like leaves and a round snout like the barrel of a gun.

"It's a Deku Scrub!" Navi informed them as the creature spit a Deku Nut at them. "Bounce the nuts it shoots at you back at it!"

Link blocked the nut with his shield, but it ricocheted into the wall.

"Oi got a better oidea," Sniper growled, striding towards the monster.

Seeing him coming, the Deku Scrub dove into the grass, the top of its head barely poking out. Undaunted, Sniper grabbed it by its leafy hair and pulled with all his might. The Scrub squeaked in surprise as it was forcibly yanked out of the ground.

"YEEK!" the Scrub cried in fear. "I surrender! Don't hurt me!"

"Tell me why Oi shouldn't," Sniper growled threateningly.

"Eep! I-if you let me go, I-I'll tell you a secret!" the Scrub whimpered. "T-the webs that are all over the p-place…y-you can get rid of them b-by setting them on fire!"

Sniper roughly tossed the cowardly creature aside. "Go on 'n get outta here before Oi set _you_ on foiah."

"EEP! Y-y-yes, Master!" the Scrub cried as it fled the room, the bars over the door lifting.

"Sheesh, that was a little rough, don't you think?" Link asked.

Sniper didn't reply to that, instead pointing to another door. "Let's see what's in there. Moight be important."

Link glowered at the blatant change of subject, but wordlessly followed his older companion through the door, finding themselves in a room divided by an eight foot drop. On the other side of the room was a ledge containing a treasure chest, and connecting the two sides was a single floating platform.

"It may defoi gravity, but somethin' tells me that thing ain't stable," Sniper observed with a critical eye. "Oi'll go first. You wait here till Oi've determined it's safe."

Link nodded silently as Sniper jumped onto the platform, which immediately shook ominously underneath his weight. "Ah piss, Oi knew it!" he cried, jumping onto the far side right before the platform crashed to the ground, shattering to pieces.

"Are you alright?!" Link cried.

"Oi'm fine!" Sniper responded. "Oi'll see what's in here and foind a way back."

Sniper then turned around towards the chest and inspected it. "Hmm, it's not locked. Good thing too, because Oi ain't got any Mann Co. keys on me."

He clicked open the lid and peered inside, releasing a chuckle at what he saw. "Croikey, Oi haven't had one'a these since Oi was a kid!"

"What is it?" Navi asked, flitting over to the mercenary.

Sniper turned around, holding it up. "It's a slingshot!"

"Look! It even comes with Deku Seed ammunition!" Navi pointed out, hovering over the little pouch still inside the chest. "If you run out, you can get more from the Deku Grass that grows all over here!"

Sniper noticed something behind the excited fairy. "Little small for me, but Oi'll give it a shot."

He loaded a seed and shot at a ladder that was hanging over the opposite ledge, the impact jostling it as it fell into place. "There, now Oi can get back."

Sniper ascended the ladder and met back up with Link. "Here, lad," he said, offering the slingshot. "You take it. It's more fit for your size anyway."

"But _you're_ the sniper here!" Link responded.

"And Oi'm gonna make meself a new bow after this, so don't worry about me," Sniper pressed.

Link finally caved and took the slingshot and ammo. "In either case, we can use those to get past the skullwalltulas now!" Navi chimed eagerly.

"Let's get to it, then!" Sniper declared, exiting the room.

Link rolled his eyes as he followed after, finding Sniper staring up at the skullwalltulas waiting patiently for anyone dumb enough to try to climb up their vines. "You'll wanna use the corner where the two parts connect into the handle to aim," Sniper advised. "Loine up your target with the spot about an inch away from the corner on either soide'a the 'Y'."

Link nodded as he did as instructed, aiming the way he was told to. With a soft 'thwip', the seed was launched, smacking into the skullwalltula's carapace and knocking the stunned arachnid off its perch, where it fell to the ground.

"Hey! I got it!" Link declared with a grin.

Sniper killed the spider with a well-placed thrust of his kukri as he said, "Noice shot, lad! You're a natural!"

"There's still two more, Link!" Navi pointed out.

Link nailed them both without missing, and Sniper applauded after he had finished off both spiders. "You moight make a good Snoipah one day!"

Link couldn't help but preen a little. In truth, he rarely got compliments from anyone other than Saria, as the other Kokiri were friendly but not close, and Mido was, well, Mido.

"C'mon, lad, let's get on up to that next level."

The two of them kept climbing while Navi kept watch for any surprises, though luckily none were found. Eventually they reached the next floor, the highest point they could go, and found a small ledge that jutted out towards the center of the chamber. Luckily, there were no spiderwebs or spiders to hinder them this time. They looked over the edge down to the bottom, the web-covered hole directly beneath them.

Sniper whistled. "Hell of a drop. Alroight, I'm goin' in first. If Oi don't make it, you foind some other way down."

Link shook his head frantically. "Nobody's dying today, mister!"

Sniper scoffed, a hint of bitterness coloring his tone. "Don't worry, kid. Nobody here's gonna miss me."

Link's heart leapt to his throat as Sniper turned around and jumped. "W-WAIT!"

Sniper screamed all the way down till he hit the webbing, which sagged beneath his weight and velocity until it finally broke, and he fell the rest of the way down. " _Sweet Sulkaris_!" Link cried in horror. "Sniper?! Mundy?! _Hello_?!"

"I'll go see if he's okay!" Navi declared worriedly, flying down into the hole the mercenary had opened up.

Link spent the entire two minutes wringing his hands anxiously, until Navi came flying back. Link held his breath, bracing himself for the worst.

"H-he's okay!" Navi chimed. "His back is, as he said, 'stinging like a slap from a Giant Heavy', whatever that means, but he's okay!"

Link sighed in immense relief. "Oh, thank goodness. Is there another way down?"

"Uh huh!" Navi answered. "We noticed some vines that you can climb down to get in, but it's a long descent. He said he was gonna look around, but he'd be back in a few minutes."

"I'll manage," Link replied, making his way down.

XXXXXX

Sniper groaned as he hauled himself to shore, soaking wet from the fall where he had landed in a large pool of water. "Ugh, bloody hell, that smarts," he muttered as he slowly stood. "Probably still aloive 'cause that webbin' partially broke ma fall."

He looked up to see a Deku Baba just out of range trying to snap at him and scoffed. "You're loike one'a Medic's experiments gone awry."

The Venus Fly-trap-like monster failed to understand this, and kept trying to lunge at him, despite the fact there was no way it could reach him. Sniper rolled his eyes before he kicked it in the face, stunning it as its stem went erect. Sniper then grabbed it at the base of the head, brought out his kukri, and slashed off the head. The head then shriveled into what the Australian assumed was a Deku Nut, while the stem shriveled into another Deku Stick. "Imagine that," he scoffed. "Oi just figured out how to get both in one go."

He put the nut in a vest pocket, while he noticed a torch before he could put the stick away. "Hmm, there's a door behind that webbin'," he remarked, remembering the tidbit of advice he had wheedled out of that cowardly bush monster.

He stuck the tip of the stick into the torch, setting it aflame, and Sniper trudged through the knee-deep section of the pool over to the door, lighting the webbing that covered it. It burned away in seconds, clearing the way. "Oi'm like Indiana bloody Jones," he muttered good-naturedly to himself as he went through the door.

His good mood evaporated when bars slid over the door behind him as it closed. His eyes narrowed as he saw another Deku Scrub poised to attack him. He whacked the offending nut out of the air with his bare hands as he approached menacingly. The Scrub promptly hid in the grass, thinking this would protect it.

Sniper knelt over the shrub as he whispered darkly, "You got foive seconds to come outta there before Oi _carve ya_ outta there."

The Scrub didn't move.

"Foive…"

Still nothing.

"Four…"

Sniper unsheathed his knife with an ominous rasp.

" _Three_ …"

The Scrub began shaking in fear, but still stubbornly remained buried.

" ** _Two_** …"

Sniper grabbed the tuft of leaf-hair poking out of the ground.

Suddenly the Scrub sprang out into the open as it begged, "BY THE MERCY OF VALA DEKU, I SURRENDER, I SUR-HER-HERRENDER!"

"That's more loike it," Sniper grinned nastily.

"I-if y-y-you l-let m-me go, I'll g-g-give y-you a s-secret!" the Scrub stammered, looking like it was close to wetting itself.

"It better be a good one," Sniper growled, shaking the Scrub a bit for good measure.

"Y-you can't g-get p-past my b-b-brothers guarding the Q-Queen's lair u-unless y-you know the c-c-correct order t-to hit them! T-two, three, one! T-twenty-three is number one!"

Sniper's eyes narrowed, but this was unnecessary, as the Scrub couldn't see past his sunglasses, which were menacing enough on their own. "Oi got a better oidea, mate. Go tell your little brothers, that if they troi to hinder us, Oi'm gonna put a bloody torch to the lot of 'em. You hear me, wankah?"

"Ulp…I-I-I hear y-you, M-M-M-Master!"

"Now _get lost_ ," Sniper snarled, releasing the terrified Deku Scrub, which promptly bolted for safety as the bars on the door he had come in from lifted.

However, he noticed that a second door was still barred, with a silver panel depicting an eye situated over it. "Hm, probably'll need the kid for that."

He then returned to the first room in time to see Link having just finished descending the vines. "There you are, lad," he spoke up.

"Thank goodness you're okay!" Link cried, and before Sniper could process what was happening, the green-clad boy wrapped his arms tight around Sniper's waist in a hug.

Coughing in embarrassment, Sniper uttered, "You've hardly known me a day and we're already on huggin' terms?"

Link released his hold, his cheeks blazing scarlet as he muttered, "Sorry, mister. I-I was just worried…"

Sniper coughed again, adjusting his hat. "In any case, Oi opened up another room for us, but Oi think we're gonna need your slingshot to keep goin'."

"Where?" Link asked.

"Over here," Sniper gestured, leading Link and Navi into the next room.

"There was a Deku Scrub in here…" Navi noticed, unsettled. "Tell me you didn't…"

"Nah, just roughed him up for some info loike the last one," Sniper offhandedly replied. "Hopefully the rest'a his friends'll get the message Oi sent with him."

Navi breathed a sigh of relief. "Good. They're not like the Mad Scrubs; they're not mindless killers."

"No, but they're annoying," Sniper countered. "Anyways, Oi think we can open this door if ya hit that oi up above it."

Link shot a seed up at the eye, and sure enough, it closed with a click, and the bars lifted, granting them access. "Looks loike Oi'm gettin' used to this place fast," Sniper muttered as they moved on.

The next room they entered was wide and circular, though a skulltula was situated above them. Thankfully its back was to them, and so Link shot it down while Sniper finished it off. However, Sniper then looked up as he noticed something else up on the ceiling.

"What the bloody hell are those?" he asked, pointing up at three pulsating sacs attached to the ceiling.

The moment Navi saw those, she froze in horror. "Oh _no_ …"

The fairy flew up to them, inspecting them closely before she backed off, shaking profusely. "No, no, _no_ …! They're…"

Link and Sniper were both unnerved by Navi's reaction. "Navi, what are those?" Link demanded worriedly.

"T-they're Gohma eggs," she whimpered. "This is bad…really bad!"

"What's a Gohma?" Sniper asked, watching the eggs as they continued to pulsate on the ceiling.

Navi flew back down to them, shaking like a leaf. "The Gohma…they're horrible creatures! Giant one-eyed arachnids that eat everything in sight… They nearly destroyed the forest in ages past…and now they're inside the Great Deku Tree! W-we have to find the queen!"

"One'a those talkin' shrubs mentioned a queen'a some koind," Sniper recalled.

"That must be the source of the Great Deku Tree's curse!" Navi cried. "A Gohma Queen!"

"So what happens to the rest of her hoive if we kill the bitch?"

"I-it should die out in seconds without her will to drive it," Navi explained. "We gotta work fast! If she's allowed to keep breeding eggs, not only will she kill the Great Deku Tree, but her swarms will have a foothold in the forest right on the Kokiri's doorstep! They won't stand a chance!"

Sniper readied his kukri as he advanced. "Then let's get killin'."

Suddenly the three eggs fell from the ceiling, splitting open as soon as they hit the ground. From each egg emerged a hideous creature; a two-legged, one-eyed bug-like creature with a glowing stalk on its small round head. "Gohma Larvae!" Navi cried. "Attack them right before they pounce!"

One went right for Sniper, its eye glowing red right before it pounced. Its own velocity impaled it down the length of the Aussie's knife right before he threw the corpse over his shoulder. Another targeted Link, but as its eye turned red, Link slashed at it, slaying it instantly. Then the third went for Link, but Sniper intercepted it, chopping off the glowing stalk on its head. As it was the organ that connected it to the hive mind, the larva died instantly.

With all threats in the room neutralized, Link and Sniper sheathed their weapons and began inspecting their surroundings more thoroughly. Link noticed it first, a small hole in the wall just big enough for him to crawl through. "I'm gonna see what's in here, okay?" he said, pointing to the hole.

"Be careful, lad," Sniper warned. "You see anythin' ya can't handle, you come back here."

Link scoffed quietly. "Yes, _Dad_."

Link didn't see Sniper jolt in surprise as he crawled into the hole, nor did Sniper see the contemplative look on Link's face as he thought less sarcastically about what he had just said.

Sniper waited impatiently near the hole, tapping his foot. Suddenly he heard Link cry out from the other side, "It leads back into the room we fell down into! But now I'm on the other side! There's a block here, and another hole covered with spiderwebs!"

"Hang on there, kid!" Sniper called out. "Oi'll meet ya back there!"

Sniper then made his way back into the main room of that floor, seeing Link and Navi over on the other side up on a ledge. Though it would have been too tall for Link to climb, it was no trouble for Sniper, who hoisted himself up to Link's level with a grunt. "Can we push that block down the hole?" he asked.

"I don't think that's what it's meant for," Tatl remarked, noticing the track the stone block was sitting on. "But it should work."

"Gimme a hand with this, would ya, lad?" Sniper bade as he braced himself against the block.

Link quickly joined him, and together they pushed the block off its intended path and, with great effort, pushed it onto the spiderwebs. They gave way immediately, the block plummeting down into a deep lake below. Noticing that there were vines that led down just like before, they opted to climb down rather than fall, and soon found themselves in the last chamber, deep down where the roots of the Deku Tree drew nourishment from the ground. On the shoreline was a door with a stylized marking of an ominous eye, and along the wall were three Deku shrubs.

The occupants were mysteriously absent. Sniper chuckled smugly to himself.

They swam over to the shore, noticing the empty shrubs. "Where are the Deku Scrubs?" Navi asked.

"Looks loike they got moi message after all," Sniper replied with a grin. "Now, toime to call in an exterminator!"

Without further ado, they opened the door, and found themselves in a dark room. The Deku Tree's roots spread out all around them as they slowly walked into the main chamber.

"I can hardly see anything!" Link whispered.

"Oi gotta take moi bloomin' glasses off," Sniper grumbled as he did so.

Right as soon as they entered the main chamber, a huge stone door fell shut behind them, trapping them inside. "Ah, piss! How're we gonna get outta here now?!"

"Shh!" Link cried. "Do you guys hear that?"

They listened as they heard a strange scratching noise. Sniper was the first to look up. "Lad," he uttered darkly. "Ya moight wanna look up roight about now."

Link and Navi glanced towards the ceiling, and immediately regretted it.

Because something was staring back at them.

All they could see was a huge yellow eye with a green iris and an orange pupil like a division symbol. The creature gurgled as it crawled across the ceiling before plummeting to the ground below. It was like a larger, more developed version of the Gohma Larvae, with an added ovipositor that doubled as an extra appendage for balance.

"It's the Gohma Queen!" Navi cried as the beast reared back on its ovipositor and unleashed a shrill roar.

Sniper was unimpressed. "Croikey, you're ugly."

The Gohma Queen promptly lunged at them, and with quick reflexes they both dodged. Link shot at it with a Deku Seed, but it merely bounced off its thick carapace. However, this caused the Queen's attention to center on Link, advancing on him with ill intent. However, Sniper took immediate advantage of this and slashed at the Gohma Queen's leg with his kukri. Unfortunately, he too was unable to penetrate its armored body.

"What do we do?" Link cried, dodging a swipe of the Queen's claws. "Its armor is too thick!"

Sniper switched tactics, slashing at the ovipositor. He cut into it with ease, provoking much more of a reaction from the Gohma Queen, which whirled around and bashed him with an arm, knocking him to the floor with a grunt.

"Mundy!" Link yelled.

Sniper, however, was only winded, and quickly recovered in time to roll out of the way as the Queen rushed past him, heading towards the wall. "Oi don't know about you, lad," he said as he stood up, "but to me, that oi of hers looks loike a whoppin' big target!"

"He's right!" Navi cried. "When her eye turns red, shoot it with your slingshot! It should stun her! Do it before she lays more eggs!"

Meanwhile, the Gohma Queen was climbing up the wall back onto the ceiling. It stopped directly above them, glaring menacingly. Then it let its ovipositor hang out, a strange heaving noise issuing from the beast as her eye turned red. "Now, Link!" Navi cried.

Link's aim was true, striking the Queen in the center of her massive eyeball. With a shriek of surprise, the Queen lost her footing and fell crashing to the ground, her body twitching as she lay stunned. Sniper was closer, and he wasted no time in plunging his kukri right into her eye, eliciting a shriek of agony from the monster.

"Oi've slept in the corpses of water buffalo tougher than you!" Sniper cried triumphantly as he twisted the blade in the Queen's ruined eyesocket.

He then ripped his blade out of the Queen's body as she succumbed to her death throes, her body shaking as she tried to stand until it gave out, and she fell dead with a hiss. The minute she perished, her body was abruptly consumed by violet flames, crumbling to ashes before their eyes.

"We did it!" Navi cried jubilantly. "We saved the Deku Tree!"

"Aw, and Oi was gonna make a necklace outta your teeth," Sniper grumbled in minor disappointment as he stared at the ashen remains of the Queen. However, he brightened as he turned to Link. "That was one hell of a shot, kid! You definitely got what it takes to be a Snoipah loike me!"

Suddenly, where the Gohma Queen's body once lay, there appeared a bright blue ray of light. "What's that?" Link asked suspiciously.

"That should take us back to the Deku Tree's Meadow!" Navi explained. "Let's go!"

"Oi'll go first, just to make sure," Sniper said, stepping into the light.

Suddenly the mercenary felt himself being lifted into the air before a bright white light consumed his vision.


	3. A New Journey Begins

**Chapter Three: The Journey Begins**

Link and Sniper both reappeared as expected in the Meadow before the Great Deku Tree. Behind them, the other Kokiri had gathered, whispering amongst themselves in confusion.

"Great Deku Tree, we did it!" Link cried. "We beat the Gohma Queen!"

"Bugger wasn't that hard, honestly," Sniper added.

"Well done, Link…and you as well, Lawrence Mundy," the Deku Tree proclaimed. "You have broken the foul curse laid upon me. Your bravery, strength, and teamwork have emerged victorious…however…my life cannot be saved…I was doomed before you even began…"

Link and the other Kokiri gasped in horror. "What?! **_NO_**!" Link cried, tears welling in his eyes, pounding his small fists against the Deku Tree's strong bark. "We fought so _hard_! This…t-this can't be happening!"

"So this was all for _nothing_?!" Sniper shouted, dismayed.

"Link…stranger…listen closely to what I am about to tell thee," the Great Deku Tree implored. "The one who cast this curse upon me…is the king of the people of the eastern desert. He plans to seize the holy Triforce of the Gods for himself and use it to conquer Hyrule, nay, the world."

"The…Triforce?" Link repeated, confused.

"Typical 'take-over-the-world' schtick," Sniper grumbled. "Lovely."

"Long, long ago, before there was life, three Golden Goddesses descended upon the chaos that was Hyrule. Din, the Goddess of Power…Nayru, the Goddess of Wisdom…and Farore, the Goddess of Courage. Din, with her strong, flaming arms, created the red earth beneath our feet, forming mountains, valleys, and everything in between…Nayru, in all her infinite wisdom, poured the spirit of law unto the world, forming the air we breathe, the force that keeps us grounded to this earth, and the concept of right and wrong…Farore, her power lying within nature, created all the peoples and creatures of Hyrule to uphold the laws of Nayru. Their labors completed, the Golden Three departed for the heavens, leaving behind a relic of unimaginable power…the three sacred golden triangles that would come to be known as the Triforce. The Triforce rests in a place known as the Sacred Realm, and the only way to enter is by obtaining three sacred stones…Link…you must…take this stone…the Kokiri's Emerald…the stone that man wanted so much that he cast the death curse upon me and sapped my power…"

A green flash of light burst over Link's head, revealing a large, round emerald encased in a golden spiral design. Link held out his hands, the Emerald slowly descending onto his palm.

"Croikey," Sniper muttered at the sight, adjusting his hat. "That's one hell of a rock…"

"Link…you must go to Hyrule Castle…find the Princess of Destiny…the desert king must not have the Triforce! It may mean the end of our world…Navi…guide Link on his road to destiny…watch over him…"

"I will, Great Deku Tree," Navi assured him, holding back tears of her own. "I will."

"Lawrence Mundy…" Sniper straightened at this. "You did not come here alone…your friends are here too, scattered around Hyrule…" Sniper's eyes widened at this. "I entreat ye, Lawrence Mundy…will you help Link on his journey? Will you cast off your old identity as a sellsword…and become a protector of this land?"

Sniper thought about it. On one hand, a great deal of his life had been spent fighting pointless battles day in and day out against his team's lookalikes, squabbling over worthless gravel, or against hordes of robots bent on wiping out his employers. Though he had enjoyed some of it for a while, the countless times he had died, and the pointlessness of his efforts had worn him down over the years. Now was his chance to be his own man again. Now was his chance to make a real difference, and free himself from the Administrator's oppressive shackles. His parents had since died, and if his teammates were also here, then he really had nothing left tying him to his old world.

"Alroight, Oi'll do it," he vowed.

The Great Deku Tree groaned and creaked as a branch grew from the ground before Sniper. "Take this piece of me," the Great Deku Tree bade. "A part of I, Kasuto, the Great Deku Tree, and use it to craft a new weapon for yourself, and cast judgment upon the enemies of peace…"

Sniper nodded gravely as he took his knife and chopped off the thick branch.

"Seek out your friends…they will prove invaluable to your journey…" The Great Deku Tree turned his attention then upon the weeping Kokiri. "My children…forgive me for leaving you like this…your father…loves you to no end…good…bye…"

And then, all watched in stricken silence as dead leaves fell from the Deku Tree's branches like the onset of autumn. Wood cracked and groaned as the healthy, warm brown of his trunk shriveled into a dead, ashy black. Silence reigned as the reality of their loss hit them all slowly. And then the Kokiri all began to weep and wail, falling to their knees and hiding their faces in their hands. Mido and Saria just stood there, shell-shocked looks on their faces. Link stared down at the jewel he had been entrusted with, and slowly he tightened his grip on it until his knuckles were white.

"We should get goin'," Sniper softly said behind him.

Link nodded wordlessly as he pocketed the emerald. He and Sniper headed back into the main part of the village, the crowd of mourning forest children parting like the Red Sea as they did so. Navi lingered behind for a moment as she whispered, "Goodbye…Great Deku Tree…"

"I'm gonna go to my house and get some food for us to take," Link said hoarsely, heading towards a treehouse with a ladder.

"Alroight," Sniper answered. "Take your toime. Oi'll be makin' moi new bow meanwhoile."

Link nodded mechanically before climbing up the ladder and disappearing inside with Navi. With that, Sniper took out his knife and some twine he kept around whenever he needed to fix his Huntsman and began to work. He carved the wood into the proper shape, cut notches into either end, and set the twine in place. About half an hour later, he was done, inspecting his newest work.

 _What shall I call you_? Sniper thought to himself. _Huntsman just don't feel right. This one deserves better…Ah, I've got it_.

He noticed Link coming out of the corner of his eye and stood.

 _Kasuto's Judgment_.

"You ready to go, Link?" he asked.

"Yeah," Link replied quietly.

They turned to go, and found Mido blocking their path, his arms folded and his eyes bloodshot from crying. Link held up the Kokiri Sword as he said, "I'll only be gone a little while. I'm only borrowing it, I promise."

Mido pursed his lips and looked away, closing his eyes. "Just…take the darn sword. Take it and don't come back."

Link was shocked. "What…?"

"I SAID DON'T COME BACK!" Mido screamed. "YOU HEAR ME?! DON'T COME BACK, YOU BIG _JERK_!"

With that, Mido turned and ran off so they couldn't see him cry again. Link just stood there with the saddest look Sniper had ever seen on another person's face. It was a look of heartbreak, but also one of resignation and acceptance. Something within Sniper's jaded heart hurt at seeing that pained look. Not entirely sure of what he was doing, he came around to face Link and, slowly and awkwardly, hugged the young distraught boy, who melted into his embrace as he finally let it all out, sobbing into Sniper's shirt. Navi, offering her own support, perched on Link's shoulder and leaned against his cheek.

"Oi'm sorry this happened to you," Sniper softly comforted him. "But the Great Deku Tree would want you to be strong."

They stood like this for several minutes until Link managed to calm down, and Sniper broke the embrace. "There comes a toime when all of us have to grow up and learn to move on."

Link hung his head. "The Great Deku Tree never prepared me for this…"

"We often aren't prepared for what's out there when the toime comes," Sniper consoled him. "Bein' an adult means ya learn to foind your own way."

Link sniffed. "Let's go."

Sniper nodded, and without looking back, they headed for the exit, a huge, hollowed-out log jammed into a cliff. They kept walking till they found themselves at a bridge, and knew it to be the edge of the forest.

"Oh…so you really are leaving…"

They turned to see that Saria had joined them, a melancholy look on her face.

"Saria, I…" Link began.

"No…" Saria interrupted, closing her eyes. "I know what you must do." She sighed sadly. "I knew…I knew one day you would leave the forest…because you're different from me and my friends…but…even so, we're still friends, right?"

Link nodded, a sad smile on his face. "Right."

"Link…I want you to have this," Saria said, holding something out to Link.

"But, that's your ocarina!" Link exclaimed.

Saria smiled. "Please, Link. Take it. And when you play it, I hope you'll think of me…I hope that one day you'll come back…"

Link gingerly took the ocarina in his hands and looked it over, while Saria then looked up at Sniper. "You'll take care of him, won't you?"

Sniper raised his hand. "On moi word as a professional."

Saria nodded. "Good…" She refocused on Link as he put away the ocarina. "Go on, Link…the world isn't going to save itself…"

Link opened his mouth, and closed it. He didn't know what else he could say or do.

So he ran. He ran and never looked back.

Sparing Saria one last look, Sniper followed after, leaving Saria alone on the bridge. She just stared at the forest exit, her whole world uprooted in a single day.

XXXXXX

Sniper found Link and Navi waiting for him outside. Sniper breathed deeply, taking in the fresh air. "Ahh, that's noice."

"We have to find Hyrule Castle," Navi informed them. "But…where exactly is it?"

"Hoo! Perhaps I can be of assistance!"

The three of them looked up to see a huge, man-sized owl with long, eyebrow-like feathers over its strangely humanlike eyes, staring down at them from a dead tree up above them. "Greetings, Link!" the owl hooted.

"You mean the bloody _birds_ talk too?!" Sniper marveled.

The owl chuckled. "No, just me. The Great Deku Tree was an old, old friend of mine. My name is Kaepora Gaebora, and I'm here to help guide you on your journey."

"So where is Hoirule Castle supposed to be?" Sniper asked, getting straight to the point.

"Hyrule Castle Town is pretty much a straight shot from here," Kaepora explained as he preened his feathers. "It'll take about two days to get there by walking though. And Hyrule Field is a dangerous place to be in at night. Luckily there's a ranch on the way that serves as a halfway point."

Sniper perked up at this. "A ranch?"

Kaepora smiled, seemingly knowing where Sniper was going with this line of questioning. "You're looking for your friends, correct? Indeed you might find a clue to the whereabouts of at least one of them at Lon Lon Ranch."

Sniper nodded. "'Preciate it, mate."

"Good luck with your journey, Link and Mundy!" Kaepora hooted. "I'll be seeing you again soon enough!"

With that, the magical owl took flight and disappeared over the horizon. Sniper sighed. "Well…guess it ain't the _strangest_ thing Oi've seen."

"What could possibly beat a talking owl?" Navi asked.

"Havin' to foight the Demoman's disembodied eyeball turned into a goiant monstah boi Merasmus," Sniper explained. "Again, because the RED Soldier pissed him off yet another toime."

"I guess one world's normal is another world's weird," Navi muttered.

Meanwhile Link was taking in the sights around him, his previous melancholy taken over by childlike wonder. "Wow…so this is Hyrule? It's way bigger than the forest!"

"Oi bet there'll be a whole lot more to see before we're done," Sniper said. "Let's get movin'. We're burnin' dayloight."

They began their long trek, moving straight on north. The field was fairly flat, with only a few hills and scattered trees to be seen around them. They walked for hours as the sun moved across the sky, and as it began to dip below the horizon, Sniper paused. "We can rest here tonoight. Oi'll keep watch. Get some sleep, lad."

"Don't you need to sleep too?" Link asked with a yawn.

"Oi can go three days without sleep," Sniper assured him. "Oi'll be foine."

Link nodded and lay down while Sniper seated himself on a large rock nearby, keeping an eye out for any trouble. Navi nestled herself under Link's hat where it was warm, his blond hair serving as a makeshift bed. Sniper turned his head as he heard the soft snoring of Link where he lay. He scoffed quietly to himself. "Croikey, Oi'm goin' soft," he muttered.

In truth, though, a part of him had always wondered what it would be like to be a father. Obviously such a thing wasn't possible as long as he was still contracted to that old hag, the Administrator, but now there was no Administrator to interfere in his life.

Sniper spent the next hour pondering, until suddenly he heard something like the sound of something trying to force its way out of the ground. He immediately stood, his eyes narrowed, his kukri at the ready. He thought about waking Link, but then decided the boy needed some rest after everything he had just been through. Soon enough, he saw what was responsible; a pair of skeletal creatures with claw-like fingers advancing towards their makeshift camp, their bones clacking with each step.

"Oh no you wankahs don't," Sniper growled under his breath, leaping off the rock in front of the Stalchildren.

The nearest one swiped at him, but he easily sliced through the brittle bones with his knife before chopping it down the middle. The skeleton did not get up again. Now came the second one, again trying to slash at him with its claws. Sniper leaned back and avoided it before kicking the Stalchild's head off. The headless creature stumbled about, totally blind, until Sniper finished it off as well.

With both Stalchildren defeated, Sniper listened intently for any other noises that could indicate others in the area, but he heard none. He looked up to see that Link was still fast asleep, none the wiser. Sheathing his knife, Sniper resumed his watch on the rock, and the two of them were left undisturbed for the rest of the night.

XXXXXX

The next morning they resumed their trek, and about two more hours into their journey, Sniper caught sight of something in the distance.

"Lad, Oi think we found the ranch," he declared, pointing towards the distance.

Link sighed with relief. "Good; I need a break. All this walking's killing me."

Sniper thought for a moment before he decided to do something. Link abruptly yelped as Sniper picked him up and hoisted the young boy onto his shoulders. "How's that, kid?" he quipped.

"Whoa!" Link cried, taking in the view. "Is this how adults see the world?"

"Yep," Sniper grinned. "Now you can just take in the view, and Oi'll get us the rest'a the way."

Link laughed in the way only a young child seeing the world for the first time could. Navi touched down on Sniper's shoulder, and the merc regarded her out of the corner of his eye.

"Whatever you're doing, thank you," she whispered. "After everything that's happened, I'm glad to see him smile again."

"Sometoimes ya just gotta let a kid be a kid," Sniper mumbled back just loud enough for her to hear. "Honestly…part'a me always wondered what bein' a dad would be loike."

Though he couldn't see it through her bright glow, Navi smiled. "I think you're doing a good job, so far."

Sniper smirked, but said nothing in reply.

Eventually they reached the ranch, and Sniper let a slightly-disappointed Link down. Lon Lon Ranch was situated up on a hill, surrounded by a wall of stone on one side and a wooden palisade on the other. Rising up over the wall was a red roof near the entrance and a silo on the far side.

 _If there's anywhere Engie would end up, it would be here_ , Sniper thought.

They walked up the path into the ranch and took in the sights. On one side was the ranch house, and facing it was what Sniper assumed to be the stables. Further down was a wide open range with a fenced-in area around the middle, inside which several handsome horses wandered about. Suddenly the door to the stables opened, and out stepped a gangly man with bushy eyebrows, a thick mustache, and a rather ill-tempered expression.

"Eh?" he said, noticing his visitors. "Who are you? What are you doing here?"

"We're lookin' for somebody," Sniper answered, a little taken aback by the man's rudeness. "You own this place?"

The man scoffed. "I wish! I'm Ingo. I maintain the ranch. Unfortunately, I have to do all the work because the owner is a lazy bum who spends half his time sleeping!"

"Uh, sorry to hear that," Link said uncertainly.

Surprisingly, Ingo's expression brightened a little. "Of course, the other day a stranger came here, real addled-like. Come to think of it, his clothes looked a lot like yours. Same color too. When he came to, Talon offered him a job and he accepted. It's been nice having an extra hand to take some of the load off."

"Is he around here?" Sniper asked.

Ingo shook his head. "No, he left this morning with Talon and Malon to go deliver a shipment of milk to Hyrule Castle. Thankfully the new guy and I got some more work done before they left, so I don't have as much to do as usual. Lucky us, the guy says he grew up on a ranch of his own."

"So he should be at the castle?" Sniper asked.

Ingo nodded. "Should be. I don't know when they'll be back, though. Talon has a habit of taking naps right in the middle of delivery runs."

Sniper nodded in turn. "Thanks, mate. That's where we're goin' next."

With that, they left and resumed their walk. "That guy Ingo mentioned," Link spoke up. "Is he one of your teammates?"

"Oi'm willin' to bet on it," Sniper answered. "And Oi think Oi know who it is too."

"Who?"

"Engineer."

"What's with you guys and calling yourselves job titles?" Navi asked.

"Part of our contract with Builder's League Unoited," Sniper explained. "We weren't allowed to refer to each other boi our real names, only our job toitles. Bloody stupid, if ya ask me."

"How many of you guys are there?" Link asked.

"Noine of us. There's me, of course. Then we got Heavy, Medic, Scout, Pyro, Engineer, Soldier, Demoman, and Spoi."

"And you think Engineer's the one the owners of the ranch found?" Navi spoke up.

"Oi'd bet moi hat on it."

It was approaching noon when they finally reached the walls of Hyrule Castle. Stretching from one cliff to the other was a wall of thick white stone. A moat surrounded the wall, and a large drawbridge was lowered, allowing access into the city.

"Alroight, first thing's first," Sniper declared. "Foind Engineer. Then, see about gettin' in touch with this Princess'a theirs."

Link nodded.

"Now, stay close to me. Oi don't want ya gettin' lost in the crowd."

They walked across the drawbridge, passing by a soldier standing guard, who nodded to them as they passed. "Welcome to Hyrule Castle Town. It's a peaceful, prosperous town."

"Croikey, if _that_ didn't sound rehearsed," Sniper muttered as they entered the town square.

The town square doubled as a good-sized marketplace, with various stalls selling food, pottery, and all sorts of other things. Townspeople clamored around them, shoving past each other in order to get the best deals first. A little girl in a bonnet ran by them, chasing a rather distressed chicken. A bald man with a grinning face pranced by them, a sack over his shoulder. Two twin brothers, one in red and the other blue, (Sniper scoffed at the irony of this) were talking rather animatedly with one another under a tree, and Sniper managed to pick up their conversation.

"WAH HA HA HA HA!" the red brother laughed. "I can't believe you did something so stupid!"

"I just wanted to see the Princess, bro!" the blue brother complained.

"And good job with that, bozo, 'cause now they've tightened security around the castle thanks to your little sneak-in attempt! _Nobody's_ gonna be seeing the Princess now!"

 _That could be a problem_ , Sniper mused before he began to search the crowds.

His eyes passed over the fountain sitting in the middle of the marketplace, and they widened as he grinned at the sight of a familiar yellow helmet amongst the crowd, standing near the fountain alongside a young girl with wine-red hair.

"Bloimey, it really is him," he exclaimed. "C'mon, kid. Oi'd loike ya to meet someone!"

Link followed Sniper over towards the blue-clad man in the yellow helmet, and the Aussie yelled, "Well ain't you a soight for sore oi's, genius?!"

The man whirled around, revealing his eyes to be covered by black work goggles, and he grinned in utter surprise. " _Sniper_!" he cried. "Boy am Ah glad to see you!"

The two men laughed as they embraced in a one-armed hug, patting each other on the back. "Oi see you ain't the only one lookin' after a little one!"

"This here's Malon," Engineer introduced, the girl smiling brightly.

"So that's the ranch owner's lass, then," Sniper deduced.

"Ah, so y'all have been by Lon Lon?" Engineer asked, scratching his bald head.

"Earlier this mornin'," Sniper informed him. "But we'd missed ya boi a couple hours."

"Ah went with Talon 'cause Ah figured Ah might try lookin' for y'all while Ah was here," Engineer explained. "So, who's the young'un with you?"

"This is Link," Sniper said, urging Link forward. "Link, this here's one'a moi teammates, Engineer."

"Y'all can just call me Dell," Engineer said warmly, giving Link a firm handshake. "Dell Conagher. Ah'm surprised you've been stickin' with your codename, Mundy."

Sniper shrugged. "Just a force'a habit boi this point. Though you're roight; there ain't no need to be stickin' with that stupid rule in our old contracts."

"So, you found any'a the others?" Engineer asked, folding his arms.

"No, but Oi did receive a tip from a reloiable source that the rest of our team's here too, scattered all over this land."

"Well it's _somethin_ ', Ah guess," Engineer replied.

Meanwhile, Malon decided to introduce herself to Link, who she noticed was looking around awkwardly while the adults were talking. "Hi! I'm Malon!"

Surprised by the attention, Link uttered, "U-uh, hi, I'm Link. This is my fairy partner, Navi."

Seeing the fairy hovering over Link's head, Malon gasped. "Are you from the forest?!"

Link nodded. "Uh huh."

"You're a long way from home, huh Link?"

Link looked away, a glum expression on his face. "It's not my home anymore."

Realizing she had overstepped her boundaries by accident, she quickly backpedaled. "I, uh, s-sorry."

Link shook his head. "It's nothing."

The look on Malon's face implied she knew better, but wisely did not press the issue. "So what're you doing here in Castle Town?"

"I'm here to see Princess Zelda!" Link declared. "I'm supposed to bring this stone to her!"

He held out the Kokiri's Emerald for Malon to see. "Oh, it's so pretty!" Malon exclaimed.

Malon was not the only one to notice the stone. A girl with blond hair wearing a light blue summer dress overheard them talking and jolted as she saw the green clothes, the fairy, and the emerald in the boy's hand. "Are you here to see the Princess?" she asked from behind, startling them both.

"Uh, yeah, I'm supposed to give her this emerald!" Link said.

"That's a nice jewel, but…the guards are really strict," the girl informed them. "They don't let just _anyone_ into the castle. Only people the King is expecting."

"She's right," Malon piped up. "The guards wouldn't even let me or Mr. Conagher in to see what's taking my dad so long with his delivery."

"…Oh," Link muttered.

"What're we gonna do, Link?" Navi whispered in his ear.

"I don't know!" Link whispered back. "Sneak in, maybe?"

The girl scratched her chin in thought before she said, "I have an idea! You two play with me today, and then I'll take you to see Princess Zelda!"

"Really?" Link exclaimed.

" _You_ know Princess Zelda?" Malon asked, just the slightest bit suspicious.

"Of course!" the girl winked at them. "She's a good friend of mine! Here, I'll show you!"

The girl produced a blue ocarina with a pearl-like sheen and let them look at it. "It has the seal of the Royal Family on it!" Malon exclaimed. "Are you a noble?"

"You could say that," the girl grinned playfully. "So, do we have a deal?"

"So where'd Malon's dad run off to?" Sniper asked, having not been paying attention to the kids around him.

Engineer shrugged. "Last we saw 'im, he was headed up to the castle t'deliver the milk, but he's been gone for hours. Malon here thinks he went 'n took a nap somewhere on the castle grounds. Accordin' to her, he sleeps like a rock. And the damn guards won't let us through t'check on 'im, so we're kinda stuck here till he decides to wake up."

"Oi heard some bloke troid sneakin' in and got caught, so they toightened their security."

"The people here ain't that much smarter than the good folks 'o Teufort, huh?"

"Croikey," Sniper sighed, shaking his head.

Suddenly Sniper felt a tug on the corner of his shirt. He looked down to see Link sheepishly say, "Mr. Mundy, this girl here says she knows the Princess, and she might find a way for us to meet if we play with her for a while."

"Can we go play with her, Mr. Conagher?" Malon asked. "Maybe by the time we're finished, my dad'll have come back!"

Engineer chuckled. "Go on, missy. Have some fun. Ah got some catchin' up t'do with Mr. Mundy here anyway."

"Don't get lost," Sniper said. "You meet us back here at the fountain in two hours, got it?"

Link eagerly nodded.

Sniper smiled. "Good. Off with ya, lad."

Link, Malon, and the blond girl all ran off together, the girls giggling profusely as they did so.

"Think they'll be alright?" Engineer asked.

"They'll be foine," Sniper replied. "But didn't somethin' about that girl seem… _off_ to ya?"

Engineer scratched his head. "Ah'll be honest…there's somethin' about the way she carries herself…and the dress is too nice for a peasant girl's."

"Excuse me," a female voice spoke up abruptly.

The two mercenaries turned to see a tall, muscular woman clad in armor with a hand on her hip, flanked by two royal guards. Her white hair was tied up in a bun, and white markings trailed down her cheeks from her eyes.

"What c'n we do fer you, ma'am?" Engineer asked.

The woman did not fail to notice how these two strangely-dressed individuals seemingly had no idea who she was. "Have you seen a royal girl around here? She has blond hair and blue eyes."

Sniper's eyes narrowed. "Oi knew there was somethin' funny about that lass."

The woman quirked an eyebrow at this.

Engineer chuckled awkwardly. "Hee, uh, ma'am? If Ah didn't know any better, Ah'd say the kids we were watchin' may've gone off to play with your Princess."

"And what would our fair Princess be doing associating with _commoners_?" one of the guards snobbishly replied.

"Enough, Captain," the woman sternly cut him off before addressing the two men. "My name is Impa. I watch over Princess Zelda, but she decided to go incognito and mingle with the townsfolk today, much to the King's dismay. As her father likes keeping her close, I've been tasked with bringing her back."

"Well that's a damn shame," Engineer sighed. "Malon 'n Link looked so excited. Ah don't think either of 'em get to play around much with other kids."

Impa's eyes softened, seeing that these two men were trustworthy enough for her to make an arrangement.

"Viscen, Rookworth, go back to the castle," Impa abruptly commanded. "Tell the King I have the situation under control. I'm keeping an eye on the Princess."

"B-but, Lady Impa…!" one of the guards began to complain.

"I think we can afford to let Princess Zelda be a normal girl just this once for today."

The guards looked ready to protest, but ultimately caved. "Yes, Lady Impa."

The two guards trudged off towards the distant castle overlooking the town.

Engineer smiled. "Mighty kind thing for you t'do there, ma'am."

"I'll be keeping an eye on her," Impa said. "But for the meantime…let them play."

"Oi told Link to meet us back here in two hours," Sniper informed her. "Hopefully she'll come with 'em. We koinda do need to talk to her though, after this. Or more specifically, Link does."

Impa's eyes narrowed slightly. "What for?"

"Easiest way to put it is…destiny 'n all that nasty business."

Impa folded her arms. "Interesting…this boy…does he have green clothes, and a fairy?"

Sniper's eyes narrowed. "How'd you know?"

Impa unfolded her arms and clasped them behind her back. "That, I can explain once the Princess and her new friends return. As you said, destiny." She took a step back. "I will return in two hours."

Then, she abruptly hurled something at the ground, emitting a blinding flash of light.

Sniper and Engineer were not affected. As Impa turned to go, thinking she could escape notice as Sheikah always do, Sniper chuckled in amusement. "That woulda worked if we weren't wearin' protective eyewear."

Impa, realizing her Deku Nut disappearing act wouldn't cut it with these two, actually managed an awkward cough as she straightened and simply walked off, pretending that nothing happened.

"She coulda just done that," Engineer mused.

"Oi think we're gonna need lodgin's for tonoight," Sniper said, looking around. "You see any inns?"

"This is mah first time here too, pardner, but Ah'll bet there's at least one here."

"Let's go get us some rooms, then," Sniper bade. "After we collect the lad 'n lass, Oi'll do us a bit'a shoppin', and we'll meet up back there. We got some catchin' up to do, after all."

"Agreed," Engineer nodded. "Their money here's different, though. They use Rupees."

"They use what now?" Sniper asked with an arched eyebrow.

"Rupees," Engineer repeated, holding up a small, elongated hexagonal blue jewel. "Different colors have different value. Green ones 're the lowest value. Blue rupees 're worth five green, red ones 're worth twenty green, purple's worth fifty, and silver's worth a hundred."

"So how much you got on ya?" Sniper asked.

"Two hundred," Engineer replied.

"Mm, 'cause Oi'm gonna need some arrows for moi new bow too. Oi didn't have toime to make any."

"We'll see what we can manage," Engineer said, and the two men set off.


	4. Playdate With A Princess

**Chapter Four: Playdate With A Princess**

Link and Malon followed the mysterious girl through the bustling marketplace over to a building with a sign over its door depicting an arrow sticking out of a target.

"Let's try that one!" the incognito princess cried, pointing to it.

"Um," Link muttered. "I don't have enough money…"

"Don't worry!" the girl beamed. "I've got more than enough for the three of us!"

"Well, thank you!" Malon replied, trying to hide how awkward she felt about having someone else pay for her.

The three kids went inside the shooting range, where a big man with big lips, a mullet, and a vest with no undershirt stood behind the counter, noticing their presence.

"Well, come to try yer luck with my shootin' range, kids?" he boomed eagerly. "Forty rupees per person! If ya win, you'll get a big prize! How 'bout it?"

"Sign us up!" the girl declared, handing the man a silver rupee and a red rupee.

"Alright!" the owner announced. "If ya brought your own slingshot, that's dandy! If not, I got some you can use! Now, the key to winnin' is, ya gotta hit all ten rupees! If ya miss one, ya lose! Got it?"

"What exactly _is_ the prize?" Navi decided to ask, just to make sure the man wasn't pulling some kind of fast one over these kids.

"Two hundred rupees!" the man answered jovially.

Malon's eyes widened. "With that kind of money we'd be able to fix our leaky stables!"

"So!" the owner said. "Who wants to go first?"

"I will!" Malon offered, waving a hand.

"Here's ya a slingshot then, lassie!" the man declared, giving her a slingshot.

"Thanks!" the farmgirl replied.

"Now let's get started!" the owner cried, pulling a lever. "Now, ye've got only a few seconds to hit each one, and ye only get fifteen shots! Ready…set…GO!"

Large, fake rupees began to appear in the shooting range, and Malon tried to hit as many as she could. However, as this was the first time she had used a slingshot, and as some of the rupees moved around, she only ended up hitting four of them.

"Ohh, sorry there, lass!" the man said. "Nice try though!"

"Oh," Malon responded, a little glum that she had lost.

Link looked at Malon for a moment before he spoke up. "I'll go next!"

The other girl quirked an eyebrow at this as Link stepped up to begin his turn.

"Alright!" the owner declared, pulling the lever again. "Ready, set, GO!"

Both girls then watched as Link took aim at the first rupee, popping out of the middle hole. He nailed it in the first shot.

"Way to go, Link!" Malon cried.

Two rupees appeared out of the left and right holes, and Link proceeded to hit them both as well.

"You can do it, Link!" the other girl cheered.

Both girls began cheering him on more as he managed to hit a rupee jumping into the air, though it took him two shots to hit it. Then three more rupees began sliding across the back from the left, and Link hit all of them after four shots. Then the last three came sliding in front the right. This time, Link didn't miss at all, scoring the win.

Malon and the secret Princess were cheering ecstatically for him as the owner whistled. "Well, I'll be! That was some fine shootin' there, kid! You've won! Just a minute, and I'll get yer prize!"

The owner reached under the table and came back up with a larger yellow rupee. "Here ye go, lad! One Huge Rupee, worth two hundred! Spend it wisely, kid!"

Smiling, Link took the Huge Rupee, and then, to everyone's surprise, he turned right around and held it out to Malon. "Here, take it," he said.

Malon was taken aback. "W-wha…? B-but, it's yours! You won it!"

Link shook his head, still holding it out. "You need it more than I do."

Malon's cheeks blazed scarlet as she gingerly accepted Link's gift. "Link…thank you!" she whispered, and without warning, she leaned in and kissed Link on the cheek.

Link's cheeks in turn went equally crimson, so much so it might have given Sniper pause. "U-uh, y-you're welcome," Link hoarsely whispered.

The other girl giggled at this.

"Link, who knew you could be such a gentleman?" Navi quipped.

Link coughed in response, not knowing what to say to that. "Now it's my turn!" the girl sang as she took her place, accepting the man's slingshot.

"Alright, lassie! Ready, set, GO!"

Link and Malon then watched, astonished, as the girl proceeded to hit each target just as Link had, and unlike him, she didn't miss once.

"Criminy!" the man cried in utter surprise. "Two winners in one group! Someone must be teachin' ya both!"

Link chuckled. "I guess you could say that."

The girl accepted her prize, and then she waltzed over and held it out to Link. "You need this more than I do," she said with a wink.

"But you were…" Link began, but then noticed the knowing look she was giving him. "Okay, fine."

She giggled as he accepted the Huge Rupee. "Gee, it must be terrible, having to accept a gift!"

Both girls had a laugh as Link just blushed in embarrassment.

XXXXXX

After they exited the shooting range, Malon asked, "Where do we wanna go next?"

The girl pointed over at a small shop with a big white clown-like face over the door. "Let's go see what's over in that mask shop!"

Malon and Link followed her over to the mask shop and went inside. It was somewhat cluttered, with decorative masks displayed on shelves against each wall, while in the back were more masks on display. Sitting at the counter was a smiling man with red hair parted neatly down the middle. "Ho ho ho ho!" the man laughed genially. "Hello there! I'm the Happy Mask Salesman, and welcome to my shop!"

The three kids and fairy bounded over to see what the salesman had to offer. On the shelf behind him was a skull mask with horns, a Zora mask, a Goron mask, a plain wooden mask, a bunny hood, a Gerudo mask, a yellow fox-like mask, and a white shield-shaped mask with a single creepy eye.

"That white one looks kind of creepy," Malon observed.

"That's the Mask of Truth!" the girl declared. "I heard about it! Long ago, the original was worn by a Sheikah warrior who defeated a hideous monster by using the mask to see through its illusions!"

"Oh!" Malon exclaimed, now intrigued.

The salesman chuckled. "My, my, how informed we are, young lady! Indeed, this is an exact replica of her ancient mask! Did you know, that very same warrior, Azrily, was the one who created the Gossip Stones that dot Hyrule? Legend has it, that anyone who speaks to a Gossip Stone while wearing this mask…will hear the stone talk back to them, telling them random secrets about the land and even its people, hence its name. Useful _and_ dangerous!"

"Maybe I could ask them why Dad's so lazy," Malon giggled.

"What's that one?" Link asked, pointing to the fox mask.

"That, young man, is a Keaton Mask!" the salesman explained. "They're all the rage right now, you know! Long ago, the Keatons were a race of multi-tailed fox creatures that lived around Hyrule. Some were tricky thieves with skills to rival those of the Gerudo, while others imparted wisdom upon travelers who knew how and where to find them. Some believe that wearing this mask may even get one of the wiser of these creatures to come to you!"

The girl grinned as an idea came to her. "We'll take one Keaton Mask, one Skull Mask, and one Mask of Truth!"

The others blinked in surprise as she purchased the three masks for one hundred and thirty rupees. She then turned around and handed Link the Keaton Mask and Malon the Mask of Truth, while she kept the Skull Mask of all things for herself. "C'mon, I know somewhere we can play where there aren't lots of people!" she cried, walking out of the store as she put the mask on her face.

After they had left, the salesman chuckled mysteriously to himself. "And with that, I now have the funds I need for my trip." His eyes glittered ominously as he rubbed his hands together. "One last mask to find…and just in time too! I'll need to depart before the trouble starts. Ho ho ho ho ho…"

XXXXXX

Link and Malon followed her out, rounding a corner and going up a short flight of stone steps. They then found themselves in a courtyard of some kind, with green grass beneath their feet, and trees surrounding a rectangular pool. Looming over them was a large church-like building with stained-glass windows. A group of Gossip Stones stood sentinel nearby, and Malon noticed them.

"Let's see if this thing works," she whispered, putting on her mask. "Let's see what kind of gossip you know."

She waited a moment, and then she heard a strange voice, neither male or female, whisper back to her. _The Cucco Lady of Kakariko Village is allergic to her own chickens_.

Malon gasped in surprise. "It _does_ work!"

She looked at another one, which eventually whispered, _Mido thinks he's the Chief of the Kokiri, but he still wets the bed_.

"Ew," Malon muttered before moving on to the next.

 _Princess Zelda always feels sheltered by her father, the King, so she sometimes sneaks out into town to play_.

Now _that_ one had been interesting. Maybe that was how this girl knew the Princess; they had possibly met during one of the times the Princess had snuck out. Putting that thought aside, she rejoined the others as Link asked, "So, what're we gonna play now?"

The girl responded by plucking some Deku Sticks from the ground nearby and tossing one to Link and Malon each while keeping one for herself. "With your mask," the girl explained, pointing at Malon, "you'll be the legendary Sheikah warrior, Azrily! Link, you'll be her trusty sidekick, Keaton!"

"Why am _I_ the sidekick?" Link complained, nonplussed.

Malon laughed, twirling her "weapon" around. "Well, duh! You boys always get to have all the fun being the heroes! Let the girls save the day for once!"

Link sighed. "Okay."

"And what're you gonna be?" Malon asked the girl.

At this, the girl did a dramatic pose as she cried, "And I'm the evil Monster Princess! Prepare to meet your doom, pathetic heroes!"

Link blinked as he managed a laugh. "You are without a doubt one of the strangest girls I've ever met."

"En garde!" the girl cried, lunging at Link with her "sword".

Link's reaction time saved him from a premature "death" as he parried.

"Prepare to meet your maker, mistress of evil!" Malon cried, going on the attack.

The two girls clashed with their "weapons", parrying and blocking in a way that would make a swordsmaster hide his face in shame.

"I hereby abscond from this silliness," Navi spoke out loud, flitting off to go sit on one of the Gossip Stones and watch them.

"Traitor," Link muttered before joining in, taking care not to hit too hard or show off too much of his skill.

Malon let the girl playfully push her back, allowing Link a chance to get at her. She blocked his mock thrust, swinging not so roughly at his head. Link responded by backflipping out of range. As he and Malon stood side by side, analyzing the "Monster Princess", Malon whispered, "Where'd you learn to do _that_?"

Link shrugged. "Just came to me, I guess."

"Not bad," the girl congratulated with a mocking voice. "But you're only delaying the inevitable. I shall prevail!"

"Not a chance, 'Your Majesty'!" Malon cried. "Keaton, we take her together!"

Link nodded. "Right!"

They promptly double-teamed the girl, Link trying to force all her attention on him while Malon moved in for the "kill". It was a flawless plan, given none of them were really masters of swordplay or strategy. Link broke away just in time for Malon to deliver the killing blow, poking the other girl's unprotected belly with her stick. The girl gasped, her eyes widening as she clutched the instrument of her doom against her tummy. "No, it can't be!" she moaned melodramatically, putting a free hand against her forehead. "I'm done for! The Monster Princess is…no more…"

And with that, she fell on her back and "died".

A moment of silence passed before Link broke it. "Now what?"

The girl giggled as she got back up, tossing the Deku Stick away. "Let's think of something else!"

Navi took this moment to return to Link's side as she cleared her tiny throat. "As cute as all that was just now, we're supposed to meet Mr. Mundy and Mr. Conagher back at the fountain right about now."

All three kids looked crestfallen at this. "Oh yeah," Link muttered, taking off his mask.

Malon took hers off as well. "Let's head back. Maybe my dad's come back by now too."

The girl took off her mask as they started walking back towards the marketplace, a wistful smile on her face. "Thanks for playing with me today," she said. "I just…wanted to see what it was like…being able to pay for my own things and play with other kids…and be a normal girl for once."

As the girl said this, Malon remembered the words of the Gossip Stone, and she began to suspect that this was no ordinary noblegirl. But she also realized that she probably didn't want to be recognized; that had been the whole point of her coming out here.

Link, however, was oblivious to this, and he smiled as he said, "Let's play again sometime!"

She looked surprised by this, and then smiled back. "I-I'd really like that."

They were almost to the fountain, looking around for their waiting party. Zelda spotted them first, and froze at who she saw. "Uh oh…"

"What is it?" Malon asked as she and Link looked towards where the girl was looking.

Sniper and Engineer were both standing there, their arms folded with "we-know-what's-going-on" smirks on their faces. Alongside them was an imposing white-haired woman in armor with stern eyes, also with her arms folded.

"Who's _that_?" Link asked, a little intimidated by the woman.

It was the woman who replied, and her answer was directed at the blushing, nervous girl. "Did you enjoy yourself, Princess?"

Link sharply looked at the girl, his eyes widening. " _What_ did she call you?"

The girl turned to Link with a sad smile. "I never did tell you two my name, did I? That's why I was pretending to be a normal girl, because I'm always trapped in the castle, my only purpose being to look nice for my father when he has important visitors."

Finally it clicked for Link. "You! You're…"

"Yes. I am Zelda, Princess of Hyrule."

To their surprise, Malon flashed a grin. "I knew it."

Zelda was taken aback. "W-wha…? H-how did you know?"

"One of the Gossip Stones said you sometimes like to sneak out of the castle in disguise and play in town," Malon explained with a wink.

Zelda's mouth dropped. "Ratted out by a talking rock!"

"It was a very dangerous, irresponsible thing for you to do, Princess," Impa chided. "Especially considering who's supposed to visit the castle today."

Zelda hung her head shamefully. "Sorry, Impa," she mumbled.

Impa's eyes softened. "But since I was here to keep an eye on you, there was no danger."

"U-um, Princess," Link hesitantly spoke up.

"Just call me Zelda. I…honestly, I sometimes don't like being called a princess…especially by my friends."

Link blinked in surprise. "W-we're friends?"

"Of course!" Zelda replied. "Why wouldn't we be?"

Link awkwardly scratched the back of his neck as he shrugged. "I dunno." He then looked at her more seriously. "I do need to talk to you, though. The Great Deku Tree said…"

Zelda abruptly put a finger to Link's lips, stunning him into silence with a blush. "Shh, not here, Link," she whispered. "Meet me in the castle courtyard in two hours. There's some old vines you can use to get past the guardhouse, and there's a storm drain on the right side of the castle you can crawl into. The guards have strictly-enforced patrol routes. Learn their patterns and you should be fine."

"I'll have to cut those down eventually," Impa spoke up sternly. "But for today, I will let them stay. Your meeting is important." She held out a hand. "Come, Princess. Your father is worried about you."

"Okay," Zelda sighed, taking Impa's hand.

"It was nice playing with you," Malon said cheerfully. "I don't mind that you're a princess. Next time I come back, maybe we can play again!"

Zelda smiled. "I'd like that."

And with that, she and Impa left for the castle. Engineer whistled in amusement. "Imagine that, kids. Not every day ya get to play with a dang Princess!"

Link sighed with a smile. "How many of these girls are you going to charm, Link?" Navi whispered playfully in his ear.

" ** _NAVI_**!" Link cried in utter embarrassment, his cheeks redder than a freshly-peeled grapefruit.

"C'mon, lad," Sniper bade. "We got a little shoppin' to do."

Link brightened. "Oh! Speaking of which…" He held out a large yellow rupee. "I won this at the shooting range!"

"Did ya now?" Sniper said, sounding impressed.

Malon laughed. "No, Mr. Mundy, he won _this_ one," she clarified, holding up her own Huge Rupee. "Then he gave it to me. And then Zelda won that one and gave it to him!"

Engineer chuckled. "A little charity goes a long way, son."

Link shuffled his feet shyly. "I didn't mean to get paid back…"

Sniper clapped Link lightly on the shoulder. "You're a good kid, lad. Now, let's go do some shoppin' and get somethin' to eat."

"And don't forget your 'lil date with the Princess," Engineer reminded with a grin.

Link blushed again. "I-it's not a date!"

Engineer chuckled. "Y'know, Mundy, if he manages t'git past them guards, he might have the makin's of a good Spah!"

Sniper bristled. "No kid'a moine's gonna be a stupid, bloody Spoi!"

Link and Sniper both looked surprised by what he had just said, but quickly shook it off. They then spent the next hour shopping for some food to eat, as well as arrows for Sniper and Deku Nuts just in case. Engineer agreed quite humorously that Spy would indeed get a kick out of the natural flash-bang grenades.

Once they were done, Link looked back towards the castle, ready to take on the task ahead. Seeing the determined expression, Sniper spoke up, "You be careful out there, alroight? Don't make us hafta collect ya from the dungeons."

Link nodded his head. "I'll be fine."

"Um, Link?" Malon asked. "While you're there, could you look for my dad? He still hasn't returned…"

"I will. And if he's sleeping, I'll wake him up."

Malon smiled. "Thanks, Link!"

"Now get bloody goin', lad! The Princess is waitin'!" Sniper declared, waving him off good-naturedly.

Link got up and headed out. Sniper and Engie watched him go before the two men sighed. "You think he'll be alroight?" Sniper asked his old friend.

"Ah don't think the Princess woulda asked him if she didn't think he could get by them guards."

"Still," Sniper continued. "The fact she thinks a kid can get boi her guards means that there'd be nothin' stoppin' an assassin who knows what he's doin' from…"

He let that last bit hang in the air ominously.

"From the sounds of it, Spah'd have an easy time gettin' in," Engineer somberly noted, shaking his head ruefully. "Kinda makes me wonder where he ended up…"

XXXXXX

Sneaking past the guards had been a heart-pounding experience, and on more than one occasion Link and Navi had almost been caught. Navi had had to hide under Link's hat because her light would have surely drawn attention. Link snuck across the field until he reached a dirt wall with some old bricks poking out from some long-forgotten wall. He then jumped down onto the ground and quietly slipped past the two guards stationed right outside of the pulled-up drawbridge. The first leg of his mission a success, Link ran over to where Zelda had told him the storm drain would be, only to find a portly man in ranch clothes lying in the way, snoring loudly in blissful slumber.

"This must be Malon's dad," Navi observed.

"So he really _was_ sleeping," Link surmised. "Welp, time to fix that."

He tapped Talon on the shoulder, but the man didn't even react. He started smacking the man's shoulder, but all he did in response was mumble a little in his sleep. Link's eyes narrowed. "Okay, that's it."

He then proceeded to flick Talon on his big round nose. _That_ got him moving. "What in tarnation?!" he cried as he quickly got to his feet. "Can't a guy get a little shut-eye 'round here?!" He looked down to see Link. "Well hello! I'm Talon, the owner of Lon Lon Ranch! And who might you be, kid?"

"I'm Link. And your daughter Malon is worried sick about you, wondering what's taking you so long to come back."

Talon's eyes widened. "Malon sent you to look for me?! Oh, I'm really gonna hear it from her now!"

Then, with a speed that belied his portly shape, Talon ran off to go find his daughter. With him gone, Link could now jump across the moat over to the storm drain. He began crawling through it, and by the time he reached the other side he was soaked to the bone. He took a moment to let the worst of the water drip out of his clothing as the sun dried some of it off. Then he began making his way past the patrolling guards, taking note of their patterns as Zelda had suggested.

What Link did not know was that he was being followed.

A man, invisible to all, watched Link progress past the clueless guards. _Interesting_ , he thought, resisting the urge to light himself a cigarette just yet. _What is this boy up to_?

Eventually Link managed to slip past the last of the guards and then ran the rest of the way to what he assumed was the castle courtyard, the invisible man following behind in secret. As Navi reemerged from Link's hat, he noticed her shudder. "What's the matter, Navi?" Link asked.

"I don't know, Link," she whispered. "But for some reason…I feel like we're being watched."

"Impa, maybe?" Link suggested as they entered the courtyard.

"Maybe," Navi conceded.

The invisible man suppressed the urge to snort. _So fairies are real after all. Medic would hardly be able to contain himself if he were here_.

Link stopped in the middle of the courtyard as he spotted a girl in an ornate white and pink dress and a royal bonnet with her back to him, staring through a window. "Link," she began in that familiar voice as she turned around. "I'm glad you made it."

The invisible man's eyebrows furrowed. _The Princess knows this boy? Hm, they must have met while she was prancing around town. But why meet him here_?

"Um…I was told by the Great Deku Tree that I had to meet you," Link uncertainly began.

"Yes," Zelda replied. "Let me tell you about a dream I had not long ago. Hyrule was enshrouded in clouds of darkness. But then, a bright light broke them apart, and the light became a boy from the forest carrying a shiny green stone accompanied by a fairy and nine other figures in silhouette."

The invisible man tensed at this. _How does she know that there are nine of us_?

"In town…when I saw you, talking with Malon, I knew you to be the one I saw in my dream. And…I have a feeling that the two men clad in blue alongside you are among the nine figures I also saw."

 _So, this boy has been gathering my old teammates back together. Perhaps I may see fit to tip my hand soon_ …

"I know that this is not a normal dream," Zelda continued. "It must be a prophecy, given to me by the Goddesses as a warning. But…my father won't believe me."

"Well, _I_ believe you," Link replied. "Ganondorf murdered the Great Deku Tree, who was like a father to me, trying to get this stone. He said Ganondorf was trying to enter the Sacred Realm and get something called the Triforce."

Zelda nodded. "That's what I believe. There is a secret about the Triforce that only members of the Royal Family are supposed to know. Will you listen?"

Link nodded, while the invisible man listened intently.

"When the Goddesses departed the world, they left behind the Triforce as the land's connection to them. The Goddesses enshrined these sacred golden triangles in the Sacred Realm, sealing the entrance within the Temple of Time." She smiled a bit in recollection. "The very temple we played around. Three Spiritual Stones are needed to open the Door of Time, and the final lock, the Master Sword, a legendary blade with the power to smite evil, serves as a deterrent against evil minds. If someone holds the Triforce in their hands, it will grant them a wish, whatever their hearts desire, and the land will reflect their hearts. If someone with a good heart makes a wish, Hyrule will prosper in a golden age. If a wicked person were to seize it, Hyrule would succumb to an age of darkness. The Spiritual Stones, however, are not enough. There is one final key Ganondorf would need to enter the Sacred Realm." She reached into the folds of her dress and produced the ocarina she had shown him before when they had met in town. "This is the Ocarina of Time, forged from the last surviving Timeshift Stone from the Era of Skyloft. Once the three stones are placed, a song must be played on this ocarina to make the door open."

She turned back towards the window. "I was spying through this window. Despite my protests, Father is meeting Ganondorf today. Do you wish to look?"

Link walked up to the window and looked through it. He could see into a section of the Throne Room, where a pair of royal guards were visible, standing sentinel against the wall. Then another man entered Link's view, and Link suppressed a shudder at the sight of him. The red hair, black armor, piercing yellow eyes, and bitter smile as the man knelt before presumably the King's throne was an unsettling sight.

"Do you see that man with the evil eyes?" Zelda spoke up. "That's Ganondorf, King of the Gerudo, who live far off in the southwestern deserts. He's swearing allegiance to my father now, but I can tell that he is insincere. The dark clouds in my vision…I believe they symbolize _him_."

"Ah, so I was right to be suspicious of zat man," a strangely-accented voice suddenly joined in from behind.

Link and Zelda both jumped in shock, turning around to search for the intruder, but they didn't see anyone.

Until someone literally appeared out of thin air with a hiss and a shimmer of blue, clutching a smoking white stick between his fingers as he brought it to his mouth. He was smartly-dressed in a dark blue tuxedo, with black gloves and black shoes. His head was covered by a blue mask that left only his eyes and mouth exposed. " _Bonjour_ ," the man greeted as he took a gulp of his nicotine, blowing smoke out his nose and mouth.

"W-who are you?" Zelda cried, afraid.

The masked man chuckled. "Relax, _mon cheri_. I am not here to hurt you. I was merely following zis boy, and I became intrigued when I heard he has met several of my missing _collaborateurs_."

"You can turn invisible," Zelda breathed. "How long have you been here…?"

"Almost two days," the man replied. "I was dropped near ze castle by a magical discharge, and in order to discover as much information as I could about where I was, I inserted myself into ze castle life. At times I moved about, cloaked and invisible, and at ozzer times I disguised myself as one of your guards. Unfortunately I cannot read ze text of your language, so ze library quickly proved to be useless. During my investigation, I discovered a delicious stew of political intrigue starring yourself and ze individual you call Ganondorf."

It suddenly clicked for Link. "You…you're one of the BLU mercenaries!"

Navi flitted up to get a closer look at the man, who was unfazed by her approach. "Judging by your clothes, your abilities, and your tendency towards sneakiness…you must be Spy."

Spy smirked as he puffed a ring of cigarette smoke right at the fairy, causing her to cough and sputter. "Indeed, little fae. And might I ask which of my teammates you were able to discover?"

"Sniper and Engineer," Navi managed to choke out.

At this, Spy threw back his head and laughed. "Of course the first ones to show would be ze ones zat resent me the most! _Mon dieu_ …"

"I-if…you're with the Sniper and the Engineer," Zelda realized, "then…you must be another one of the nine individuals who were accompanying Link and his fairy!"

"Indeed," Spy replied. "I am impressed you are aware zere are nine of us, and from a dream, no less."

Zelda's eyes narrowed slightly. "You don't believe me."

Spy chuckled grimly. "Prophetic dreams are not ze craziest things I've heard of, considering my past experiences. And given zis boy, I am inclined to believe there is some truth to it."

Zelda breathed a sigh of relief. "Then you must understand why Ganondorf must not be allowed to gain the Triforce."

" _Mas oui_ , _ma petite princesse_ ," Spy acknowledged. "I have already had to deal with one megalomaniacal tyrant in my lifetime. I have no plans to suffer anozzer. Unfortunately, simply sticking a knife in his back when he least expects it is likely to cause a political disaster. We will likely have to wait for Ganondorf to make his move. And when he does…" His eyes narrowed menacingly. "…I'll be _right behind him_."

"So what do we need to do in order to stop Ganondorf?" Link asked while Spy finished his cigarette and ground it into the grass with his shoe.

"Ganondorf is sure to be trying to get the other Spiritual Stones," Zelda said. "But if we were to get them first, and get to the Triforce before he does, we could use it to defeat him!"

"If what you said about zis 'Triforce' is correct, Princess, I am not quite convinced of the wisdom of zis plan," Spy spoke up. "Zat is _a lot_ of power to put in ze hands of children."

"And what would _your_ plan be?" Zelda contested.

"Wait for him to show his true colors," Spy explained. "The moment he does, I will be zere to stick my knife in his back and put an end to his little power play. I am quite experienced at backstabbing. After all, I am the Spy. _The_ Spy."

"That isn't exactly reassuring," Navi timidly spoke up.

Spy laughed in that pompous way of his. "Good; it's foolish to put all your trust in anyone. You never know who truly deserves it."

"Quite the Sheikah thing to say, for a human."

The three of them turned to see that Impa had joined them, giving Spy a hard, suspicious look. "Ah," Spy greeted. "I was wondering when you would stop watching from ze rooftop and join us."

"I knew there was something suspicious going on in the castle," Impa responded, folding her arms. "And I do not refer to the Gerudo King."

Spy grinned, amused. "Indeed; your intuition is as keen as my own. I can respect zat."

"Still, everything is as the Princess foretold," Impa went on to explain. "Ganondorf has evil plans in store for Hyrule. Link, listen closely. The Spiritual Stone of Fire is in Death Mountain, entrusted to the Goron people. When you leave town, you can see it far off to the west. At the foot of the mountain lies my village, Kakariko, where I was born and raised. I'm afraid I do not, however, know where the Spiritual Stone of Water is."

Link nodded. "Thank you."

Impa smiled. "You're a brave lad, aren't you? With these unique, albeit _strange_ , individuals in blue at your side, I am confident you can carry out Zelda's wishes and stop Ganondorf from claiming the Triforce. We must protect this beautiful land of Hyrule."

"I'll protect the Ocarina of Time with all my power," Zelda spoke up, pocketing the musical device. "He shall not have it! Now go; you must not delay."

Impa put a hand on Link's shoulder. "If the guards see you, there's sure to be an uproar. I'll lead you out."

"Actually, _mon ami_ , if I could have a word with ze child before he departs," Spy abruptly interjected.

Link blinked in confusion. "You're not coming with us?"

" _Non_ ," Spy replied. "I wish to stay here and monitor Ganondorf's activities. However, before you leave, I shall give you a clue as to where anozzer of my missing band might be found. I have not had time to investigate myself, but certainly the jar man and the laborer can look into it for me." He leaned in closer. "I have heard rumor zat a loud, screaming man in blue wearing a helmet was seen around town last night, attempting to capture ze stray dogs zat run loose in the streets. Speak to my teammates; they are certain to know who zat is."

Link nodded again. "Okay, I'll tell them."

"And do inform my comrades zat I am right where I need to be for the time being," Spy concluded. "They will understand."

With that, Impa led Link out of the castle and back to town, leaving Spy behind to carry out his mission.


	5. Meet The Team

**Chapter Five: Meet the Team**

With Impa's assistance, Link eventually returned to Castle Town, heading towards the inn he was supposed to meet Sniper and Engineer at. Eventually he found it, and went inside, finding Sniper and Engineer helping themselves to a mug of mead each as they sat at one of the tables, waiting for him.

Sniper noticed him first. "Ah! There you are, mate! How'd it go?"

"Where's Malon?" Link asked, looking around.

"Sent 'er off home with her pa," Engineer replied. "Ah let 'em know Ah was gonna search for mah missin' partners, but when Ah was done Ah'd come back. So, looks like Ah'm gonna be taggin' 'long with ya, son."

Link cleared his throat. "Then you guys are gonna be interested to hear this. When I went into the castle…I ended up meeting another one of your teammates."

Their eyes widened in surprise. "Really?" Sniper exclaimed. "Who?"

Link smirked slightly. "Your good old friend, Spy."

Sniper scoffed good-naturedly. "Oi'll be damned."

Engineer shook his head. "Son of a bitch. Should'a known he'd be where all the political intrigue was. So why ain't he here?"

"He said he wanted to stay and keep an eye on Ganondorf's activities," Navi answered.

"Ganondorf?" Sniper repeated.

Link's eyes darkened. "The man who killed the Great Deku Tree and is after the Triforce."

The two BLU classes' expressions hardened in turn. "Well, at least _someone's_ watchin' him," Sniper acknowledged. "Who better than our own spook?"

"So, y'all know what ya need to do now?" Engineer asked, finishing off his mead.

Link nodded. "Yes. We need to get the other Spiritual Stones before Ganondorf does. One is in Death Mountain."

Engineer scratched his head. "That's that big ol' volcano off to the east'a town, right?"

"Right," Link replied.

"Croikey," Sniper groaned. "Ya mean we're gonna hafta go insoide an _active bloody volcano_ to get this thing?"

"What's the problem?" Link asked. "I don't even know what a volcano is!"

Engineer looked surprised. "What in the hell're they teachin' kids in school these days?!"

"He's lived in the forest all his loife," Sniper stuck up for the kid. "Koinda hard to know about things in the outside world when you're isolated from socoiety loike he was."

Engineer sighed, shaking his head. "Y'all know what a mountain is?" Link nodded. "Alright, well…imagine a mountain, but this mountain sometimes…explodes, after a fashion. The top blows, 'n out comes fire, ash, 'n dust, destroyin' everything in its path. It gets so hot inside a volcano that the rock melts into somethin' called lava. Everythin's swelterin' hot, and _nobody_ goes into an active volcano without a lotta protection."

"Impa said there was a town at the base of Death Mountain," Navi said, now concerned. "Kakariko Village."

"And they built it roight underneath an active volcano," Sniper muttered. "It's loike anothah Pompeii waitin' to happen."

"Pompeii?" Link and Navi chorused.

"Thousands'a years ago on our world," Engineer explained, "there was a volcano called Mount Vesuvius, and at the foot of it was a town called Pompeii. Well…one day Vesuvius erupted. The whole town was buried in fire 'n ash, with hardly any survivors. People found the ruins thousands'a years later, 'n by then the ash had hardened into rock, and the people who'd been caught in the eruption…the ash surrounded their bodies 'n created perfect casts of whatever positions they were in when it hit, showin' us exactly what they were doin' when they died. It's honestly eerie, knowin' them casts were once people who spent their last moments scared plum outta their minds, tryin' t'find places t'hide when there was honestly no hope'a survivin'…"

Link's eyes were wide with profound horror, while Navi looked ill, her wings sagging. "That…that's _horrible_ ," she whimpered.

"So now ya know whoi we're just the sloightest bit anxious about the whole idea of goin' up there," Sniper clarified sarcastically, polishing off his own mug.

"Still, Ah bet Pyro'd have a helluva time in there," Engineer spoke up.

"For all we know, he could be up there," Sniper replied. "Oi mean, Oi showed up in a forest, you came to near a ranch, 'n Spoi woke up roight near the bloody castle. We're all turnin' up in places that have some koind'a meanin' for us."

"Ah reckon y'all got a point there," Engineer conceded.

Remembering something else, Link cleared his throat again. "Anyways, before I left, Spy wanted me to tell you guys something."

"Oh?" Sniper questioned.

"He said a loud, screaming man in blue wearing a helmet was seen last night in town, trying to capture a bunch of stray dogs. If we spend the night here, we might be able to find him."

"Loud, screamin' man in a helmet," Engineer repeated. "Ah'll be damned if that don't sound like our Soldier."

"Good thing we rented our rooms, then," Sniper said. "When the sun goes down, we're gonna go foind him. Link, Oi want you to stay insoide 'n get some sleep. We know how to corral Solly."

Link nodded, yawning loudly and stretching.

XXXXXX

 _That evening, 9:30 pm_ …

Once Link and Navi were safely asleep in Link's bed, (and they knew how to check to make sure) Engineer and Sniper headed out into the dark and silent marketplace. Without all the townspeople, the once-lively square now took on an almost eerie atmosphere.

Or at least it would have were it not for the dozens of small, long-haired dogs running around in the streets.

"Croikey!" Sniper exclaimed. "Where'd all these bloody dogs come from?!"

"Damned if Ah know," Engie shrugged. "Let's get goin'. That Yankee shouldn't be too hard t'find."

"Oi'll go this way, you go that way," Sniper pointed towards each alleyway.

Engineer nodded, and the two of them split up to go search for their rocket-savvy teammate. As Sniper searched the left alleyway, he noted how all the dogs, despite being different colors, were all seemingly of the same breed. _They look like some kind of terrier_ , he observed.

There were white ones, brown ones, even an occasional dark grey one, and they were all rather scruffy-looking, being strays and all.

And then he heard it.

"COME BACK HERE RIGHT NOW, MAGGOTS! YOU WILL FALL BACK INTO LINE OR BY GOD I WILL SHOVE MY AMERICAN BOOT UP YOUR FURRY ASSES!"

Sniper couldn't help but grin. _That's definitely Soldier_!

The Aussie broke into a run, rounding the corner in time to see a tall, well-muscled man wearing the signature colors of BLU grabbing a yelping dog and tossing it into a large net he had hanging over his shoulder, where it joined three other similarly-distressed mutts. Sniper laughed at the sight. "Solly! What the bloody 'ell 're you up to out here?! Somebody hoire ya as a dogcatcher?"

Soldier turned around, his helmet clacking against his forehead at the movement as he grinned, waving with his free hand. "Oh hello, Sniper!" he greeted as though there was absolutely nothing unusual about meeting one of his teammates after being dropped in another universe. But then again, Soldier was…strange. "I heard this lady whining about losing her dog, so I have taken it upon myself to find her missing mutt!"

"Boi capturin' every single stray in town?" Sniper asked, amused. "There's still dozens of 'em out there!"

"I will capture every last one of these mutts if it means finding hers!" Soldier cried. "A good soldier never quits till his job is done! Speaking of which, my net is full! I've gotta go back to the dropoff point and see if I got him!"

"Solly, do you even know what this dog you're troin' to foind looks loike?"

"He's supposed to be much nicer-looking than all the other mutts," Soldier explained. "And apparently can run faster than any of them. But I can't tell the difference! SO I WILL CATCH THEM ALL, JUST TO BE THOROUGH!"

"Croikey, Solly, people 're asleep!" Sniper chided. "Oi'll go with ya to this Shiela's house, just to make sure everythin's alroight."

Soldier saluted. "Yessir! Right this way!"

Sniper followed his dimwitted colleague over to a particular, well-kept house, and immediately noticed how the door looked like it had been kicked in. The reason soon became clear as Soldier cheerfully kicked the door open and yelled, "Mrs. Yan, I got your dog back!"

Sniper could clearly hear a distraught woman cry from inside, "None of those are my dog! Why won't you just go away?!"

 _Alright, intervention time_ , Sniper decided before opening the door.

The inside of the house would have looked posh and polished were it not for the ten or so dirty strays that were running around, not knowing what to do, while Soldier dumped the net, adding even more to the mix. A heavyset woman in a blue-spotted white dress sat on her bed, looking miserable and exhausted, basically how most people who had to deal with Soldier's idiocy looked after several hours' worth of his nonsense.

"Uh, ma'am? Oi heard your dog's gone missin'?" Sniper spoke up.

"AUGH!" the woman cried, noticing that he had similar clothes to the crazy man in the helmet. "There's more of you?! Go away! You're just as useless as you are insane!"

Sniper cleared his throat, deciding to be more patient with this woman considering that her first introduction to the BLU Team had been through their nutty Soldier. "Forgive moi partnah here, but you're roight that he's completely insane."

"Hey!"

"Oi, on the other hand, know how to deal with civilians. Knowin' Solly, he ain't gonna stop till he's found your dog his own way."

"After the first six mutts he brought, I tried to lock the door on him!" Mrs. Yan cried. "But he just kicked it down and kept going at it like nothing happened! That was an expensive, supposedly-unbreakable lock!"

"Roight, so," Sniper awkwardly replied. "Oi'm gonna ask ya a few questions about your dog, and Oi'm gonna need _specifics_ , 'cause Soldier's too bloody stupid to work with what ya gave 'im."

"HEY!"

Realizing that this other man sounded much more reasonable than the madman in the helmet, despite the uncouth accent, Mrs. Yan sighed. "My dog is much cleaner than the other mutts. I have him groomed expertly every day, so it would take at least a week for him to get nearly as filthy as these other mutts."

"Alroight, what else?"

"He can run faster than them any day of the week!"

"Oi'm gonna need more than that, ma'am. What color is he?"

"He's one of the light grey ones," Mrs. Yan answered.

Sniper nodded. "Good; that's gonna narrow down our search quoite a bit. You just sit toight, and we'll foind your dog, and this toime _the roight way_."

"I made the net myself!" Soldier declared. "Do I get to keep it?"

" _No_ ," Sniper grunted, heading out the door without another word.

Once they were gone, Mrs. Yan just stared at all the other rowdy dogs ruining her house and sighed in dismay.

XXXXXX

Once they were back outside, Sniper said, "First, we're gonna meet up with Engineer 'n tell him what's goin' on. Then we're gonna foind this damn dog, because we're gonna need ya to come with us."

"So where did the other maggots go?" Soldier asked in his obnoxiously-loud, throaty voice.

"Spoi's up at the castle," Sniper explained. "Just found that out a few hours ago, but he's stayin' behoind to monitor the situation. Dunno where the others are now, yet."

"Cheese-eating surrender monkey like always," Soldier scoffed. "Like a true Frenchie!"

Sniper rolled his eyes. Soon enough they met back up with Engineer, who had since returned to the inn, standing outside the front door with his arms folded. Seeing that Sniper had succeeded, Engineer smirked. "Thought Ah heard y'all not long ago."

"Engie, good to see you!" Soldier declared, clapping his fellow American on the shoulder.

"So what's this all about you tryin' t'catch all these dang dogs?" Engineer asked.

"Some lady lost her pup somewhere in town," Sniper explained. "Solly here took it upon himself to go foind it, with predictable results."

Engineer chuckled. "Well, didja at least find the little guy alright?"

"Not yet, but we will!" Soldier cried, holding up a finger.

"We got some more info about what we're lookin' for," Sniper continued. "This dog's supposed to be loight-grey, with fur that don't look nearly as scruffy as these strays, and is supposed to be able to run faster than the others."

"Well, guess we better get to work," Engineer sighed. "Sooner we get done, the sooner we can get some shut-eye, 'cause tomorrow we're off to that Death Mountain."

With two of the more level-headed BLU mercs assisting, it only took a few minutes to find a dog that matched Mrs. Yan's description, cornering it by one of the market stalls. Soldier crouched as the scared dog backed up against the stall, growling.

"I've been looking for you for a long time, maggot," Soldier growled back, grinning in triumph. "And now you're coming with us!"

Soldier dove at the dog right as it bolted off to the side, leaving Soldier to crash into the stall rather noisily, smashing it to bits. Luckily Engineer's quick reflexes allowed him to scoop the dog up in his arms as it tried to run by him, securing their quarry. "We got 'im, Soldier," he announced, holding the dog in the crook of his arm. "Let's go drop him off."

Soldier managed to disentangle himself from the ruins of the stall and saluted. "Yessir!"

The three men headed back into the alley towards Mamamu Yan's house. Meanwhile, the whole exchange had been witnessed by two Hylian guards standing sentinel on either side of the road leading towards the castle.

"Somebody's gonna have a bad morning tomorrow," the soldier on the left said.

"Think we should report it?" the other guard asked.

"Nah. Nothing ever goes on here nowadays. That was honestly the most interesting thing I've seen in a while."

XXXXXX

The dog was eventually returned to Mrs. Yan, thus allowing the three mercenaries to return to the inn.

"That poor Shiela's gonna have a hell of a toime with all them mutts in her house," Sniper commented. "Now that they're in there, they don't wanna come out."

"They're all the same breed," Engineer replied. "Ah don't know why she doesn't just open up a dog shelter, 'cause this town obviously don't have one."

Sniper shrugged. "Not our problem anymore."

"Alright, men!" Soldier declared. "Tonight we rest, but at 0600 hours sharp tomorrow morning I want you maggots up and moving! It's gonna take at least several days to get to Thunder Mountain and request pickup back to Teufort!"

Sniper and Engineer stopped, Sniper's hand still up with the key about ready to fit into the lock of the inn's front door. "Uh, Soldier?" Engineer slowly said. "You _do_ know what happened, right?"

"Of course I do! Merasmus's stupid magic wheel catapulted us to New Jersey!"

"Solly…we ain't in New Jersey," Sniper explained just as slowly to ensure that Soldier understood.

"Really?" Soldier asked, scratching his head. "Then are we in Louisiana?"

"Soldier," Engineer gravely began. "We…aren't exactly in our universe anymore. Merasmus didn't teleport us across states…he teleported us across _dimensions_."

A look of horror dawned across Soldier's face. "You mean…WE AREN'T IN AMERICA ANYMORE?!"

"No, Solly," Sniper said, shaking his head. "There's no such thing as the Unoited States in this world."

At this, Soldier dropped to his knees and raised his fists in the air as he screamed, " ** _DAMN YOU, MERASMUUUUUUUS_**!"

"Alright, that's enough'a that," Engineer chided as he pulled up on the back of Soldier's uniform, hoisting the dismayed American to his feet. "We'll book ya an extra room for tonight. We got someone we want ya t'meet 'fore we get movin' tomorrow."

"A new recruit?!" Soldier exclaimed.

Sniper chuckled as he opened the door. "You could say that."

Soldier snickered sinisterly, rubbing his hands together. "It's been a long time since I trained any cadets."

Suddenly Sniper was a little less enthusiastic about Link's inevitable meeting with Soldier.

XXXXXX

 _The next morning, 6:00 am_ …

Everyone at the inn was still asleep in their rooms, especially Link, who was snoring lightly in his slumber.

Until it was rudely interrupted by the shrill tune of a bugle right in his room, startling him so badly that he fell out of his bed with a yell, Navi yelping as she tumbled out of Link's hat. "RISE AND SHINE, MAGGOT!" a booming, throaty voice shouted. "TEN-HUT!"

"Ugh, what?" Link groaned, rubbing his forehead as he stared bleary-eyed up at the tall blue-clad figure.

"WHEN I SAY TEN-HUT, YOU _JUMP TO ATTENTION, CADET_! NOW DROP DOWN AND GIVE ME TWENTY!"

Link was now wide awake, and thoroughly spooked by the screaming man towering over him with slightly-crazy eyes peeking out from under a bowl-shaped helmet. "T-twenty _what_?" he whimpered.

" ** _DO NOT TALK BACK TO YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER, CADET_**!" the man screamed so loudly it made Link jump.

"S-stop screaming so much!" Navi whimpered, terrified of this nutcase as she hid behind Link.

Suddenly the door burst open, catching the man's attention. "Solly, _what the bloody hell_?!" Sniper exclaimed, tired and annoyed.

"I am training the new recruit you told me about!" Soldier explained loud enough for whoever was still in the adjacent rooms to hear quite clearly.

"Soldier, it is six in the damn mornin'," Engineer glowered, his eyes now visible since he had removed his goggles to sleep. "There are other folks in here tryin' t'sleep, and ya probably just woke up every one of 'em with your damn bugle!"

"Then you maggots are sleeping in too long!" Soldier declared. "I need to keep you boys from going soft! There's no telling when or if the damn REDs will attack!"

"Oh, for pete's sake," Engineer groaned. "Soldier, the RED Team ain't here! It's just us BLUs! Now put that damn thing away 'fore you get us all kicked out!"

Soldier groaned as well as he unwillingly put away his bugle. "Ugh, fine."

"Ya nearly gave the poor kid a heart attack too, look at 'im!" Sniper complained, gesturing towards the wide-eyed Link who was still sitting on the floor, not knowing what to do.

"What in the Sacred Realm is going on here?" the innkeeper demanded from behind.

"Just our pardner over here bein' a damn fool," Engineer replied irritably. "Woke us up too, while he was at it. Sorry for the inconvenience."

The innkeeper sighed. "Well, I was already up and about getting breakfast ready. But your friend there's probably got everybody else in here starting off with a bad morning."

"We'll be outta your hair soon," Engineer replied. "We'll have some breakfast 'n git goin' right after."

The innkeeper nodded and left to go resume his duties. With him gone, Engineer rounded on his fellow American. "Ah want y'all t'listen very close, Soldier."

Soldier snapped to attention and saluted. "Sir, yes, sir!"

"First of all, lower your damn voice while we're here. Ya already got most'a the other people stayin' here in a bad mood. Second, lighten up on Link. He's just a damn kid, and he ain't no recruit for BLU."

"Then why is he around?" Soldier asked. "Our contract clearly states…!"

"Soldier, we're in an _alternate fuckin' universe_. There is no BLU Team anymore. Our contracts are null 'n void. There is no more RED Team, no more robots, no more Administrator, and no more Gravel Wars. Understand, pardner? We're free men now. We don't even have t'keep callin' each other bah our job titles anymore, if we want, Jane."

Soldier's eyes widened underneath his helmet, the man looking surprisingly stricken. "Does…" he began in the quietest voice any of them had heard from him. "Does that mean I'm really a civilian now?"

Engineer chuckled wearily, patting Soldier's shoulder. "Naw. It just means we ain't contracted out yet. We're still mercenaries, Jane. We just haven't been hired for new services yet."

Soldier breathed a sigh of relief. "If you say so, Engie."

"Dell," Engineer decided to correct him. "Call me Dell, if ya want."

"…I've always known you as Engie," Soldier muttered, confused.

"Well, things're gonna be a li'l different startin' now. If ya ain't ready, that's fine. We all've gotten used to it over time, after all."

"You can call me Lawrence, if ya want," Sniper offered. "Or Mundy, whichever ya feel's more comfortable."

Soldier was silent for many moments, and then Jane Doe replied, "Alright, boys. So what're we going to do now?"

"We're gonna go down 'n have some chow," Engineer explained. "After that, we're headin' off with Link to a place called Death Mountain. We hope t'find more've our teammates somewhere 'round there in the process."

Soldier nodded. "Alright. Lead the way…Dell."

XXXXXX

After the four of them had had a good, hearty meal and purchased some fruits to take along the journey, Link and the former mercenaries of BLU left Castle Town, pretending that nothing was wrong as they walked by a man screaming and cursing over his destroyed stall while a crowd of onlookers surrounded him.

"What did you guys _do_?" Navi whispered in Sniper's ear.

"Just Soldier bein' Soldier," came the assassin's reply.

Soon enough they passed over the drawbridge and found themselves in the sprawling green fields of Hyrule. Soldier breathed in the fresh air. "Ah, cleanest air I've smelt in a long time!" Soldier declared.

Engineer pointed off to their left towards a far-off mountain looming over the land, its top flat from previous eruptions. A ring of clouds surrounded the peak. "That oughta be it over there," the Texan mechanic said before whistling. "Gonna be a heckuva walk though."

"We walked farther than that to get here, didn't we, lad?" Sniper spoke up, looking down at Link.

Link nodded, though he wasn't looking forward to walking that far again. His legs were still slightly sore from yesterday. But onwards they went, and as the sun moved across the sky, Death Mountain slowly grew larger and larger. By the time they reached the entrance to Kakariko Village, the sun was setting over the horizon, bathing the world in a warm orange glow.

The village itself was a quiet, pleasant little place, with red-roofed houses and a windmill atop a hill overlooking the town. Beneath the windmill was a deep well with a caution sign in front of it to deter curious children. A sentry tower was situated in the middle of the village, tall enough to look over the rock wall the village was nestled behind onto the fields beyond. "Charmin' li'l place," Engineer commented with a smile.

"We'll probably hafta foind lodgin's again tonoight," Sniper implied. "It's gettin' dark out, 'n Oi don't fancy the kid here losin' sleep 'cause we're pressin' him too hard."

Link shook his head. "No, no it's fine. I can handle a day without sleep."

"Not on moi watch," Sniper chided. "Pullin' all-noighters ain't healthy for a lad your age."

Link frowned, but Engineer added, "He's right, son. Sleep deprivation can cause all kinds'a problems, like weakenin' your immune system so y'all get sick more easily, givin' ya chronic headaches…so yeah, just do as Mundy says, alright?"

Link sighed. "Okay."

"As Benjamin Franklin said, 'early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise'!" Soldier declared, holding up a finger in his infinite wisdom.

"He's also the guy who tried t'make our country's national bird the turkey," Engineer smirked.

" _WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT THAT, MAGGOT_!" Soldier screamed frantically, forcibly trying to forget that horrible reminder.

Engineer chuckled. "Well, let's go find us a place t'hit the hay."

"Oi think Oi see an inn up there near that gate," Sniper noticed, pointing to the sign hanging over the door of a building situated near the gate that granted access to the Death Mountain Pass.

They were just climbing up the stairs towards the inn when the door abruptly burst open as a man was sent sprawling out of it, where he crashed drunkenly to the ground. "And stay out, you pig-headed drunk!" somebody, probably the innkeeper, shouted from inside.

"Ah bloodeh paid ye already, ye barmy git!" the man countered in a thick accent as he began to stumble to his feet.

"I already told you this paper junk is no good! Now get lost!"

Link and Navi noticed how the dark-skinned stranger with the eyepatch and black cap on his head was wearing blue clothes like the others. There was no mistaking it; it was another one of the BLUs. But he wasn't alone; with a deep rumble of annoyance, a bald-headed giant of a man with similar clothes stepped out of the still-open door, glaring down at his companion.

"This is what happens when tiny babies do not listen to Heavy," the giant growled in yet another strange, thick accent.

"Ah, shut up, ye great lactatin' wetnurse!" the other man countered, putting a hand to his forehead as he groaned unhappily. "Bloodeh hell, Ah haven't been this sober since me childhood!"

"Well, Ah'll be damned," Engineer decided to cut in with a grin, since the other two hadn't noticed him and the others yet. "Ah was hopin' we'd run into more'a ya!"

The two men turned around sharply as they noticed them at last. The black man's remaining eye widened. "Bless me bagpipes! Engie! Sniper! Soldier! Is that you, lads?!"

Soldier laughed merrily as he approached, clapping the black man on the shoulder. "You're a sight for sore eyes, Demo!"

"Thank goodness," the large man rumbled, folding his arms. "I was getting tired of babysitting itty-bitty drunk."

"It's good t'see you too, Heavy," Engineer greeted.

"Link, Oi want ya to meet two more of our partners in croime," Sniper introduced. "The drunken idiot with the oipatch is Demoman, and the jolly blue goiant over here's our Heavy Weapons Guy, or Heavy for short."

"He's _huge_ ," Link breathed in awe.

Heavy looked down at the puny-by-comparison kid in green, causing Navi to edge towards Link's hat, just in case. "And who is little baby in green you brought with you?" he rumbled in a deep, guttural voice that was only slightly more restrained than Soldier's.

Link was offended enough by this to overcome his intimidation as he indignantly retorted, "I'm not a baby!"

Heavy let out a boisterous laugh at this. " _Everyone_ is baby to giant man like me, leettle man!"

"So, what's been goin' out here?" Engineer asked, gesturing towards the inn.

"The bastards won't accept me cash!" Demoman complained. "Ah gave him two hundred bucks, and he still threw me out! Worst still, it's the only place Ah'm able to find any alcohol!"

"Heavy told you they would not accept money," the Russian grumbled. "Heavy already tried when he went to store near graveyard."

"Well, lucky for you boys, we got enough'a their local currency to put y'all up for the night," Engineer informed them. "That is, if'n you're willin' to tag along with us 'n find the rest of our boys."

"Engineer is credit to team, as always!" Heavy declared.

"How'm I gonna be any bloodeh use to ye?" Demoman groaned. "Ah lost me grenades 'n stickies when the big brute and I got dropped here by that obnoxious white light! All I got left is me Eyelander!"

"And I was not able to find Sasha," Heavy boomed darkly. "Without her, Heavy must rely on fists."

"Sasha?" Navi questioned, confused by this.

"It's the name he gave his minigun," Sniper explained. "Crazy protective of it, he was."

"Oi, what's with that obnoxious glowin' light hangin' over the elf kid's head?" Demoman groused. "It's hurtin' me eye!"

"I'm a _fairy_ , thank you very much," Navi replied in a very unamused tone. "My name's Navi, and this is my partner, Link."

"Bloodeh hell, I'm drunker than I thought," Demoman grunted. "Even I know that fairies don't exist!"

"We're kinda in a separate world, Demo," Engineer reminded the black Scottish cyclops. "Everythin' we know's probably out the window now."

"Ah was afraid ye'd say that," Demoman sighed.

"Come on," Sniper bade, heading towards the door. "We got some catchin' up to do so you blokes know what we're up against."

As Link followed the five BLU mercenaries into the inn, Navi whispered in Link's ear, "Each one we find is crazier than the last! This is getting out of hand!"

Link sighed. "The Great Deku Tree and Impa both said these guys would be a big help. They even appeared in Zelda's vision. I'm sure we'll get used to them."

Demoman promptly belched quite loudly from where he stood directly in front of Link..

"Eventually," Link finished in resignation.

 **XXXXXX000XXXXXX**

 **More to come soon, I promise! Again, this fic is really fun to write, and I know the general direction in which it will take. So stay tuned!**


	6. Exploding Flowers and Goron Powers

**Chapter Six: Exploding Flowers and Goron Powers**

The next morning found Link and the BLU Team trudging up Death Mountain Pass. It wasn't long before a Red Tektite took notice of them and leapt towards them threateningly. Laughing drunkenly from the entire barrel of mead he had consumed last night, Demoman unsheathed the long, blood-encrusted sword on his back and chopped it in half with one stroke. Navi froze at the sight of the Scotsman's weapon, a cold shiver running down her tiny spine. She could sense that that sword was cursed. There was a foul, dark magic running through that blood-stained metal, and she found herself wondering how Demoman had come across such a dreadful weapon.

 _Heads_ …

 _Oh Goddesses, it talks too_! Navi thought fearfully.

Sheathing his Eyelander, Demoman spread his arms out and laughed. "Ah, no more Administrator! No more dyin' a dozen bloodeh times a day! And now a whole new bleedin' world's ready to see what a DeGroot can do!"

"Someone's in a good mood," Link observed sardonically.

"After ya've dealt with a crotchety old bat loike the Administrator for noine years straight, bein' permanently outta her reach is definitely a cause for celebration," Sniper explained.

"Of course, there is new tyrant to deal with instead," Heavy said as he smacked his fist into his palm. "At least this one I can punch in face when I find him."

"You'll get the chance soon enough, pardner," Engineer replied.

"Oi just hope this damn volcano doesn't blow on us," Sniper grumbled mostly to himself.

"Enough talking!" Soldier barked, taking the lead. "LET'S MARCH!"

He began marching parade-style as he continued to shout, "Sound off, one, two! Sound off, three…"

"Solly, shut up," Sniper groaned, not in the mood to feed Soldier's militaristic ego.

Pretty soon they came across what looked like a cave of some kind. However, they were unable to enter, as it was blocked off by a huge boulder. Navi flitted over to a sign and read it aloud. "Dodongo's Cavern. I don't think this is where the Gorons live. Let's keep going."

And so they continued to climb higher and higher up the mountain trail until it suddenly split off in two directions. Sitting right by the fork was a large, round rock. Demoman leaned against it as he panted, out of breath. "Bloodeh hell, how far do we have to go before we find this place?"

And then the rock moved, knocking Demoman flat on his black Scottish ass.

It wasn't a rock at all, but a person.

"Did someone just touch me?" the creature questioned out loud before noticing the people around it. "Oh! Visitors!"

"Are you a Goron?" Link asked.

The Goron stood, scratching his back. "Sure am! You looking for our city?"

Ignoring Demoman's rambling as he tried to right himself, Engineer said, "Could y'all point us in the right direction? We're kinda new here."

The Goron pointed a finger down the path to the right. "Just follow that trail right there and it should take you right to Goron City."

Engineer nodded. "Much obliged."

The team followed the trail until they walked under a large overhang. Off to the side was another resting Goron surrounded by strange-looking plants, while in front of them was a cave that presumably led into the Goron City. Upon entering, they found themselves in a huge underground chamber, with three floors surrounding a chasm that led straight to the bottom floor. A series of ropes around the top floor connected to a wooden pedestal of some kind with an unusual design engraved into it. Gorons were all over the place, minding their own business in whatever ways that suited them.

"So who do we talk to to get little stone?" Heavy rumbled, looking around.

A Goron nearby unrolled at this and looked them over. "What's that about a stone?" he asked.

"Um, yeah," Link spoke up. "We're here to find the Spiritual Stone of Fire."

"You mean the Goron's Ruby that used to sit on that pedestal over there and light up the city?" the Goron clarified, scratching his head.

Link and the BLU Team all nodded.

"Our leader, Darunia, for some reason, took the Ruby off the pedestal and locked himself in his room," the Goron explained. "He hasn't come out for days. And what's worse, a huge boulder blocked off Dodongo's Cavern, so our major food source has been cut off. All of us are starving!"

"So where can we find your leader?" Sniper asked.

"His room is on the bottom floor, but it's been sealed by a big stone door," the Goron replied. "I don't know if you can get him to come out, but if you can…"

"We'll certainly try," Link said. "Thank you."

As they began descending the floors, passing by countless Gorons, many of whom were complaining about their hunger, Engineer spoke up, "Ya reckon Ganondorf has somethin' t'do with all this?"

"Oi'd bet moi bottom dollah on it," Sniper replied darkly, despising the man more and more.

Eventually they reached the bottom floor and found the stone door they were looking for. Heavy, with a growl in his throat, stepped forward and tried to push or pull the door open, but it didn't budge.

"You trying to see Darunia?" a Goron sitting by the door asked. "He said a royal messenger would know how to open it."

Link narrowed his eyes in thought for a moment. "That gives me an idea…"

The older men watched as Link took out Saria's ocarina and played a song that Impa had taught him while she had been escorting him back to Castle Town, a lullaby she had played for Zelda ever since she was born. And then, to the surprise of the BLUs, the door slid open on its own.

"Well, Ah'll be a monkey's uncle!" Engineer whistled. "Where'd y'all learn t'do that, son?"

"Impa taught me that song," Link replied. "It's supposed to be a secret song only those associated with the Royal Family are supposed to know."

"Good to know," Sniper said. "Now let's go see this Darunia bloke."

They entered a room with numerous tribal designs painted on the wall. The floor was adorned with various rugs, and sitting cross-legged in the middle of the floor was a Goron with much more hair and muscle than the others. He glanced up at them in surprise.

"How'd you get past the door? Were you sent by the Royal Family?"

"By Princess Zelda specifically," Link began. "We're here to find the Spiritual Stone of Fire."

Darunia glowered at them. "The Goron's Ruby? That's the sacred treasure of my people! What makes you think I'm gonna hand it over to a little twerp like you?"

Heavy growled as his nostrils flared in anger, but Engineer held him back. "Easy there, pardner."

"Besides, you aren't the first to ask for it. Just yesterday, a man named Ganondorf came to our city. He said he'd take us under his protection if we were to give him the Ruby. But when I refused, he not only blocked off the Dodongo's Cavern, which contains the mines where we harvest the top-quality rocks we Gorons eat, but filled it with far more Dodongos than is usual. Even if we could break open the boulder, it's still dangerous to go inside because of the Dodongos. You want the Ruby so bad? How about you go in there and clear out the Dodongos? Do that, and I may give it to you."

"That don't sound too hard," Engineer declared. "We just gotta crack open that boulder first. We saw it on the way up here."

"If only I had me damn explosives," Demoman bemoaned.

Darunia quirked an eyebrow as something suddenly occurred to him. "You know, not two hours before Ganondorf blocked off the Cavern, one of my sentries reported seeing a black-masked guy in blue go inside. A friend of yours, perhaps?"

"Black mask? Blue clothes?" Sniper repeated. "That sounds loike Pyro!"

"And now he's trapped in that Cavern," Engineer realized.

"I see you're worried about him," Darunia observed.

Engineer chuckled. "Ah think those Dodongos'a yours should be more worried about _him_."

"Heavy sympathizes with your people," Heavy rumbled. "Heavy had difficulty providing for his family when they were in Gulag. We will deal with Dodongo babies."

"And in the process, foind another of our numbah," Sniper added.

"And if your friend's worried about explosives," Darunia continued, gesturing towards Demoman, "bomb flowers grow all over this mountain, especially inside the Cavern where it's dark and warm."

Demoman jerked his head up. "Bomb…flowers?"

"Gorons also make bombs, you know. If you have a bomb bag, you can carry some."

"WHERE CAN AH BLOODEH FIND ONE OF THESE?!" Demoman practically screamed, brazenly grabbing an unimpressed Darunia's shoulders.

"Ugh, lay off the alcohol, bud," Darunia grunted, smelling Demoman's breath. "There should be one in Dodongo's Cavern. We make them out of Dodongo stomachs, but they're really difficult to harvest, because not only are Dodongos dangerous, they also explode when they die."

"You mean Dodongos are _TERRORISTS_?!" Soldier cried in shock.

The room was perfectly silent for several seconds as everyone tried to comprehend Soldier's line of thinking.

They eventually gave up.

"Anyway," Darunia coughed awkwardly. "If you can clear out Dodongo's Cavern, I'll give you the Goron's Ruby."

"Then let's not waste any more time, guys," Navi spoke up. "We have to find some way to break open that boulder and get inside!"

"Wait a moment!" Darunia abruptly spoke up. "Bomb Flowers are pretty tough to pluck. Some of you look like you'll do just fine on your own, but the kid here could use something of ours." Darunia turned around and took a bracelet off a nearby table. "This is a Goron Bracelet. It enhances the strength of anyone who wears it. Take it, kid. You're gonna need it."

Link nodded his head in thanks before slipping the golden bracelet onto his wrist. "I…don't feel any different."

"You'll see it soon enough, kid," Darunia assured him.

"I have a question!" Soldier declared. "Do you have any hats that enhance your strength?"

Darunia looked utterly confused. "Uh…no."

Soldier deflated slightly. "Just thought I'd ask."

Without further ado, Link and the BLU Team left Darunia's chambers. Once he was alone again, Darunia let out a sigh. "What a kooky bunch."

XXXXXX

 _Outside Goron City_ …

"Alright, so how're we gonna crack open that bouldah?" Sniper asked.

"Wasn't there a Goron over that way with some funny-looking flowers?" Link asked, pointing to their right.

"OUTTA ME WAY, LADS!" Demoman cried, rushing past him. "I have some gardenin' to do!"

Running after him, they soon arrived at a small garden plot, with a Goron guard providing shade for two Bomb Flowers. Rapping his knuckles smartly against the Goron's rocky back, Demoman declared, "Might I trouble ye for a moment of yuir time, laddie?"

The Goron stood up and greeted, "You come here to look at my Bomb Flowers?"

"Aye, lad!" Demoman replied. "Ah'm a demolitionist. Bombs are me forte. So when I heard that there's such a thing as Bomb Flowers, I had to come take a look!"

"These normally grow in dark places," the Goron explained as the other BLUs and Link caught up. "So these ones I have here, I keep shaded during the day, 'cause they don't do well in sunlight, for obvious reasons."

"How do Ah get me hands on some seeds?" Demoman asked.

"If they never explode, they eventually shrivel up into nuts you can replant," the Goron explained. "But they only grow in soil from Death Mountain."

"Ah'm willin' to be a damn gardener if Ah can grow these beauts!" Demoman exclaimed.

The Goron smiled. "I like your dedication. Get back to me in a few months; I'll have them ready for you by then. Care to test one out?"

"Ah'd love to, laddie!"

Demoman promptly plucked the black bomb-like bulb from the plant and held it up. "So, anyone got a match?" he asked out loud.

"Uh, they light on their own," the Goron uttered. "Quick! Throw it! THROW IT!"

"Ach!" Demoman cried, chucking the bomb over the edge.

By divine happenstance, the bomb landed inside a large crack in the middle of the boulder blocking off the Dodongo's Cavern. One booming explosion later, the boulder burst apart into dozens of smaller fragments, clearing the way.

All of them looked over the edge at what Demoman had unwittingly accomplished. "Well…that happened," Demoman muttered.

"The Cavern's open again!" the Goron gardener declared. "…Perhaps I should have thought of that before…"

"There's still lots of Dodongos inside," Navi pointed out. "We're gonna go down and clear them out for you guys."

"Oh, thank goodness!" the Goron replied. "The rocks I eat here taste horrible and have no nutritional value at all!"

"Rocks havin' nutritional value," Engineer chuckled, shaking his head. "That's definitely one'a the top ten weirdest things Ah've heard in mah day."

They all descended the mountain until they reached the newly-opened Cavern. Inside was a small chamber that opened up into a much larger one. In the larger chamber was a large platform surrounded by a pit of mostly-coagulated lava, with two smaller ones slowly sliding up and down and a third sliding quickly up to a level high above them. On the far end of the room was a massive reptilian skull with its jaw open, revealing a door at the end of its gullet.

"Is it just me, or do some of these puzzles already look…solved?" Sniper asked out loud.

"Puzzles?" Heavy spoke up.

"When we went into the Great Deku Tree, he was full of puzzles we had to solve in order to progress," Link explained.

"Ah reckon Pyro's been busy," Engineer smirked. "Might've made our job a heckuva lot easier."

As if on cue, the door inside the giant skull opened up, and out came a most unusual (and amusing) sight. Riding atop a bucking, angry Dodongo was the black-masked individual who could only be the BLU Pyro, laughing in utter glee like he was in a rodeo rather than a lizard-infested cave.

"He's…riding a Dodongo," Navi observed in a flat voice.

"That's Pyro for ya," Engineer replied.

The Dodongo finally managed to throw Pyro off, who quickly rolled to his feet, brandishing his fire axe. The Dodongo prepared to breathe fire, but Pyro was quicker, smashing his axe into the Dodongo's head, then backing up as the Dodongo died. Then, like Darunia had said, the dinosaur's body exploded, leaving nothing but ashes and bits of charred flesh. Pyro promptly held his axe like a guitar and played an imaginary riff.

"Oi had a feelin' we'd foind ya here, ya maniac!" Sniper laughed.

Seeing them, Pyro exclaimed something unintelligible under his mask as he ran up to them, hugging Engineer.

"Heh, good t'see you too, bud," Engineer replied.

Pyro then launched into an explanation of what he'd been doing over the last couple of days, which of course was unintelligible to everyone except Engineer.

"W-what is he even _saying_?" Navi cried.

"Don't worry, Ah can understand 'im," Engineer assured them. "He says he woke up on the mountain 'n went to go check out this cave. Then, he found out it was blocked when he came back t'the entrance, so he decided t'go in deeper 'n find out what else was in there. T'put a long story short, he's basically done almost all the work for us."

Link blinked in silence before he muttered, "Well that's convenient."

"There was a source to all the trouble in the Deku Tree," Sniper pointed out. "Did he happen to foind the source in here?"

Pyro said more unintelligible gobbledygook, which Engie interpreted. "He says he did find a really big lizard in a room not far from here, but that it wanted t'be left alone."

"Well that wankah's about to get a nasty wakeup call," Sniper replied. "So where can we foind this buggah?"

Pyro seemed to remember something, and abruptly held out a dark brown, leather-like pouch to Demoman. The demolitionist's eye widened. "Laddie…is that whot Ah think it is?!"

Pyro rummaged around in the bag, able to fit his whole arm in despite the pouch's size, and pulled out a round, black bomb with a three inch long fuse. Demoman looked at it, while in his head, the _Hallelujah_ chorus was playing full blast, surrounding the bomb in an imaginary halo. "Oh, if Ah weren't the man Ah was, I'd kiss ye!" he proclaimed gleefully, seizing the Bomb Bag. "This Demoman is _back in business_ , boyos!"

"So, Pyro," Engineer said as Demoman continued to celebrate in the background. "How 'bout y'all show us where this big lizard ya mentioned was?"

Pyro mumbled some more as he pointed towards the door he had come in from, and they began to follow the firebug. "Why is he wearing a mask?" Link asked.

"It gives him protection from fire 'n toxic gases," Engineer explained. "So does the suit he wears. It makes him flame-retardant, which is good, since his main weapon's a flamethrower."

"Does he ever take it off?" Navi asked.

"Not in front'a us," Engineer answered. "Don't rightly know why. The only one'a us that's seen his real face is Medic, 'n Pyro swore the doc to secrecy, for whatever reason. Say what ya will 'bout Medic, if there's one thing about bein' a doctor he takes seriously, it's doctor/patient confidentiality."

"Heavy misses Doktor," Heavy rumbled sadly, given how close the two of them were.

"Ah'm sure we'll find him soon enough, buck," Engineer comforted the Russian. "Hopefully Scout too. Then the whole gang'll be accounted for again."

Eventually they passed through the door, finding themselves in another chamber with a large door. In the middle of the room was a block nestled into a square-shaped hole. It was quite obvious by then that Pyro had solved the entire dungeon for them out of sheer curiosity, but had neglected to take down the boss. Oh well, at least they still had something to do here.

Pyro pointed towards the huge stone door and said something that vaguely sounded like, "In here."

The door slid open at their approach, leading them into another room with an opening in the middle that led into another chamber below. Looking down the hole, they could see lava and feel the heat of the molten rock rising up into their faces. "And you say the big Dodongo's down there?" Sniper asked.

"Mhm," Pyro replied with an eager nod.

"It's quiet," Engineer observed. "Ah reckon this mean mother hubbard's waitin' for us."

"Then let's not keep this maggot waiting any longer!" Soldier declared, jumping down the hole without hesitation and brandishing his Half-Zatoichi katana with a war cry. "SCREAMIN' EAGLES!"

"Dear Goddesses, he just jumped in," Navi uttered in disbelief.

"Save him!" Link yelled urgently, jumping in after the man. " _Save him_!"

"Bloody hell, Link!" Sniper cried, joining him.

"COWABUNGA!" Demoman laughed as he followed after.

Heavy bellowed a war cry and jumped in. Left alone, Engineer shook his head ruefully. "It's a wonder y'all ain't dead yet," he muttered before jumping in last.

Engineer looked around after he landed, seeing that they were in a massive chamber with a lake of lava bubbling in the middle. Then he realized everyone was looking in the opposite direction he was, and turned.

" _Croikey_ ," Sniper breathed as the ground shook with the heavy footfalls of some massive creature. "It's a hell of a lot bigger than Oi thought it'd be…"

"Lads, Ah think we bit off a little more than we could chew with this one," Demoman uttered, for once totally sobered up by the gravity of their situation.

Stomping towards them was the largest Dodongo they had ever seen, a full forty feet long from snout to tail, and fifteen feet at the shoulder. In short, it was as big as a Tyrannosaurus Rex. "It's a Dodongo King!" Navi cried. "A Dodongo that's managed to live for over a thousand years! None of your weapons have any chance of penetrating its armor!"

The Dodongo King reared its head back and unleashed a booming roar right into their faces. "Navi! Is there any way to beat this thing?!" Link cried.

"There's an old proverb I heard a long time ago, but I don't know what it means!" Navi answered as the Dodongo King advanced on them. "Dodongo dislikes smoke!"

"How does that make any bloody sense?!" Sniper cried. "It's a bloody foiah-breathin' dinosaur!"

"TAKE COVER, BOYS!" Engineer cried, taking out his wrench as the Dodongo King began to inhale, fire building up in its throat. "'N watch out for the lava!"

They immediately ran behind the massive beast, and just in time too, because it unleashed a wave of fire that spread over the entirety of the other half of the chamber. "Alroight, first stage'a the plan, stay behoind him!" Sniper cried.

Soldier let out a yell as he slashed at the beast's tail. However, his katana bounced off without a scratch. Pyro didn't fare much better with his axe, either.

Then the Dodongo King did something unexpected; it abruptly curled itself into a ball and rolled away from them, smashing into the first corner and kept going until it was now on the opposite side of the room.

"Are ye bloodeh _kiddin' me_?!" Demoman groused.

"Come on!" Link cried, running after it. "We have to stay behind it! The path's too narrow for it to turn around!"

"YOU CANNOT RUN FROM ME, MAGGOT!" Soldier cried, running alongside Link.

On the far side, the King was gearing up for another fire blast. "Run, lads, _RUN_!" Sniper yelled, and they ran towards the King's position, where his back was turned.

They managed to clear the blast zone in time, but the heat was close enough to warm their backs. Link reached the giant Dodongo first, thinking desperately for a way to stop it from trying to roll away again. Then he spotted a Bomb Flower in the nearby corner, and an idea came to him. With his enhanced strength, he easily plucked the flower from its stem and threw it at the Dodongo King, where it exploded against the monster's shoulder. The King growled as it rolled into a ball regardless. However, it only rolled over to the next corner, where it had room to turn around, and began stomping towards Link threateningly. "You got a bloodeh death wish, lad?!" Demoman cried as he and the other BLUs reached him.

"Bombs!" Link cried. "Bombs are the key!"

And then it suddenly clicked for Navi. "Wait! I GET IT! 'Dodongo dislikes smoke'! Demoman, when it starts getting ready to breathe fire, throw a bomb down its throat!"

Demoman grinned like a maniac. "Aye, I can do that, little miss!"

He then brazenly ran towards the advancing Dodongo, pulling a bomb out of his bag and lighting the fuse. Seeing the Scot coming, the King began to suck in its breath for another burst of fire, but this time Demoman was ready. "Here's some top-qualiteh cuisine courtesy'a yuir friendly neighborhood demolitionist, **_TAVISH FINNEGAN DEGROOT_**!"

He hurled the explosive down the Dodongo King's throat. The monster clamped its mouth shut, realizing what was about to happen right before it did. Its stomach expanded from the blast as smoke escaped from its throat. The Dodongo King reeled back on its hind legs, teetering on the edge of the lava.

"EVERYONE! _PUSH_!" Heavy roared, rushing over to the monster and pushing against its exposed underbelly.

The others quickly joined in, trying to topple the beast into the lava. With all of them together, they succeeded. They quickly ran back as the King fell backward, landing backfirst into the lava with a huge splash. The monster let out a shrill roar as it was consumed by the lava, its body causing the lava to coagulate. Before long, the lava was cooled down enough for them to stand on safely, with the only remaining trace of the Dodongo King being a single arm sticking out of the lava bed.

Demoman laughed triumphantly, holding his arms in the air. "Hahaha, Ah'm a bloodeh Dragonslayer!"

"Oi'll be damned, we did it again!" Sniper cried.

"Nice goin', boys!" Engineer congratulated.

"Yes!" Heavy proclaimed. "Tiny baby dinosaur is no match for team!"

Pyro laughed as he held up his fire axe over his head in both hands.

"Look!" Link pointed. "That light should take us back out of this cavern!"

Indeed, a blue light had appeared in the middle of the hardened lava bed. "Is that thing safe?" Engineer asked.

"Oi've been through one before," Sniper said, stepping forward. "Shouldn't be a problem. Ain't any other way outta this room anyways.

Without further ado, Link, Navi, and the six BLU mercenaries filed into the light, transported one by one back outside in front of the mouth of the cave. "Hooowee!" Engineer declared, straightening his clothes. "That was a heckuvan experience!"

"Come, let us tell big Goron that baby Dodongos are dead," Heavy rumbled.

And then they stopped short as a rock fell in front of them, a rock that quickly uncurled itself to reveal a beaming Darunia. "You did it! You boys actually did it!" he cried, patting the nearest one of them, who was unfortunately Link, on the shoulder, nearly sending the boy to his knees from the impact. "Now we Gorons can eat the delicious and nutritious rocks in the cavern without any trouble again! And it's all thanks to you boys! You've shown bravery and gall in the face of overwhelming odds, all for us…I think I like you boys! How about we become Sworn Brothers?"

"Sworn what?" Link wheezed from where he was still doubled over from a throbbing shoulder.

"Sworn Brothers!" Darunia repeated. "You'll be forever considered friends to the Goron people! Honorary Gorons, even!"

Heavy smiled. "Heavy is honored."

Engineer chuckled good-naturedly. "Well, it's nice t'make new friends every once in a while."

"Here!" Darunia declared. "You boys more than proved yourselves today! I want you to have this!" He held up a large ruby encased in a golden inset like the design that had appeared all over the Goron City. "The Goron's Ruby! You boys have definitely earned it! Take it as a sign of my friendship!"

Link took it from Darunia's hands and held it out for the others to take a look. "Hmm," Heavy rumbled. "It is shame that big rock is red and not blue…"

Pyro giggled happily as he looked at it, liking the nice red color of it, like fire.

"So, two down, one t'go," Engineer observed. "We're gettin' there, boys!"

"Yes," Heavy growled, cracking his knuckles ominously. "Soon I can punch Ganondorf baby in face."

"I'd certainly love to see that!" Darunia guffawed. "But for now, I have to look after my own people. Good luck, boys, and thank you on behalf of the entire Goron race!"

With that, Darunia curled into a ball and rolled back up the mountain to spread the news of the BLU Team's victory. "Let's head down back t'Kakariko, boys," Engineer bade. "There, we c'n plan our next move."

"So, there's three magic jewels we have to find to stop this Commie bastard, and so far we've found two of them," Soldier clarified as they headed back down the pass. "So where's the third one?"

"Unfortunately we don't know," Link sighed. "Impa didn't know either. I just hope there's a way to find out soon. If Ganondorf gets his hands on it first, we're in trouble."

"Hoo, in that, I may be of assistance!"

"Is that that bloody bird again?" Sniper asked, looking up.

The others followed his gaze upwards to see Kaepora Gaebora perched on the rock wall above them, regarding them all with his head craned upside down. "Right you are, my uniquely-accented friend!" he said.

"IT'S A COMMIE SPYCAM!" Soldier screamed, drawing his Half-Zatoichi. "I KNEW IT ALL ALONG!"

Kaepora, for once, looked totally taken aback by Soldier's outburst.

"Solly, that ain't no spy camera," Sniper groaned. "It's an actual talkin' owl."

"Don't you maggots know that Communist Russians hide cameras in fake birds to spy on the American people?!" Soldier cried.

"Soldier, just be quiet 'n let us do the talkin'," Engineer said. "Still, a giant talkin' owl. Every time Ah think Ah've seen everythin', Ah'm left surprised all over again."

Kaepora turned his head back into the proper position as he coughed. "Right, so…I'm here to help you with the next leg of your journey. You boys are doing quite well so far, I'm impressed! All of you are well on your way to becoming true heroes!"

At this, Soldier saluted. "It's a pleasure to serve my country, sir!"

"Well he changed his tune rather quickly," Kaepora observed in humor. "Anyways, the Spiritual Stone of Water is in Zora's Domain, which you can find by traveling up the Zora River that runs between Kakariko Village and Hyrule Castle Town. However, the entrance is blocked off by a waterfall, and only those who know the Royal Family's secret lullaby can open the way."

"I think I know which one you're talking about!" Link declared. "Zelda's Lullaby, right?"

Kaepora nodded. "Right you are, Link! And I think you might find more of your friends there as well! But make haste; it won't be long before Ganondorf makes his move, and when he does, your spy friend won't be enough to hinder his plans. That evil man is much more powerful than you think."

"So we gotta go find this Zora River's source t'find this 'Domain' y'all 're talkin'about?" Engineer asked.

"Exactly," Kaepora answered. "Good luck, all of you! Hyrule is depending on you!"

The giant owl then took flight and sailed over the horizon out of sight.

"Alroight, let's get movin'," Sniper declared. "The soonah we get that last stone, the bettah. Oi don't fancy that desert-dwellin' wankah gettin' his hands on that Troiforce thing."


	7. A Big Fish With A Big Problem

**Chapter Seven: A Big Fish With A Big Problem**

The next morning found Link and the BLU Team following what they assumed to be the Zora River, taking care not to get into the water unless it was necessary. Conversation was limited at this point, as they were focused on their traveling.

At least until they came across a pale, bald man sitting with his back against a rock, reaching into a sack in his lap and shoving multicolored beans into his mouth. Sniper was the first to notice him. "Oi! Who're you?"

As the others gathered around, the bald man mumbled through a mouthful of beans, "You guys want some Magic Beans?"

Link quirked an eyebrow. "Magic Beans?"

"Mhm," the guy nodded, crunching away. "Plant one pod and water it, and it'll grow into a big floating leaf in seven years. So…you guys want one? Ten rupees for one…"

The guy never got a chance to finish his sentence, for he was abruptly hoisted into the air with an undignified yelp by Soldier as the American screamed, "GET A JOB, HIPPIE!"

Soldier promptly threw the Magic Bean seller into the river, where he was carried off by the current as he flailed about in the water. His bag of beans was left forgotten by the riverbank.

"W-what in Din's name was _that_ for?!" Navi cried, mortified by the display.

"Hippies are a disgrace to the American people and must be shown the error of their ways if they are to become productive members of our society of _FREEDOM_!" Soldier declared.

"He was just trying to sell some beans!" Navi groused.

"Magic Beans must be a pseudonym for drugs! Which are bad, kids!" Soldier continued. "Leaves do not float in the air, maggot!"

As the fairy and the mercenary continued to argue, Heavy picked up the discarded bag with a grunt, fishing out a bean pod and inspecting it. It was like a dried-up, split-open snow peapod, with blue, yellow, and red beans inside. Shrugging, Heavy tied the satchel shut and looped the string around his belt.

"I do not think beans are drug," the Russian rumbled. "They are meant to be eaten. Heavy will hold onto beans for future use."

"Uh, don't you think we should, I don't know, find that guy and give them back?" Link asked uncertainly.

"Lad, if there's one thing you should learn not to do in loife," Sniper explained sagely, putting a hand on Link's shoulder, "it's sell suspicious stuff in outta-the-way places, 'cause that's how drug dealahs operate."

"But what in the Lost Woods _are_ drugs?" Link asked.

" _Nobody say anything_!" Navi abruptly shrieked, flitting over Link's head. "He _does not_ need to know about that kind of stuff yet!"

"And yet you're perfectly content te let 'im swing around a sword and scream like a loon," Demoman pointed out, belching as he took a swig of his canteen, freshly filled with ale from the Kakariko Inn. "Which, considerin' that's part'a wot _Ah_ do fer a livin', ain't so bad."

"That's different…" Navi mumbled half-heartedly, stung by Demoman's surprisingly-sound logic.

"Listen, Sheila," Sniper said, folding his arms. "Link here can't afford to be sheltered from stuff he oughta know. You never know what the bloody hell we're gonna run into out here."

"Is someone gonna answer my question or not?!" Link huffed, unamused at being left out of a grownup conversation.

"Son," Engineer began, adjusting his hardhat. "There're some things out there that ya just shouldn't put in ya. Some people're crazy enough to eat, drink, 'n otherwise consume poisonous things that can really addle your brains. Take Demoman, fer instance."

"Aye?" Demoman spoke up, not really comprehending their conversation in his drunken state.

"Y'all notice how he's always staggerin' about, drinkin' funny things?" Engineer continued, leaning forward while jerking a thumb towards the inebriated Scotsman. Link nodded while Navi looked uncomfortable. "There's somethin' out there called 'alcohol'. It's a grownup drink, somethin' young'uns ain't allowed to have till they're all grown up."

"Unless you're in Scotland!" Demoman cried, holding up his canteen.

Engineer rolled his eyes beneath his ever-present goggles. "Anyway, alcohol is a kinda drug. When ya drink it, 'specially when ya drink _a lot_ , like Demo does, it messes with your brain. Ya can't see straight, the world around ya's spinnin', your judgment's impaired, and ya get this feelin'a lightness in your head that _feels_ good, but ain't actually _doin_ ' ya any good. Most drugs work the same way. Eat 'em, drink 'em, or whatever else ya do, people do it so they can get that good feelin', even though it's killin' their body inside."

Link looked mortified by this, turning towards Demoman as the Scotsman emptied his flask down his gullet. "Why would you willingly poison yourself like that?!" he exclaimed.

Demoman belched. "It's good stuff, laddie!"

"Alcohol in particulah destroys your liver," Sniper added. "The only reason Demo's hasn't been totally annoihilated is because'a Respawn and Medic's Medi-Gun. He drinks so much that his body has to squeeze whatever nutrients it can get outta the booze, to the point he gets sick if he eats regulah food 'n watah."

Link and Navi both looked thunderstruck. "That's _horrifying_ ," Navi uttered.

"Less talk, more walk," Heavy rumbled. "We must find water source."

Without further ado, they resumed their trek, traveling across a wooden bridge as they ventured further up the trail. Eventually they arrived at a large waterfall, with a ledge overlooking it. "This must be the water source," Engineer mused, taking the lead. "There's an engravin' here with that Triforce symbol on it."

Navi hovered over it. " _The flow of this waterfall serves the King of Hyrule. When the King slumbers, so too do these falls_ ," she read out loud.

"Oi think that's your cue, lad," Sniper spoke up, nudging Link forward.

Link stood on the engraving as he took out his ocarina and played Zelda's Lullaby. Before their very eyes, the waterfall split down the middle, revealing a passageway that presumably led into the Zora's Domain. Link took the lead, and one by one, they jumped across the gap and walked inside.

They found themselves inside a huge underground chamber, with a deep lake of fresh water below and a pathway that wound around the cavern wall. All over the place were what could only be described as fish people, with white scales aglow with a blue iridescence, black eyes, fins coming out of their arms and legs, and fish tails growing out the backs of their heads. One of them happened to notice the group of humans taking in their surroundings and strode up to them.

"Oh! More humans?" the Zora spoke up. "Come here looking for your friends?"

Sniper grinned. "Oi knew it."

Engineer held out his gloved hand. "Y'all must be a Zora. Pleasure t'be here, sir. Mind tellin' us where they are? We've been tryin' t'get back together ever since we all…dropped in, so t'speak."

The Zora shook his hand as he replied, "Yes, there's two of them. A younger fellow who has been complaining nonstop about the lack of human females in our home, and a healer of some kind who the King has commissioned to tend to Jabu-Jabu, our patron deity."

"That sounds like Medic and tiny baby Scout!" Heavy proclaimed, eager to be reunited with his best friend.

"Jabu-Jabu?" Link asked.

"Jabu-Jabu is a lesser deity we worship, whose power helps keep the waters of Hyrule fresh, pure, and clean," the Zora explained. "But lately he's been acting strange. He became ill somehow, and not long afterwards he swallowed our Princess!"

Sniper's eyes hardened. "Did a rathah unpleasant-lookin' individual pass through here lately?"

The Zora scratched his chin. "Now that I think about it, the day before Jabu-Jabu got sick, a male Gerudo came to see the King. Nobody knows what they talked about, but it left the King pretty riled."

"So where c'n we find our Scout 'n Medic?" Engineer asked.

"We had the guy I assume is your Scout start helping out our shopkeeper down there," the Zora explained, pointing in the direction of the store. "Your Medic's probably still trying to heal Lord Jabu-Jabu, so you'll probably have to talk to the King to see him." He then pointed towards the stairway that led up to the King's chambers.

"Much obliged," Engineer nodded. "Let's go round up our Scout, boys."

Link and the BLUs walked down near the water's edge and found a small cave that opened up into the Zora Shop. On the way there, Pyro happened to notice several unlit torches that, in his crazy mind, were begging him to light them up and make them happy. Sure enough, sitting at the counter with his head propped up in his arm and looking bored out his mind was the BLU Scout, his eyes on the table as he sighed. "Welcome to the Zora Shop," he began dully. "Can I interest ya in some fish?"

It was at that moment that he finally looked up, his eyes widening in shock at his visitors. "Been lookin' all over for ya, son," Engineer began warmly.

Scout laughed in exhilaration as he bounded over to his team, hugging Engineer. "Ho ho ho, _man_! I have _never_ been so happy to see ya guys!"

The two men broke the hug as Scout immediately launched into a tirade. "It's been horrible, let me tell ya! Afteh dat explosion, I woke up and found myself surrounded by these weird-ass fish-heads! And then I saw dat Medic was here too, so I thought maybe that you guys might be 'round heah somewhere, but when nobody else showed, I started gettin' worried! And everybody heah's a freakin' _Creature From The Black Lagoon_ wannabe, not a hot girl in sight! Do ya even know what dat's like?!"

Engineer chuckled. "Ah c'n imagine."

"So where da hell've ya guys been?!"

"Oi woke up in a forest," Sniper answered. "Engie woke up on a ranch, Solly 'n Spoi woke up in the capital'a this country we wound up in, Demo 'n Heavy turned up in anothah town near a volcano, and Pyro woke up actually in the volcano."

Scout looked between each of his colleagues. "So where is that backstabbin' spook anyway?"

"Still at Castle Town," Engineer replied. "He wanted t'keep an eye on things while we gathered the rest'a the team."

Scout scoffed. "Freakin' coward. What's dere to keep an eye on?"

"A Communist hippie wants to take over the world, and we hired ourselves to stop him in the name of freedom!" Soldier declared.

Scout blinked for a moment before he flatly said, "Anybody mind explainin' dat to me in a way dat ain't stupid?"

"A wankah named Ganondorf wants ta conquah the world," Sniper explained. "We all just got liberated more or less from the Administrator's clutches, so none of us really fancy havin' to put up with yet anothah megalomaniacal toirant."

Scout shrugged. "Sounds a lot bettah dan kickin' back in this smelly place. So when do we get outta heah?"

"We must find Medic first," Heavy reminded them. "And then get last stone."

"Uh, what stone?" Scout asked.

Meanwhile, Pyro noticed a Deku Stick on the shelf behind the counter and sauntered over to it, inspecting it. Remembering the torches he had seen on the way to the shop, he chuckled merrily as he took out his trusty cigarette lighter and lit the tip of the Deku Stick. Without anyone noticing, he slipped outside and set to work.

"The Zoras here have a magic stone we need in order t'stop Ganondorf," Engineer explained. "We got two others, 'n now we just need this last one. And at the same time, we got the whole team back together."

"Didn't that fish-man say somethin' aboot their princess gettin' munched by their god or whatnot?" Demoman pointed out, looking around for anything that might resemble alcohol.

Sniper nodded. "We're probably gonna hafta check that out too. No doubt that Ganondorf's responsible for their deity gettin' sick."

Link just stood there awkwardly as the conversation pretty much carried on without him, until Scout finally noticed that there was someone with them who _wasn't_ wearing blue. "Hey, who's the kid?"

Link cleared his throat, thankful that he was being acknowledged. "I'm Link. This is my fairy partner, Navi."

Navi flitted up to Scout's face, looking him over. "You _seem_ normal…"

Scout laughed. "Considerin' the otheh clowns I hafta put up with, I'll take dat as a compliment, toots!"

XXXXXX

Meanwhile, Pyro had just finished lighting the last torch when he was approached by a Zora who had been watching him work. "Hey, buddy."

Pyro turned towards the Zora and waved, muttering something unintelligible. Then, to Pyro's surprise, the Zora replied, "Yeah, thanks for that. When they went out, we didn't have any other materials on hand to relight them with. Zoras are pretty flammable."

"You can understand me?" Pyro asked.

"I sure can," the Zora replied. "You talking under that mask doesn't sound too different from someone trying to talk underwater, so I can understand your dialect well enough to tell what you're saying."

Pyro clapped his hands and laughed. "Oh, I love it when people actually know what I'm saying! I can't take the mask off because reasons, so most people can't understand me."

The Zora shrugged. "Well, anyway, I wanted to thank you for your generosity. Now our Domain will feel a little warmer." The Zora held up a strange, scale-like object with a pearly silver hue. "This is a Silver Scale. When you have it, you can hold your breath longer underwater. Real useful for humans like you."

"I don't do so well in water," Pyro muttered before he brightened. "I know! I'll give it to one of my teammates! Thanks, strange fish-person!"

Pyro ran off, giggling happily and leaving behind a bewildered Zora. The satisfied merc returned just in time to hear Sniper asked, "Hey, where'd Pyro go?"

Pyro waved his hand, holding up the Silver Scale. "What's that'cha got there, son?" Engineer asked.

Pyro murmured in response. "Silver Scale?" Engineer translated questioningly.

"Any chance that's made'a real silver?" Demoman asked eagerly.

"No, it's only called that because of its sheen," Navi explained. "Silver Scales are enchanted scales said to be harvested straight from the body of Jabu-Jabu. Any non-Zora who holds it is able to hold their breath underwater longer than normal."

"In that case, Oi recommend givin' it ta Link here," Sniper spoke up. "We've all been doin' our business long enough ta be able to stay undahwatah longah than othah blokes."

"Agreed," Engineer consented.

"Heavy agrees too."

"Eh, I learned my lesson afteh I tried out dat Holy Mackerel," Scout dismissed. "Not gonna let myself smell like fish again if I can help it."

"The cadet may have it now, but when we have put a stop to Gandalf…!"

Link snorted as Navi awkwardly corrected Soldier, "Ganondorf."

" _When we have put a stop to that hippie maggot with the hippie name I don't care enough to remember_ ," Soldier continued in a louder voice, "he will learn not to rely on magic trinkets to be a real man! He will enter a strict training regimen to improve strength, endurance, and character…"

"You've made your point, Jane," Engineer groaned. "Calm down."

"Yessir!"

Link just stared at Soldier before he muttered to Scout, "Why is he like that?"

Scout just shrugged. "Dunno. But ironically it got his ass kicked outta every branch'a da US military. So he just said fuck it, picked up a rocket launcher, and tore half'a Europe a new one on his way ta Germany durin' World War II. With da Russians firebombin' Berlin and Soldier literally poundin' in the door'a his bunker, Hitler killed himself radda than let Soldier get his hands on 'im."

With the decision made, Pyro strode over to Link and held out the Silver Scale. Link hesitantly took it with an uncertain, "Thanks."

Pyro giggled happily, pleased that Link liked his gift, and patted the young boy on his head before resuming his place near the door. Link blushed a little in embarrassment, while Navi just uttered, "I really don't know what to make of this guy. He's like a big, crazy child…"

"Who's _really_ obsessed with fire," Scout clarified. "Now're we gonna go fetch the doc or what?"

The team left the store and began heading for the throne room, traveling up a long flight of stairs until they reached their destination. Seated before them was a huge, obese Zora wearing a royal red robe and a crown. Below him was another, regular Zora whose arms were folded as he saw their visitors. "You stand before His Majesty, King Zora De Bon the Sixteenth! State your business!"

Engineer bowed courteously, an action that the others did not partake in. "Pleasure t'make your acquaintance, Your Majesty. Mah name's Dell Conagher. Me 'n mah boys here 've come for a number'a reasons, startin' with collectin' the final member'a our team, whom we heard y'all hired t'heal your sick deity."

"Ah, yes," King Zora began. "Your Medic. He has been having difficulty healing Lord Jabu-Jabu. His technology is incredible, but it seems to not be enough. Whatever ails our guardian is not natural. And now he's eaten my precious daughter! My poor, innocent, delicate Princess Ruto…and on the very day she was to be married to my kingdom's most handsome man…"

The other Zora looked rather pleased with himself at his ruler's declaration.

"Your Majesty, if we c'n figger out what's botherin' your deity 'n patch 'im up," Engineer offered, "will ya give us the Spiritual Stone'a Water?"

"The Zora's Sapphire?" King Zora asked. "If you can retrieve the princess from inside Lord Jabu-Jabu in the process, it shall be a royal decree!"

"Consider it done, Your Majesty," Engineer nodded. "Let's get goin', boys."

"Allow me to make way for you," King Zora huffed as he slowly scooched over, allowing access to the passageway behind him. "Now please right these wrongs, brave travelers!"

The group passed by the rotund fish-man and soon found themselves outside in a large clearing. Ahead of them was a shrine of some sort, over which loomed an impressive creature that looked like a cross between a fish and a whale. On its head was a large golden crown, and standing face-to-snout with what they assumed was Jabu-Jabu, trailing familiar healing beams of blue into the guardian deity, was a bespectacled man in the trademark colors of BLU.

"Hold shtill now, _shweinhund_! I am trying to heal you!"

Jabu-Jabu rumbled forlornly with a distressed look in his eyes as the deity shifted in his lake, small waves rippling out from the movement. Medic scratched his neat black hair as he inspected his Medi-Gun. "Zis is _baffling_. I have specifically recalibrated my Medi-Gun settings to purge illnesses _und_ bacterial infections, and you are _shtill_ under ze veather." The German scientist's eyes narrowed in menace as he leaned forward, glaring up into Jabu-Jabu's eyes. "You had better not be faking zis illness, you _verdammt_ space vhale, or zere vill be _dire_ consequences. I do _not_ tolerate zat sort of behavior, Überbeing or not! It is a vaste of a medical practitioner's invaluable time!"

Jabu-Jabu snorted in Medic's face, but the mad scientist stood his ground, looking even more annoyed. "You are making zis _very_ difficult. Perhaps I could cut you open instead, _und_ maybe zen ve'll find out vhat's bothering you, hm? I've never dissected a god before…"

Medic's sinister chuckle at that last statement chilled Link to the bone. "T-this guy's a _doctor_?"

"Aye, crazy as a loon, but he's ours, boyo," Demoman answered.

"MEDIC!" Heavy boomed as he rushed towards the surprised doctor.

" _Vhat_?! Herr Heavy?!" Medic cried right before he was swept up in Heavy's arms and nearly crushed in a Russian bear hug.

"HO HA HA HA HA!" Heavy bellowed joyously. "Heavy has missed you, Doktor!"

"Ack! Let go, you are cutting off my circulation!" Medic wheezed in Heavy's grip.

Heavy complied, allowing Medic a moment to recompose himself before he noticed the others. "I vas vondering vhen ze rest of you _shweinhunds_ vould show up!" he groused. " _Und_ vhere is Herr Spy?"

Engineer chuckled. "We were all scattered 'round, but we've been regroupin', gettin' back together. We did find Spah, but he's off doin' his own thing right now, helpin' us in his own way fer the time bein'. Somethin' _big_ 's goin' down, Doc, 'n we're gonna need your help t'see it done."

"At least you acknowledge zat you all vould be hopeless vithout me," Medic grunted, rolling his eyes.

"Aye! We've been doin' pretty well for ourselves so far, Doc!" Demoman hiccupped.

"Killed a foiah-breathin' doinosaur while we were at it too," Sniper smirked. "C'mon, Doc. What say you ta helpin' us save the world?"

Medic huffed. "Oh, fine. But only because ve're a team, _und_ somevone has to mother you obnoxious manchildren." Suddenly the doctor's keen eyes noticed something. " _Und_ speaking of children, who is zis _kinder_ you have brought vith you?"

Link cleared his throat, a little unnerved by Medic. "Um, I'm Link. This here's my fairy partner, Navi."

Medic's head snapped up to stare at Navi, and the look that grew on the German's face as he saw her suddenly made her very, _very_ afraid.

"A _fairy_ , you say?" Medic positively giggled in a way that honestly terrified Link and Navi. "Oh, zis vorld is **_far_** better zan anything I could have ever dreamed of! No Administrator, no _verdammt_ robots, no Gravel Vars, and I can pioneer a whole new branch of science vith ze magical creatures of zis vorld! Oh, ze experiments I can do…! Herr Link!" Link jumped at this, unnerved by the eager glint in the German's eyes. "Vould you permit me to dissect zis fairy?"

" _NO_!" Link nearly shrieked as Navi dove under Link's hat with a cry of pure fear.

"Y-You're a psychopath!" Navi screeched from the safety of Link's hat.

"But it vould contribute astronomically to science!" Medic cheerfully pressed.

"You're not gonna cut open Navi! Leave her alone!"

"Doc, come on, man!" Scout cried. "You're freakin' all of us out! Lay offa her, ya nut!"

Medic adjusted his glasses in defeat. "Hmph, alright. If zere's vone of you, zere's sure to be more. Science marches on." With that, he refocused his attention on the rest of his team, who were relieved that Medic was leaving their ward alone. "I vill help you, but on vone condition. You must help me."

"Doktor is trying to heal sick whale god, ya?" Heavy spoke up.

" _Ja_ ," Medic replied.

"Well, just so happens we came here t'help ya do that anyway," Engineer explained good-naturedly. "Y'see, there's this big mean mother hubbard who wants t'take over the world we all've been dropped into. Since Ah'm sure ya don't wanna answer t'someone just as bad as the Administrator again any more 'n we do, Ah figured y'all would help us anyway. But Ah digress. That mean mother hubbard Ah mentioned? He's the one responsible for this big dang fish gettin' sick. 'N givin' our past experiences, Ah'm willin' t'bet that the only way we're gonna cure 'im…is t'go inside 'im."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" Scout interrupted, waving his hands. "Are ya sayin' ya wanna _let this thing eat us_?!"

But Medic became pensive, scratching his chin in thought. "Hm…I hadn't thought of zat. Yes…yes, it could vork!"

"That bloodeh fish ate the fish princess, don't forget!" Demoman pointed out.

Medic clapped his gloved hands together, rubbing them excitedly. "How exciting! I've never performed surgery on a god before! Perhaps, if ve're lucky, ve may even find ze Zora Princess's half-digested corpse!"

Link paled in horror at that statement.

"Do we _really_ need this guy?!" Navi harshly whispered loud enough for Sniper to hear, still sticking to the safety of Link's hat.

Sniper shrugged. "Ya get used to the Doc's antics fairly quick. Sure, he's mad as a hatter, but he's been good to us. Kept us aloive aftah the Respawn systems failed durin' the wanin' days'a the Robot Wars with a handy devoice he could use to resurrect us with his Medi-Gun if any of us got killed in battle. Hell, it could bring us back even if we'd been blown ta smithereens!"

Link's eyebrows rose at that. _Well…at least he does his job_ , he thought.

Medic toyed with his Medi-Gun's settings for a moment before looking up at Jabu-Jabu. "It seems ve vill have to enter your body and surgically remove ze source of your troubles. Now, if you vould be so kind as to open vide and say 'ah'!"

Jabu-Jabu's mouth slowly opened wide, but instead of completing Medic's order, he promptly sucked in a huge breath, pulling the entire group inside as they screamed.

" ** _NOOOOOOO, I'M TOO HANDSOME TO DIIIIIIIEEE_**!" Scout screamed all the way down.

The shrine was now silent, broken only by an undignified belch courtesy of Jabu-Jabu.

 **XXXXXX000XXXXXX**

 **Aaaaaand now the team's back together! Now they shall tackle Jabu-Jabu's Belly and a very frustrated Princess Ruto!**


	8. Divine Indigestion

***Sweats nervously***

 **Hey, so, um...anybody remember this story?**

 **Well, if you're all wondering what took so long to get this damn chapter out, the only thing I can answer with...is depression. Living isolated out on the farm where I am is basically like solitary confinement, and as a result I've been battling depression for months, and it's sapped all my creative energy. It's only through the love and support of my fans, and especially my friends, that I've been able to hold it together as long as I have been. And I've kept you waiting long enough.**

 **I actually had to replay the Jabu-Jabu segment to get it all down. I may not stick with the precise dungeon setup in the future, though. You guys are here for a story, not a walkthrough, right?**

 **Anyways, this is not the only chapter I've done. The next will show up within a few days so you guys will have time to digest this chapter and keep you stoked for the next installments. Let's hope my groove lasts.**

 **XXXXXXOOOXXXXXX**

 **Chapter Eight: Divine Indigestion**

The first things Link noticed as he slowly came to were that his head hurt, he was sticky and wet, and it stank _horribly_ , wherever he was.

The boy hero groaned as a bright light filled his vision, hurting his eyes. "Link! Link, are you okay?!"

"Ugh, Navi, you're making my head spin," Link grunted as he groggily sat up and rubbed his head.

It was then that he noticed the rest of the BLU Team nearby, entangled in a huge mass of struggling bodies and swear words in four different languages.

"Ach, yer foot's in me arse, Doc!" Demoman groaned.

"S-someone ge-het t-this f-fat bald bastard offa me!" Scout wheezed as he feebly tried to push Heavy off of him.

"Pyro, kindly remove your axe from my leg," Medic chided in annoyance, barely letting out more than a grunt as Pyro stood up and pried his axe loose from where it had lodged itself in the German's blood-stained calf, allowing his self-healing to slowly fix it up.

"Ugh, now that's one rodeo Ah don't wanna sign up for again," Engineer grunted as he rolled off of Sniper and got to his feet.

The mercenaries all disentangled themselves and helped each other up as Link got to his feet, taking in their surroundings. They appeared to be sitting on what seemed to be a massive tongue, with a pool of water (saliva?) behind them and some sort of orifice that looked disturbingly like a giant sphincter at the far back. Up above them was what they assumed to be the uvula.

Their eyes eventually wandered over to the rows of teeth locking them inside, and then it hit them.

"We're _insoide_ that bloody fish, aren't we?" Sniper exclaimed.

At this, Medic perked up immediately, running a gloved hand over the slimy wall. "Ooh! It's a good thing I have my Surgeon's Sidearms on me! So many samples, so little time!"

"Uh, he _does_ remember why we're here, right?" Link uncertainly spoke up, pointing at the mad scientist.

"Doc, focus," Engineer said. "We're gonna need ya t'keep us all in tip-top shape while we're in here, includin' the kid. Start buildin' an Ubercharge; never know when we're gonna need one."

" _Jawohl_!" Medic dutifully replied, training his Medi-Gun on Heavy. "Zere vill be plenty of time for samples vhile ve're here!"

"Remember, we're here to find Princess Ruto and whatever is making Jabu-Jabu sick!" Navi reminded them.

"So how do we get out when we've found them?" Link asked.

In answer, Heavy tried to pry Jabu-Jabu's jaws open, then started punching the fish god's teeth.

Neither provoked any reaction.

"Oh, that's not good," Demoman muttered.

"You mean we're trapped in here?!" Scout cried.

"Vell, zere is _vone_ vay ve can get back out," Medic suggested casually.

Link looked confused, but the other mercs looked at Medic, aghast.

" _No_!" Scout hollered, flailing his arms and shaking his head vehemently. " _No no no_! **_No no_**! **_Absolutely NO FUCKIN' WAY_**!"

"We are _not_ gettin' shat out boi a goiant fish!" Sniper groused.

Suddenly it clicked for Link, who immediately felt sick as he envisioned himself being pooped out by Jabu-Jabu.

"We'll figger somethin' out, okay boys?" Engineer declared. "Right now, we got a job t'do. So let's start lookin'. We're clearly at the back of the throat. We'll try t'find the esophagus 'n follow that. If the Princess was swallowed, she'll 've prob'ly gone down that tube. Then we'll search the stomach 'n work our way down the intestines, 'n if we haven't found either'a our objectives bah then, we'll go down the windpipe 'n through the lungs next. Sound like a plan?"

"This is the trippiest thing I've evuh had to do," Scout muttered.

"So how do we move forward?" Link asked, eyeing the opening ahead of them.

"Like any American worth his salt!" Soldier cried. " ** _CHAAAARGE_**!"

Brandishing his katana, Soldier ran straight at the opening, which, to everyone's surprise, opened up right before Soldier touched it, causing him to go through to the other side, stumble, and fall to the ground. The others quickly followed him through and found themselves in a large chamber. A narrow walkway led to two paths, one ahead and another to their right. A pool of water was situated a hundred feet below them.

"Uh, this doesn't look loike an esophagus at all," Sniper observed.

"How fascinating!" Medic declared. "Ze inside of a deity is far different zan zat of a normal creature!"

The doctor sliced off a small bit of tissue from the wall and stuck it inside a test tube, Jabu-Jabu's insides quivering at the discomfort.

"Careful there, Doc," Engie advised.

"A doctor is _alvays_ careful," Medic assured him in a tone of voice that would make anyone else feel anything but assured.

"Oi, lads!" Sniper spoke up, pointing ahead. "Looks loike we got company."

They all looked up to see a large blue jellyfish floating in the air, slowly coming towards them. Pyro was delighted at the sight of it, clapping his hands and laughing, for there was no denying that it looked very attractive.

Navi, however, was not so enthused. "Watch out! That's a Biri! They're parasitic jellyfish that defend themselves with biologically-generated electricity! Whatever you do, don't touch them!"

Medic grinned maniacally. "Oh, how _fascinating_! A jellyfish vith ze abilities of an electric eel zat can float in ze air of its own accord! Now zis is a creature vorth studying!"

Medic stepped up to the front, centering the approaching Biri's attention on him as the mad doctor fished out a syringe filled with a clear fluid. "Come over here! I promise I vill feed you!"

"Uh, Doc? Whaddaya doin'?" Scout nervously asked.

As soon as the Biri was within Medic's reach, the German gleefully jammed the syringe into the parasitic jellyfish and pumped its body full of tranquilizer, causing Link and Navi to cry out with shock.

"W-why aren't you being shocked?" Link asked, incredulous.

"Rubber gloves, _kinder_ ," Medic replied as the drugged Biri sank down to the floor. "Rubber does not conduct electricity!"

"Doc, ya can't take that with us," Engineer said like he was addressing a child trying to take home a stray dog. "Ya need yer hands free t'use yer Medi-Gun, 'n besides, what'll ya do when it wakes up?"

Medic just shrugged. "I'll leave it here _und_ collect it later. Zat tranqvilizer should keep it sedated for at least eight hours."

The other mercs just rolled their eyes as Medic resumed building up his Übercharge with Heavy.

"Let's just get a move on," Sniper grumbled. "It looks loike we can't go roight yet, so that just leaves left."

And so left they took, and soon came across another sphincter…door…thing. On the other side they found themselves in a large empty chamber devoid of anything other than strange holes in the floor, one of which was blocked off by a pulsating tubular green organism protruding from the ceiling, and another sphincter-like door at the far end.

And just ahead of them…

"Hey! Who are you people?!" a young Zora girl with a head vaguely reminiscent of a hammerhead shark's demanded.

"Princess…Ruto?" Link tentatively ventured.

"Yes, I am, what of it?" Ruto snapped confrontationally.

"Your father asked us to come and save you," Navi said.

Ruto huffed and jutted out her chin. "Humph! I don't _need_ saving!"

"You've ended up loike Gepetto in that Pinocchio story, and you're tellin' us ya don't need savin'?" Sniper groused in annoyance.

"Your pa's mighty worried 'bout ya, darlin'," Engineer spoke up.

"I don't _care_!" Ruto snapped. "I'm not leaving! So just get out of here, understand?!"

"NOW LISTEN HERE, _MAGGOT_!" Soldier roared as he stepped forward, getting right in Ruto's face, whose defiant expression gave way to one of hesitation and fear as she involuntarily began to take a step back. "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO BE DOING THE _UNDERSTANDING_ AROUND HERE! MAGGOTS LIKE YOU ARE THE REASON MONARCHIES CRUMBLED IN THE FACE OF GOOD OLD-FASHIONED AMERICAN FREEDOM! JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE SOME BRATTY LITTLE PRINCESS WHO GETS TO HOST LITTLE GIRLY TEA PARTIES WHENEVER YOU WANT DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN _DISRESPECT YOUR ELDERS_! _UNDERSTAND,_ _ **MAGGOT**_?!"

While Soldier had been screaming at her, Ruto had slowly been backing up, the crazed mercenary stepping forward each time and giving her no space. Unfortunately, Ruto was not watching where she was going, still being screamed at.

"I _SAID_ , DO. _YOU_. **_UNDERSTAND_**. **_MAGGOT_**!"

Ruto never got a chance to reply. With her last step, she lost her footing, and fell backward down the hole with a scream.

"PRINCESS RUTO!" Link yelled, running over to the hole.

"Ah, cripe!" Demoman complained. "Now ye've gone 'n done et, Soldier!"

"Princess Ruto, can you hear me?!" Link cried, straining his ears to listen.

"U-ughhh…I'm fine," came Ruto's distant voice.

"C'mon, we need to see if she's okay!" Navi cried, slipping down the hole, Link promptly following her down with a yell.

Sniper smacked his forehead. "How many toimes are ya gonna do that, lad?!"

"Forward!" Soldier declared as he jumped down the hole.

Next went Pyro, Medic, Sniper, Engie, Demoman, and finally Scout, with Heavy prepared to bring up the rear. However, when the big Russian man jumped in, he got stuck in the hole.

Down below, Link and the mercs collected themselves and found Ruto glaring at them with her arms folded. "Are you jokers still here?! I thought I told you to…"

Her complaining was cut short as Heavy's large frame, having just freed itself from the hole above, crashed down on his unfortunate cohorts, knocking them all painfully to the fleshy ground with a collection of yells and grunts. Ruto just stared open-mouthed as her "rescuers" lay in a less-than-dignified heap.

Scout was the first to speak. "Ma, I told ya I like sausage with my pancakes, not bacon," he uttered before falling unconscious.

"Pain," Link wheezed weakly.

"Urgh, get off, _schweinhund_!" Medic groaned, trying to wiggle out from under Heavy.

"Ugh, Heavy is sorry," the bald giant groaned, rolling off of the others as they grunted some more from the shifting weight. "Got stuck in hole."

As Medic got up and began healing everyone of their injuries, Ruto finally found her voice again. "Are you guys for real?"

"Are you alright, Princess?" Link asked, still a little sore.

Ruto rolled her eyes. "I'm fine. I've been going around inside Jabu-Jabu's belly since I was little. But…Lord Jabu-Jabu's been acting strangely lately. There are weird electrified monsters and strange holes all over the place, and even worse, my precious stone…" However, Ruto seemed to catch herself at this and huffed again. "But that's none of your business!"

"Y'all 're talkin' about the Spiritual Stone 'a Water, ain'cha?" Engineer spoke up knowingly.

Ruto looked shocked. "How did you know that?!"

"We came here looking for it!" Link said. "We need it to stop Ganondorf from taking over Hyrule!"

"Ganondorf…" Ruto muttered, recalling something. "Not too long ago, a man by that name came to see my father. My father sent me away, so I don't know what they talked about. But afterwards, Father looked like he was really upset, and he told me to keep the Zora's Sapphire close. And then I had to go and lose it in here!"

"Ganondorf has been causing all sorts of trouble, trying to get these stones," Navi said. "He…he killed the Great Deku Tree and tried to starve the Gorons into submission. We have no doubts that he's responsible for Jabu-Jabu's sickness too."

Engineer stepped forward and knelt down to Ruto's level, taking off his hardhat. "Li'l lady," he spoke softly in a fatherly tone. "Ah promise ya we'll do everythin' we can t'find your stone 'n kill whatever big mean mother hubbard's at the source'a all the hullabaloo in here. But ya gotta trust us. We're professionals, 'n we're good at what we do. So why don't y'all go on back with one of us t'yer pa while we handle the situation in here?"

Ruto glumly hung her head at this, and after a moment she said, "That's…not the only reason I don't wanna go back." She looked up at her audience and continued, "The truth is…I wasn't swallowed by Lord Jabu-Jabu. I came here to hide."

"'N why is that?"

Ruto sniffed and answered, "Because…my father arranged to wed me off to some snobby Zora noble and didn't even bother asking what I thought." Tears started flickering in her eyes. "My father's always going on about 'our cute princess' this and 'our cute princess' that, and I'm tired of my father treating me like I'm some kind of doll! I've got my own feelings!"

"Now Ah don't pretend t'understand exactly what you're goin' through," Engineer replied. "But your pa does love ya 'n care about'cha, 'n right now he's worried. So whaddaya say ya go on home?"

Ruto shook her head. "No. I'll…I'll let you guys help, but I'm not leaving without the Sapphire."

Engineer sighed. "Alright. If ya say so." With that, the Texan genius stood up. "But all Ah ask is that'cha stick with us."

Ruto folded her arms petulantly. "You don't really expect a princess to _walk_ , do you?"

Scout looked annoyed. "What, do ya expect one of us to just _carry_ ya?"

Ruto's unimpressed look was all the confirmation he needed. Engie turned to look at the younger merc. "Thank ya for volunteerin', Scout."

"WHAT?!" Scout cried. "No no no no no! I did _not_ agree to dat! Why can't Heavy ovuh here do it?!"

"Heavy does not feel like it," Heavy rumbled off-handedly.

"Just think of it as an intelligence briefcase, Scout," Medic helpfully suggested as the other BLUs had a chuckle at Scout's expense.

"Aye! A talkin' intelligence briefcase that smells like fish!" Demoman added.

"HEY!" Ruto shouted indignantly.

"Seriously, screw you guys," Scout grumbled as he stepped forward and picked up the waiting princess, allowing her to deposit herself on his back as she wrapped her legs around his neck.

"Carrying the Zora Princess is a great honor," Ruto said. "You should feel proud."

"Ugh," Scout groaned, hating every moment of it.

Now that the whole princess business was settled, the group took in their surroundings. Above them was a ledge that led to another sphincter, with the green tubular mass still pulsating near it. Off to the side was another sphincter, and a third one further off. As the first one on the ledge was currently unreachable, the group opted for the nearest door and went through it.

They found themselves in a hallway, with a number of giant bubbles bouncing leisurely off the organic walls. "What are those?" Link asked, sensing that they were no ordinary bubbles.

"Zey appear to be gastric bubbles," Medic informed. "I vould not recommend touching zem; gastric bubbles are acidic."

"Bettah pop 'em, then," Sniper surmised as he and the others all got out their melee weapons and began poking carefully at the Shaboms, bursting each one without incident.

With the Shaboms taken care of, they continued onward until the hallway opened up into another room with a pit dividing it in half. Inside the pit was a shallow pool of water with an organic polyp of some kind acting as a switch. Swimming around in the water were several stingrays of some kind.

"Watch out for those Stingers!" Navi advised. "They're pretty aggressive, so they'll attack if you get too close!"

"Not to worry, Shiela," Sniper proclaimed. "This'll be a cakewalk."

The Stingers were no match for the hardened mercenaries, and with the threat neutralized, they could turn their attention to the polyp.

"Is this a switch?" Link asked, inspecting the growth.

"Yeah, some of those open doors or raise the water level," Ruto explained from atop Scout's back.

Link shrugged and stepped on the polyp switch. Immediately the pit filled with water, allowing them all to swim over to the other side, where another hallway awaited them. Continuing on through another sphincter, they found themselves in front of a lake just in time to see an organic platform lower in front of them. They quickly piled on, all barely fitting together as the platform took them back up to the second room just beyond the entrance.

"Alright, we're back where we started," Engineer spoke up. "Ya sure ya still wanna come with us, Princess? Might be dangerous."

"I'm not scared!" was her hot reply.

They went back through the door into the room they had first encountered Ruto in and took care to avoid the other holes in the floor as they approached the door at the far end. Suddenly a large jellyfish with two arm-like appendages fell in front of them and hovered above them threateningly.

"Watch out! It's a Bari!" Navi cried. "They're just like the smaller Biri; their bodies are electrified!"

That, however, did not deter Soldier, who cried out, "Heal me, Medic!" right before wildly swinging his katana at the Bari, killing it but hitting him with a nasty shock that was quickly mitigated by the Medi-Gun.

" _Dummkopf_ ," Medic muttered. "At least I'm fully charged now."

Behind the door was another hallway that split in three directions. The passageway directly ahead was blocked off by another tubular pulsating growth, this one a dark blue in color. The other two paths each had another path branch off.

"So whaddaya reckon, boys?" Engineer asked. "Right or left?"

"Oi say we split up," Sniper suggested. "We're not just lookin' at roight or left. Both sides have an extra path."

"Alright, fair enough," Engie conceded. "Sniper, take Link 'n go to the far right. Heavy, Medic, y'all will go down the second passage on the right. Soldier, Demo, go down the far left. Pyro 'n Ah will go down the second-left passage. Scout, stay put here with the Princess."

With that settled, the group split up. However, Heavy and Medic immediately ran into a problem when they discovered their route was blocked off by another tubular organism, this one blood-red.

"Very interesting," Medic surmised as he investigated the parasite up close. "Ze placement of zis parasitic organism is too precise to be coincidence. _Und_ it appears to also be able to generate bio-electricity. I must discover how zey do it!"

Heavy just grumbled at his German friend, now lost to his scientific hysteria.

Pyro and Engineer soon encountered the same problem, their route also being blocked by a red parasitic appendage. Pyro took an experimental swing at it with his axe and received a nasty shock that knocked him on his ass for his trouble.

"Darn," Engie uttered.

Meanwhile, Soldier and Demoman found themselves in a large circular room staring up at a large red parasitic tentacle hanging from the ceiling. Even dimbulb Solly and stone-drunk Demo could tell this thing was also electrified.

"What now?" Soldier asked.

Demoman grinned as he fished out a bomb. "Give et a whiff 'o the ol' brimstone, methinks!"

The Scotsman chucked the bomb at the parasite, only for it to swat the bomb back at them. They both dodged and avoided the blast.

"…Ah think this one's a wee bit outta our league, boyo."

"Yeah…"

It was Sniper, Link, and Navi who achieved progress when they entered a large, circular room in which several Stingers were floating around. "If we slay all the enemies in here, something might happen!" Navi declared.

Sniper shrugged before looking down at Link. "Let's see which of us bags the most baddies, lad. How 'bout it?"

Link grinned, drawing his sword. "You're on."

Navi rolled her unseen eyes. "Boys," she muttered.

It was Sniper who won in the end, his taller size and greater reach allowed him to kill three of the Stingers, while Link was only able to get two. It seemed Navi was right, as once the stingray-like monsters were dead, a large wooden chest appeared out of thin air in the middle of the room.

"Ooh, now let's see wot this is," Sniper said as he and Link walked over.

Link pried the chest open and pulled out an ornate boomerang. "A boomerang?"

"Aw, that's _noice_ ," Sniper declared. "Haven't seen a boomerang since moi choildhood back in the bush!"

"This is a magical boomerang!" Navi spoke up. "I bet you can use this to attack distant enemies, and stun some others!"

Boomerang in hand, Link headed back through the entrance. "Let's see if the others found anything."

The team all met back up where they had left Scout and Ruto near the exit. "Our way was blocked bah some weird red growth," Engineer began.

"Da, as was ours," Heavy added. "But Medic managed to get tissue sample from parasite, so he is happy."

"There was a big red tentacle in our room," Demoman informed them. "But the damned thing is so high up we can't do anything aboot it!"

Link looked at his newly-acquired boomerang. "I bet this will come in handy. We found it in our room. Lead us to this big tentacle."

Soldier and Demoman led the others to the room with the tentacle, watching as the parasitic appendage dangled leisurely back and forth across the ceiling. "I bet this thing's connected to those red slimy things blocking the doors back there," Navi surmised.

"Stand back, guys," Link advised before stepping forward and hurling the boomerang towards a narrow part of the tentacle.

The boomerang sliced deep into the tentacle but did not sever it. The tentacle withdrew into the ceiling, hiding its weak point. "We've gotta draw it back out! Distract it!" Link cried, raising the boomerang again.

"Oi! Over here, ya great lactatin' wetnurse!" Demoman cuckolded, running into the tentacle's range.

" _Nyet_! Here!" Heavy cried out, waving his arms as Medic prepared for an Übercharge.

"Can't hit what ain't there!" Scout mocked, running around pretty fast even with Ruto on his back.

Eventually the tentacle lowered, exposing its injury as it prepared to take a swing at Heavy, the slowest of their party. But right before it could strike, Link threw the boomerang once more, this time severing the tentacle. The severed half fell twitching to the ground.

"Alright, now those two passageways should be open!" Link declared.

"Let's go check 'em out then!" Engineer said as they headed out.

They turned to see that the path had indeed been opened up. "Let's see wot's in theah," Sniper said, taking the lead.

The first room, however, had nothing but a bunch of Shaboms inside, and was thus left alone. When they got to the second room, they discovered a blue parasitic tentacle waiting for them. "Three guesses which door _that_ opens," Sniper muttered.

They repeated the process from the first tentacle, and in no time at all they had slain it, allowing them access to the final room.

Upon entering the final room, they discovered the final green tentacle and slew it with ease. "That's the last tentacle!" Navi said. "Now we can get to that other room across from where Ruto fell!"

They backtracked to this room and jumped down the newly-accessible hole, this time letting Heavy go first. Once they had all gathered, they went inside to find a large raised platform in the middle of the room, and once Ruto saw what was sitting on it, she began gesturing wildly and reaching towards it.

"That's it! That's the Zora's Sapphire!" she cried. "Quick, toss me over there!"

Scout was only too happy to oblige, tossing Ruto over to the stone. The princess happily picked it up, heedless of Engie's narrowing eyes. "Darlin', git down from there, _now_."

Ruto looked surprised. "What…?"

Suddenly the platform began to shake, knocking Ruto off her feet with a cry.

"SCOUT!" Engie shouted. "Ge the Princess!"

It was only through Scout's quick reflexes that he was able to get onto the platform just before it shot into the air and disappeared through a hole in the ceiling just large enough for it.

"Scout!"

"Princess Ruto!"

XXXXXX

"Stay behind me, Sunshine!" Scout ordered, drawing his favorite weapon, the Three-Rune Blade, a sword that had supposedly once belonged to someone named 'Witcher', or something like that.

Ruto was too afraid to object, staying as close as she could to Scout as the platform continued to rise. Soon it fit itself into another wide room, and waiting for them was the weirdest-looking octopus the Bostonian had ever seen. It had a spiked, spiraled shell on its back, and its tentacles were short. It had large green eyes and a sucker-like mouth.

And it was looking right at Princess Ruto.

Ruto screamed as the Bigocto came barreling at them. Scout yanked on Ruto's arm and pulled her out of the monster's path. As the Bigocto righted itself, Scout acted quickly and sliced off one of its tentacles. The Bigocto recoiled and then retaliated by shooting a basketball-sized rock at the two of them. Scout leapt aside, but then realized too late that had been what the cephalopod was going for, for Ruto had jumped in the opposite direction.

The Bigocto took in a huge sucking breath, sweeping Ruto off her feet with a scream and trapping her in its mouth. With its target secured, the Bigocto turned to make its escape.

"Hey! Get back here!" Scout yelled, running after it.

He quickly noticed a glowing green orb on the Bigocto's back. Knowing he didn't have a second to lose, Scout ran with all his speed after the monster, quickly catching up before it could escape the room. With a yell, he leapt into the air and stabbed his sword deep into the Bigocto's weakpoint.

The monster jerked and shuddered, spitting Ruto out in its death-throes. Scout yanked his sword out and jumped back as the dead Bigocto fell on its back. Sheathing his weapon, Scout walked up to the shivering Zora Princess and offered a hand. "Ya doin' alright there, babycakes?"

Ruto just stared up at the human, her eyes wide as she began to see him in a far different light. "You…you saved me…"

Scout shrugged. "Yeah, kinduva thing I do. Now what's say we get back down there with da rest'a dose clowns?"

Ruto mutely took the offered hand, holding the Sapphire close to her chest as Scout led her over to the center of the platform, blushing fiercely.

XXXXXX

Stricken silence followed after the disappearance of Scout and Ruto, further punctuated by the sounds of a struggle up above them. All too soon it died down, and the room was silent.

"Scout?" Engineer called out worriedly. "Princess?"

Suddenly the platform lowered back down to their level, revealing a sight that sent overwhelming relief through their bodies. Scout, hand in hand with Princess Ruto clutching the Sapphire, and a very large, very dead Bigocto.

"We-hell, Ah'll be damned!" Engie cried. "Didja kill that thing all bah yerself?!"

Scout grinned. "Sure did, hardhat! Wad'nt dat hard, and this poor dame's been struck speechless by my pure awesomeness!"

"We got the Zora's Sapphire," Link said. "Now there's no reason for Ruto to stay here."

Ruto hesitantly nodded, still staring up at Scout.

"Alright, Scout, y'think y'all c'n find yer way back?" Engineer asked. "Then take the li'l lady outta here 'n back to her pa while we finish the job in here."

Scout saluted. "Gotcha! C'mon, toots."

Ruto climbed back onto Scout's shoulders and the two of them left. With that over with, the rest of them piled onto the platform, which took them up to the first floor. Ahead of them was a short hallway, which led into a room with two rectangular red-colored organisms swinging back and forth. "If you stun them with the boomerang, you can walk on them!" Navi advised. "There's another door over there!"

Link promptly stunned both of the creatures, allowing him and the BLUs to leap-frog across them over to the next room. Looking down, they could see that they were over the room where Medic had drugged the jellyfish, which was still lying where the doctor had left it. Sniper then noticed something else.

"Oi, lads, doesn't that platform roight there look loike it'd fit just roight over that chasm below us?"

Link was the first to jump on, and lo and behold, the platform sank into place below, allowing them to reach the final room. The BLUs joined Link shortly after, and they all tromped into the final room. A polyp-switch was hanging from the ceiling, but it was protected by thick spiderwebs. Sniper, however, with his eagle-eyes, noticed something. "Lad, get up there on that ledge, and if you throw it roight you can hit that switch."

Link nodded and climbed up the ledge. Indeed Sniper was right, and once Link's aim hit home, a web-like substance blocking the last door vanished. Once Link returned, Engineer said, "Alright, boys. That there's the last room we haven't checked yet, so Ah'm willin' t'bet all mah hat 'n cattle that the source'a this damn fish's problems is in there. Be ready with that charge, Doc. Sniper, Link, y'all will hit whatever it is from afar, 'n the rest of us 'll just do what we can."

Medic's grin was by far the most terrifying. "I am prepared to do zis next procedure! Just be sure to keep it alive long enough for me to get some samples!"

"Someone's got some really skewed priorities here," Navi murmured in Link's ear, the boy nodding sagely in agreement.

"Come," Heavy rumbled, taking the lead with Medic following behind. "We fight like men."

The first thing they noticed when they entered the last room was how dark it was. The next was that the way behind them had sealed itself off, trapping them inside. The third was the gigantic bio-electric anemone taking up the center of the room. Three appendages attached it to the roof, where it appeared to be drawing sustenance from its unwilling host. In between those three appendages were three more that ended in growths similar in appearance to satellite dishes. But most of all, its bulbous body was drawing in a host of large jellyfish, which were connected to the boss by beams of electricity. The jellyfish fused with the monster, providing armor against attacks. Once the last jellyfish fused to the creature, the room lit up, allowing them to see the boss in full.

"That's a Barinade!" Navi cried. "But…I've never seen one get so large before! It must be Ganondorf's doing! We have to slay those jellyfish before we can attack its main body!"

"First thing's first, lad!" Sniper said, readying his bow. "Cut down those tentacles! That'll cut this buggah off from its food source!"

"You got it!" Link declared as he launched his boomerang at the first tentacle, severing it instantly.

The Barinade immediately reacted, its dish-like appendages flashing as they aimed at Link. "Link, dodge!" Sniper yelled.

Link strafed to the side as a thunderbolt struck the ground where he had been a second before. Jabu-Jabu quivered from the pain. As Link threw his boomerang yet again, Sniper drew the Barinade's attention by shooting an arrow into one of its dishes. The Barinade quivered and hissed as its second tentacle was severed. Demoman began tossing bombs at the Barinade's body, causing some damage to the protective jellyfish and further distracting the monster from Link.

Then the third tentacle was severed, and the Barinade sunk about half-way into the ground as half of its jellyfish guards detached themselves and began spinning around the room while attached to electric beams like some kind of demented organic carousel. However, doing this had left the monster's body open for attack. Sniper shot an arrow at the Barinade, causing it to sink fully into the ground as it was stunned, the jellyfish stopping cold.

"Quick! Kill those jellyfish!" Link cried.

Pyro quickly killed the first one with his axe, the second one was literally pulled apart by Heavy, the third was slaughtered by Demoman's Eyelander, the fourth met its end at the hands of Soldier, and the fifth one was offed by Sniper's kukri.

The Barinade then forced itself out of the ground, hovering on a bed of electricity as its remaining jellyfish spun tightly around it. Link stepped back uncertainly. "Mr. Mundy…"

"Keep movin', lad!" Sniper ordered. "Whatevah ya do, _don't stop movin'_!"

Link and the others all ran randomly around the room, avoiding the Barinade's attacks while Sniper moved to the far back and took aim, his eyes narrowed as he waited for the right moment to let loose. Finally, after several moments, the marksman fired, and his arrow sailed through the minute gap in the Barinade's defenses, lodging itself in the parasitic anemone's body. The Barinade sank once more into the ground, allowing the mercs to pick off the remaining jellyfish with ease.

Deprived of its bodyguards, the Barinade went on the attack, spinning rapidly as it glided randomly around the arena, the spikes protruding from its body preventing anyone from getting too close. Lightning bolts flashed all over the place, several times barely missing one of them. But Link had an idea. He ran straight at the Barinade, and then threw the boomerang as it neared him. The boomerang struck home, stunning the monster.

"Now! Let's get him!" Link cried, drawing his sword.

They all started hacking away at the the beast until it recovered, after which it sank into the ground to protect itself, spraying the area with thousands of volts of electricity. Eventually it began to resume its rampage, this time taking care not to get too close to Link.

But the boys in blue had another trick up their sleeve.

Heavy braced himself as the Barinade went barreling straight at him, and grinned ferally. "CHARGE ME, DOKTOR!"

" _Jawohl_!" Medic proclaimed as he flipped the switch.

Link and Navi looked on, slack-jawed, as Heavy and Medic were enveloped in a shining blue aura, their eyes glowing a menacing yellow. Then, it went beyond incredible; Heavy grabbed onto the Barinade's body, slowing its movement until it stopped cold.

"Tiny baby, you are no match for me!" Heavy sneered before he lifted the monster over his head and threw it on its side.

The Barinade struggled like an over-turned turtle, its lightning dishes flailing about as it tried to right itself. As the Ubercharge petered out, Heavy roared, "Keell ugly monster before it gets back up, babies!"

"Quick! Get it whoile it's down!" Sniper yelled as they all began laying into it with all their weapons, slicing, dicing, hammering, and chopping, while Medic gleefully sliced off a tissue sample in the process.

The Barinae, however, could take a surprising amount of punishment, and eventually recovered before electrifying the ground beneath them. They all collapsed in pain as the Barinade put some distance between them. Medic was the first to recover, training his Medi-Gun on Link.

" _Raus, raus_!" Medic cried. "Stun ze beast vith your boomerang!"

Link sighed in relief as he recovered quickly, in time to see the Barinade coming at them again. The others, however, were down, recovering slowly from the electric surge.

"Only one shot at this!" Link cried, raising his boomerang. "Get behind me, Mr. Medic!"

" _Schnell_! Go get zem!" Medic declared, getting behind Link.

Link threw the boomerang with all his might and struck the Barinade, stunning it once more in time for the _coup de grace_. As Link and Medic rushed up to it, weapons drawn, Medic paused in front of it just long enough to say, "Diagnosis? YOU'RE DEAD!"

Medic laughed insanely as he slashed it again and again with his Übersaw, thoroughly creeping out Link and Navi even as the young hero pitched in with his own attacks. Finally the creature groaned as its hold over Jabu-Jabu broke due to its weakened state, and the deity's antibodies wasted no time in coursing through the mortally-wounded parasite, tumorous growths bulging out from the Barinade until it exploded quite messily, flesh and blood splashing everywhere.

Medic cheerfully adjusted his gloves as he declared, "Anozzer successful procedure!"

Link just stared at the doctor. "…You're scary."

Medic shrugged and set to work healing the other BLUs as Link noticed the familiar warp light awaiting them. Once they were all patched up, Sniper groaned, "Is it dead?"

" _Ja_ ," Medic answered. "It vas qvite interesting to vatch ze patient's antibodies kick in right after ve delivered ze killing blow."

Engineer adjusted his hat. "Well, Ah reckon we best get on our way 'n collect Scout and that stone."

XXXXXX

Once they were all warped outside of Jabu-Jabu's Fountain, they all began to head towards the back entrance to Zora's Domain when suddenly Scout came out, looking rather flustered.

"Ah, there ya are, son!" Engie greeted. "The Princess git back t'her pa okay?"

"Uh, yeah," Scout replied uncertainly, scratching the back of his head.

"And ya got the Spiritual Stone'a Watah?" Sniper asked.

Scout wordlessly held it up, allowing the BLUs to inspect the pretty gem.

"Ooh, now _this_ gem Heavy likes!" the big Russian rumbled.

Pyro clapped his hands gleefully, liking that it matched his team's colors.

"Ya reckon they'll let us keep et?" Demoman asked.

"Now this here is a jewel I can get behind!" Soldier barked. "I hereby submit this to become Builder's League United property! A symbol of our pride and integrity and love of the color blue!"

"How 'bout ya hold off on that 'til we save the world, Solly?" Engineer chastised. The mechanic then noticed Scout's unusual behavior. "What's eatin' atcha, son?"

"D-dat Princess," Scout hesitantly began. "Accordin' ta her, dat Spirit Stone'a yours or whatevuh is a freakin' engagement ring. She's only supposed ta give it to whoevuh's gonna be her husband."

The others sans Link quickly put two and two together. Heavy, Soldier, and Demoman were laughing their asses off, while Sniper, Engie, and Medic chuckled. Pyro and Link looked uncomprehending.

"Oh boy, don't tell me…" Engineer uttered, trying to rein in his laughter.

Scout nodded weakly. "I'm engaged. To a freakin' _fish lady_."

Engineer valiantly failed to suppress a snort of laughter, while Scout went red in the face from all the attention.

"Uh, I'm sorry," Link abruptly spoke up. "What does that mean, being engaged?"

They all looked surprised before remembering where Link came from. "You know what marriage is?" Sniper asked, and Link shook his head. "Well, when a bloke and a shiela love each othah very much, they get married. Oi can't really explain all the logistics of it, but basically it's a thing people do with a lovah."

Link's face went pink at the implication.

"Just wait 'til Spah hears 'bout this," Engineer chuckled.

"Hey, screw you guys!"

XXXXXX

After they said their goodbyes to the Zoras, Link and the BLU Team began to make the long trek back towards Hyrule Castle. Navi flitted over their heads, relieved. "Thank goodness. We got the Spiritual Stones before Ganondorf could. Now we just need to see Princess Zelda and put that monster behind bars!"

"Heavy would like to punch Ganondorf in face before you do so."

"Ah'd be much more tickled ta be able te shove a bomb up his arse."

"Ah reckon the justice system'a this land'll be more than enough to…" Engineer began before he and the others stopped cold at the sight in front of them.

Hyrule Castle was in flames.


	9. Birth Of A Hero

**Figured I kept you all waiting long enough, though I didn't get as many new reviews as I'd hoped. Oh well.**

 **XXXXXX000XXXXXX**

 **Chapter Nine: Birth Of A Hero**

The eight mercenaries, Kokiri, and fairy stared slack-jawed at the flames roaring over Hyrule Castle Town, distantly hearing the sounds of battle and screaming civilians.

"Son of a bitch!" Engineer swore loudly. "We're too late!"

"That maggot started the party without us, but we are _not_ going to let that dampen our spirits, men!" Soldier roared, a fire in his eyes. "I say we charge in there and give that Communist bastard a taste of American freedom! **_WHO'S WITH ME_**?!"

The rest of the BLUs cheered in agreement, equipping their various melee weapons in eager anticipation for the fight ahead.

"We have to find the Princess and make sure she's alright!" Link cried. "If Ganondorf finds her before we do…"

"Alroight, lads, heah's the plan!" Sniper declared. "Engie, you 'n me will organoize evacuation'a all the civvies in town! Link, take Scout 'n Pyro to the castle, rendezvous with Spoi 'n the Princess and get the Shiela outta heah! The rest'a you, unleash your foinest brand'a hell on whatevah cronies Ganondorf brought with him! Everybody got it?"

"Sir, yes, sir!" Soldier saluted.

"Heavy has been waiting for this moment," Heavy rumbled, smacking his fist into his palm.

"I am ready to charge!" Medic declared, fixing his Medi-Gun on Heavy.

Pyro cheered as he held his axe over his head.

"Sweet!" Scout guffawed. "I get ta rescue da princess!"

"Guts and glory, lads!" Demoman whooped, brandishing the Eyelander and his bomb bag.

"Alright, boys!" Engineer cried. "Let's git goin', we ain't got a second t'lose!"

" ** _ATTAAAACK_**!" Soldier screamed, leading the charge as they all ran towards the castle.

They soon found themselves in a scene of chaos. Houses and shops were on fire, civilians were running around everywhere, trying to collect whatever essentials or family members they could before evacuating, and all around them, Hylian soldiers bravely fought against hordes of armored skeletons.

"Alroight, remembah the plan, lads!" Sniper cried out. "Let's go to work!"

"C'mon, Link!" Navi cried, urging Link onwards as he rushed towards the castle, flanked by the quick-moving Scout and the maniacally-laughing Pyro.

Soldier unsheathed his Half-Zatoichi and ran straight towards a pocket of struggling Hylian soldiers and Stalfos. "LET ME SHOW YOU MAGGOTS HOW A _REAL_ SOLDIER FIGHTS!" he bellowed, catching their attention. " ** _GOD BLESS AMERICA_**!"

The first Stalfos raised its rusty sword to block, but the blade shattered on contact with Soldier's superior weapon, cutting the skeleton down to size. A second swung at him, but the deranged mercenary ducked under the blow and, to the astonishment of the Hylians, proceeded to _tear off the Stalfos's head with his bare hands_ , a battle-crazed scream tearing from his lips. He then ripped its helmet off the skull and replaced his current helmet with it, depositing his default helmet in his inventory.

"Your hat is now mine, maggot!" Soldier declared before promptly bashing in another Stalfos's skull with the skull he was still holding.

"Come and get some, laddies!" Demoman boasted as a group of Stalfos closed in on him, weapons raised as they laughed menacingly.

Their laughter was cut deathly short as the first one was abruptly blown apart by a well-placed bomb. And then the black Scottish cyclops was upon them, hammering and chopping with his cursed blade. The first stroke beheaded one Stalfos before it could react, feeding Demoman's strength. The second Stalfos attempted to block his strike, but the Eyelander easily cut through the ancient, rusty sword and bisected the undead monstrosity. Demoman's eye was faintly glowing as he sized up the other Stalfos, noting with disappointment that they, like the other undead he had encountered in the past, no longer possessed the faculties required to feel fear. Oh well, at least that meant they wouldn't try to run when the proverbial shit hit the fan.

"Bring et on, boyos!" Demoman yelled. "Ah faced tougher odds when I was still in diapers!"

The Stalfos obliged him without hesitation, and Demoman showed no mercy.

Meanwhile, a soldier fell against a wall, wounded from a Stalfos blow. He grunted in pain as he saw the skeleton, of which he was sure was his own father due to the familiar mustache and missing tooth, raise its sword for the kill. But the blow never came. Instead, a blue-clad giant of a man appeared from behind and, with one meaty hand, crushed its skull in his mighty grip. As the headless corpse fell aside, now truly dead once more, another, smaller man dressed in blue and white robes much like that of a healer came up and held up a metal device. The blue haze trailing out of it miraculously healed his injury, leaving him good as new.

"T-thank you!" the soldier exclaimed, standing up.

"A doctor's vork is never done!" Medic replied. "Now, off you go! Zere are more to destroy!"

Meanwhile, Link, Navi, Scout, and Pyro left the town behind, rushing up towards the castle. All around them, small pockets of Hylians and Stalfos were still duking it out, and countless bodies of both littered the ground. Never before had Link seen so much… _death_. The acrid smell of smoke, the metallic odor of blood, and the putrid stench of voided bowels made for a sickening combination that made Link's stomach turn. But he forced it all down; he had to find Princess Zelda.

He prayed they wouldn't be too late when he did.

XXXXXX

On the ramparts of the castle, Impa stood protectively in front of Zelda, her Sheikah knife raised as the source of all the chaos advanced on them. "Ganondorf, you villain!" she growled as the Gerudo warlord advanced on them slowly.

"The King is dead," Ganondorf sneered, holding up his arms. "Long live the _new_ King."

Zelda's eyes widened in horror as a flash of lightning illuminated her tear-stained face.

Ganondorf lowered his arms, grinning maliciously. "Once I've gotten my hands on the Triforce, the entire world will be mine to rule. Every man, woman, and child in every continent will pay tribute to _me_. For too long, we Gerudo have been forced to grovel before you prideful Hylians, but now it's time for you to grovel before _us_. A new age has dawned, and with it shall come a new order… _mine_!"

Zelda gritted her teeth. "That won't happen! The Hero of Time will appear to defeat you! I know it!"

Ganondorf looked confused by this for a brief moment, but quickly recovered. "You still believe in that ridiculous superstition? So this is where you have placed your last hope. How pathetic." He raised his fist, dark energy pulsating around it as he took another step forward. "I think it's time I crushed _that_ for you, little prin… ** _GAARGH_**!"

The Dark Lord was then rudely interrupted by a knife sinking into his back as a masked man in blue appeared from behind.

"Apologies," Spy sneered, twisting his knife in further and making Ganondorf scream in pain. "I just had to shut you up!"

However, to Spy's amazement, Ganondorf not only remained standing, but he actually managed to whirl around and smash the assassin's face in with his still magically-charged fist, sending the mercenary sprawling.

"No! Spy!" Zelda screamed, horrified.

Ganondorf growled as he pulled the knife out of his back and threw it at Impa's feet. "Your last protector is _gone_. It's time we ended this!"

But before Ganondorf could make his move, an obnoxiously-loud hissing noise drew his attention. The Dark Lord wheeled around just in time to see Spy return the favor from before with a rock, smashing it repeatedly into Ganondorf's face and sending him reeling. Spy then rushed past him and retrieved his knife. "Get ze Princess out of here, _mon cheri_!" he ordered Impa. "I will give you as much time as I can!"

Impa nodded gratefully. "Thank you."

The Sheikah warrior took the Princess and ran, while Spy turned to face the recovering Ganondorf. A trickle of blood trailed down the Dark Lord's forehead, his eyes ablaze with hatred and disbelief. "You! That should have killed you! How are you still alive?!"

Spy flicked his finished cigarette at Ganondorf as he sneered, silently grateful for his Dead Ringer. "Trade secret, my friend. And by ze way…you _suck_."

And just like that, the assassin vanished into thin air. Ganondorf tensed, magic building all around him as he ignored the agony in his forehead and back. "Where are you, you coward?!" he snarled, looking around.

" _Right behind you_."

Ganondorf whirled around and sent a blast of magic outward, but he apparently missed, for the disembodied voice of Spy continued to taunt him.

" _You missed_."

Ganondorf did not have time to waste on this coward. The Princess was escaping at this very moment. Bellowing in frustration, Ganondorf slammed his fist against the ground, causing a shockwave that not even Spy could avoid. The cloaked assassin was thrown to the ground, groaning as his cloak dropped.

Ganondorf would have killed the man right then and there, but he had no more time to waste. Huffing in annoyance, the Gerudo King rushed off to continue his pursuit of the Princess. Spy managed to hoist himself to his feet and brushed off the dust from his suit.

"Do not think Builder's League United is finished with you just yet, _mon frer_ ," he growled.

Meanwhile, Link and his entourage had just reached the drawbridge of the castle when they suddenly saw a snow-white horse emerge from it, bearing Impa and Zelda on its back.

"Zelda!" Link cried.

"Impa! Stop the horse!" Zelda yelled.

"I can't!" Impa answered. "We'll be killed!"

" _ZELDA_!" Link cried again, trying to catch up with the horse.

With nothing else she could do, Zelda threw something towards Link, which clattered to the ground at his feet. Then they rounded a corner, and the Princess was gone.

"Zelda…" Link whispered.

"Well, how d'ya like dat?" Scout griped, putting his hands on his hips. "Some broad beat us to it!"

"Link!" Navi spoke up. "She threw something at your feet! Is that…?"

Link bent down to pick it up, and recognized it immediately.

"It's the Ocarina of Time!" Navi declared.

"Why did she give this to me…?" Link wondered.

Suddenly the snort of a horse from behind drew their attention, and lightning flashed as they beheld the figure of Ganondorf astride a great black warhorse, his yellow eyes boring directly into Link.

"Boy, hand that over. _Now_."

Link's eyes narrowed as he immediately pocketed the Ocarina and unsheathed his sword. Ganondorf smirked at this. "Foolish boy. You can't possibly beat me. Give me the Ocarina. I won't ask again."

His eyes narrowed as Scout and Pyro put themselves between Link and the Gerudo King, weapons raised. "Listen, Pinocchio," Scout said. "Ya want the kid, you're gonna hafta go through _us_ first."

Ganondorf raised his hand. "So be it."

"Oooh-hoo-hoo, yeah, you're real…" Scout began to taunt.

However, he was cut off by a wave of dark magic that exploded out of Ganondorf's hand, slamming all three of them against the ground painfully. Ganondorf's grin widened as he saw an ocarina slip out of Link's pocket, and pulled it into his hand with his magic.

Link's eyes widened at this, but he was in too much pain to move. _That's…Saria's ocarina_!

Ganondorf smirked as he inspected the ocarina before centering his attention on the three prone forms lying on the ground.

"Pathetic fools. Do you not realize who you are dealing with?! I am Ganondorf, and soon, I shall rule the world!"

"L-like hell ya will, asshole," Scout weakly groaned.

Without another word, Ganondorf cropped his horse and raced off.

As the Dark Lord galloped through the town, he realized in shock that there were even more blue-clad individuals in the area, and they were utterly dominating the hordes of Stalfos he had raised from the city graveyard. No matter; the city was lost either way. All he had to do now was track down the Princess. So focused on this was he that he failed to notice that Sniper had seen him and had quickly fired his bow. Sniper had been aiming for a headshot, but instead the arrow grazed Ganondorf's cheek, slicing a deep cut into his face. Reeling more from surprise than pain, Ganondorf swung his head around in time to see a tall, wiry man wearing a brown hat and those damned blue clothes wave cheekily at him, too far off for Ganondorf to get at him.

In that moment, Ganondorf silently swore revenge against Builder's League United. And then he was gone.

Soon after, Link came running into the marketplace alongside Navi, Scout, and Pyro, all of whom looked pretty singed. Sniper and Engineer, having finished evacuating all the townspeople down into the secret tunnels that led to Kakariko Village, ran up to meet them.

"What happened?" Sniper demanded.

"Did the Princess make it out alright?" Link demanded in turn.

"Yup," Engineer answered. "Saw her 'n Impa gettin' the hell outta Dodge a little while ago. You alright there, son?"

Link nodded. "I'm fine. I got the Ocarina of Time. I need to go to the Temple of Time and get the Triforce. You guys should keep defending the town. At this rate, you might actually be able to defeat them!"

"Indeed," a familiar voice interjected.

"Spy!" they all chorused as their comrade appeared before them, looking a little beaten up himself.

"Ganondorf was a lot more resilient zan I anticipated," Spy said bitterly. "A backstab and several blows to the head with a rock were not enough to kill him, it seems. You had better get going, boy. I do not think it will be long before Ganondorf realizes he stole ze wrong ocarina."

Link nodded and turned to go, only to be stopped by a firm hand on his shoulder. He turned to see Sniper giving him a fatherly look of worry. "Link…you be safe now, alroight? We're all countin' on ya."

Link responded by hugging the Australian merc, who returned the gesture much less awkwardly than last time. "Now get goin', lad."

The BLU Team watched as Link ran off towards the Temple of Time. As soon as he disappeared, Sniper turned to the others and said, "What're you all standin' theah for? We got a battle to win heah!"

XXXXXX

Despite all the chaos of battle, the Temple of Time remained untouched, like a beacon against the darkness and destruction. Link wasted no time in running up the steps and entering the main hall. At the far end of the cavernous room was a pedestal with three holes in it, and behind it was a great stone door. Link rushed up to the pedestal and inspected it.

"I bet if you put the Spiritual Stones in those slots, something will happen!" Navi advised.

Nodding, Link took out the three jewels and first placed the Emerald, then the Ruby, and finally the Sapphire in the slots. Suddenly, Link's vision went blindingly white.

"What the?!" Link cried.

 _Link_ …

Link blinked in surprise. "Huh?"

 _Link, can you hear me_ …?

"Princess?" Link asked uncertainly.

 _Yes, Link…I'm talking to you telepathically…You have placed the three stones…Now, to open the door, you must use the Ocarina of Time…play the song I am about to teach you, and it shall open the way_ …

Link quickly brought out the Ocarina of Time as a strange tune echoed throughout the air. Link played along until the Ocarina of Time began to sparkle.

 _This is the Song of Time, the Royal Family's most carefully-guarded secret…now, open the Door of Time, and use what lies within to defeat Ganondorf_!

With that, Link was brought back into reality in time to see Navi hovering in front of his face worriedly. "Link, what happened?" she demanded. "You just spaced out there!"

Link shook his head as he readied the Ocarina. "Sorry about that, Navi…but I know what I need to do now."

With that, he played the Song of Time, its notes echoing throughout the Temple. And then, the Door of Time slowly opened, revealing another chamber within. Navi gasped as she caught sight of a sword jutting out from a pedestal with the mark of the Triforce and flew over to it.

"Link, look! It's that legendary blade…the Master Sword!"

Link strode up to the Master Sword and inspected it. It had a wide, four-foot-long blade, with a blue handle and a hilt like a pair of wings. Link placed his small hands around the handle as he whispered, "With this…will I be able to defeat Ganondorf…?"

With a rough yank, Link pulled the Master Sword free, and immediately a bright blue light consumed his vision.

And then he heard the laughter of a familiar voice.

"What…?" Link exclaimed.

He could see the triumphant smirk of Ganondorf in the corner of his eyes. "I owe you my thanks, kid!" Ganondorf guffawed. "Without you, I would have never been able to enter the Sacred Realm! I knew you and the Princess were plotting against me to get the Stones first, but I _let_ you accomplish this, because I knew that even if I got past everything else, I would still hit a roadblock with that useless sword! The Triforce is mine, and I owe it all to you, boy! **_HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA_**!"

Link held a hand out as Ganondorf faded away. "W-wait! _No_ …!"

And then he lost consciousness.

XXXXXX

 _Link_ …

Link slowly began to stir.

 _Link, chosen Hero…awaken_ …!

"Uuungh…?"

Slowly Link returned to consciousness, finding that he was standing in some kind of chamber. Water pooled at his feet and cascaded down the distant walls and off the edge of the platform he stood upon. Surrounding him were six multi-colored pedestals, upon the yellow one which, Link finally realized, stood an old man in ornate orange robes, staring at him with serious but kind eyes.

"Where am I…?" Link asked before realizing his voice sounded…deeper.

He looked down at himself to see that he had, in simple terms, grown up. He was taller and older-looking, and the knowledge of this made his head spin.

"Look, Link!" Navi cried, flitting over his head. "You've grown up!"

Looking himself over frantically, Link stammered, "I don't…how is this possible?! Kokiri don't…"

"And therein lies the first truth to which your eyes have been opened," the old man spoke up in a strangely-ethereal voice. "I am Rauru, the Sage of Light, guardian of this Chamber of the Sages in which you were brought."

"W-what…what _happened_ to me?" Link uttered, thoroughly confused and scared.

"When you entered the Temple of Time and pulled the Master Sword from its pedestal, you passed the final test the Goddesses set out for you," Rauru explained cryptically. "Only he who is destined to become the Hero of Time could have removed that blade from the Pedestal of Time. But you were too young to wield the Master Sword's power, so the Goddesses brought you here and put you to sleep for seven long years, until you were ready to take up your destiny."

"Seven… _years_ …?!" Link gaped.

Rauru nodded. "In that time, Ganondorf entered the Sacred Realm of the Heavens and seized the Triforce for himself. However, the Triforce, sensing his evil heart, split apart in order to protect itself, leaving him with only one piece to call his own while the two others sought out worthy bearers. In time, you will learn who those bearers are, but for now, you must focus on the task at hand. You are probably also wondering why you grew up despite being a Kokiri. In truth, Link, you are not a Kokiri at all."

Link's eyes widened. "I'm…not?"

"Royal Hylian blood flows through your veins, just like Princess Zelda," Rauru explained. "When you were a wee baby, the Hylian War of Unification raged on. Your father, Lord William Marcus Taburi, was a knight in service to the Hylian King. However, he died in battle when the secessionists laid siege to your family's castle. Your mother, though badly wounded, whisked you away from the battle and brought you to the Kokiri Forest. The Great Deku Tree, sensing your destiny, agreed to look after you once your mother passed on. Though you were not Kokiri, you were still very much like a son to him. Through the owl you know as Kaepora Gaebora, I communed with Kasuto about you regularly, watching you grow stronger and braver with each passing day."

Link was silent, allowing Rauru's words to sink in. "I'm a…Hylian," he muttered out loud, and admitting this startling truth out loud was strange, yet it also seemed _right_.

"So now that you know your true identity," Rauru continued, "do you understand your destiny?"

Link slowly raised the Master Sword and examined it. Now it was perfectly-suited for his size. "Yes," he slowly said. "I think so." He straightened and sheathed the Blade of Evil's Bane into the scabbard on his back. "Now I can fight Ganondorf fairly. This time, I _will_ defeat him. This time, I _will_ protect Zelda."

"To truly face Ganondorf, you must first awaken my fellow Sages, trapped in their respective Temples by Ganondorf's minions and sorcery. They will be instrumental in your quest…as will a number of… _old friends_ , shall we say."

Link's eyes widened. "After seven years, they're still alive?"

Rauru nodded. "When you return to the Temple of Time, you will meet an important ally in your journey who will tell you where you need to go. Trust in his advice, and you will emerge victorious. But before you go, I want you to have this. This Medallion of Light is a physical manifestation of the power of the Sage of Light, adding my strength to yours."

At this, a bright, metallic-yellow medallion descended from the sky into Link's open palm.

Link nodded gratefully as he took it. "Thank you."

Rauru smiled. "I know you will succeed, Link. Now that you have awakened your true power, Ganondorf's wicked rule over Hyrule will not last for much longer."

Suddenly Link's vision was consumed by light, and the fading voice of Rauru declared, " _Good luck, Hero of Time_ …"

And then Link found himself back in the Temple of Time. Link sucked in a deep breath before he said, "Let's go, Navi."

He began to walk towards the exit when, inexplicably, he felt a presence behind him, and he stopped. A second later, the Master Sword was out and ready for action as he wheeled around. Standing there in front of the Pedestal of Time was a young man in what appeared to be Sheikah clothing. His face was concealed by a turban, allowing Link able to see only his piercing red eyes and a fringe of blond hair.

"I've been waiting for you, Hero of Time," the man began, his arms folded. "Your true journey is about to begin at last."

"Who are you?" Link asked warily.

"I am Sheik, a survivor of the Sheikah tribe. I have prepared for this day for seven long years. Ganondorf has the Triforce of Power, and with it, he has become a Dark Lord, ravaging Hyrule with his legions of monsters in his bid for conquest. Evil reigns supreme, and yet in many places its hand has been denied."

Realizing that Sheik was trustworthy, Link lowered the Master Sword. "I have to find the Sages."

"Indeed," Sheik agreed, reminding Link ironically of another roguish acquaintance. "One inside a deep forest…one in the heart of a mountain…one in a deep, vast lake…one in the house of the dead…and one in a sprawling desert. These five Sages must be reawakened, and their Temples cleansed of Ganondorf's taint, if the way to the Dark Lord is to be made reachable."

"You said that evil's hand has been denied in many places," Link spoke up. "What did you mean by that?"

"Seven years ago, when Hyrule Castle was sacked, and Ganondorf rose to power, nine individuals in blue accompanied you and defended the city. Because of their interference, a significant amount of Hyrule's Royal Army was able to evacuate the city, and together they have formed a rather active resistance movement against Ganondorf's rule. While the Royal Army operates mostly out of Kakariko Village, the Teufort Nine, as your old friends have come to be known as around these parts, seem to primarily base their operations in Lon Lon Ranch. Together, they have prevented the worst of Ganondorf's influence from reaching innocent people, and have disrupted many of his activities. Go first to Lon Lon Ranch. I'm certain they'll be more than happy to see you again. Afterwards, I advise you to start your journey in the Lost Woods. Find the Forest Temple, and awaken the Sage there. She will add her power to yours, just as Sage Rauru has."

Link smiled and nodded. "Thank you for your help."

Sheik took a step back. "I have helped you all that I can for now. Until next time, Hero."

Before Link could react, Sheik threw down a Deku Nut, blinding him. When his vision cleared, the Sheikah youth was gone.

Link took a moment to process Sheik's words, and shook his head wistfully. _Heh…you guys never give up, do you? Don't worry, I'm coming back_.

And with that, Link set off, Navi flying overhead.


	10. Reunion

**Since I haven't gotten any new reviews in a while, I decided it was time to upload this. Hopefully more people will notice now.**

 **XXXXXX000XXXXXX**

 **Chapter Ten: Reunion**

Hyrule Castle Town was in ruins.

Nothing remained of that once-prosperous town save for a handful of burned-out houses. Everything else was reduced to ashes and splintered wood. The sky above was perpetually dark and cloudy, an omnipresent atmosphere of evil. Link frowned sadly as he recognized several of the buildings, the inn, the shooting range…memories rushed through his mind at the sight of the dilapidated structures, memories of a happier time when his adventure had only just begun.

"Link…" Navi murmured, gesturing behind him. "Link, look! The castle…"

Link turned around towards where he knew Hyrule Castle to be.

But Hyrule Castle was _gone_.

In its place was a different castle, this one carved of black granite as opposed to the white marble of Hyrule Castle. A large round tower rose from the middle, reaching up into the sky. The walls were ringed with sharp spikes, and worst of all, the castle itself was situated on a floating platform suspended over a massive pit of lava. Link's eyes hardened at the sight of this.

 _Watch out, Ganondorf_ , he silently vowed. _Soon enough, I'll be coming to get you. You will pay for everything you've done_!

Without further ado, Link turned his back on Ganon's Castle, and made his way out of the ruined city.

XXXXXX

Unbeknownst to Link, however, he was being watched.

High up in his tower, Ganondorf looked out the window and observed the green-clad boy leave his realm.

"He has the Master Sword," Ganondorf mused, his arms folded. "Perhaps there is truth to that old legend after all."

On either side of the Dark Lord, two ancient, identical twin Gerudo witches flanked him, cackling ominously.

"You should kill him while you have the chance," the witch with the red color scheme advised.

"Yes, before he becomes strong enough to challenge you!" the blue witch added.

Ganondorf narrowed his eyes as he continued to watch the boy. "No. Now that her so-called _Hero_ has arisen, it is only a matter of time before the Princess reveals herself again. In the meantime, I will…keep an eye on him."

"But, Great One!" the red sorceress exclaimed. "What if he encounters the Resistance?"

"I have tolerated their impudence long enough," Ganondorf answered darkly. "In the past few weeks I have tirelessly bolstered my armies in preparation. Now it is time to strike." He turned with a flourish of his wine-red cape and affixed the witches with his venomous gaze. "If the _Hero_ is struck down in the crossfire, so be it. It will have removed two major threats to my rule. The Princess would have no way to oppose me, and will perhaps wither away in secret and die as a lame beggar in a forgotten alley. Mother Koume…" The red witch straightened eagerly at this. "You will lead the assault on Lon Lon Ranch. Wipe out the so-called ' _Teufort Nine_ ', once and for all." The Dark Lord unconsciously traced his finger over a long, thin scar that ran down the length of his cheek from his ear to his nose, left there by that brazen bowman seven years ago. He even briefly imagined a ghostly twinge in his back from that masked assassin, despite the witches having healed it years ago. "Mother Kotake…" The blue witch stood at attention. "You will oversee the pacification of Kakariko Village. Dispose of those Hylian traitors, as they should have been seven years ago. We march at first light tomorrow."

"It will be done, My Lord," the Twinrova Sisters chorused, bowing before they each disappeared in a burst of fire and ice magic, respectively.

Ganondorf turned to look out the window once more, pondering the future of his reign.

XXXXXX

Link spent most of the day walking across the windswept plains of Hyrule Field towards Lon Lon Ranch, a sad, pensive look on his face. Abruptly he stopped, staring off into the distance as Navi startled.

"What's the matter, Link?" Navi asked worriedly.

Link slowly ran a hand over his forehead as he sighed. "It's just…everything is different. Even the air smells different now. There's just this constant feeling that…everything is… _off_ , somehow, even when it looks normal. Has it really been seven years? That's…that's almost half my life I'm missing."

Navi, for once, didn't know what to say.

"And the BLU Team," Link continued. "They probably think I'm dead. I just…I can't imagine how Mr. Mundy must feel about that. Ever since the Great Deku Tree died, he's been the closest thing I've had to a father. And the others…they were nice, even if they were all crazy at the same time."

"Link, I can't say I know what you're going through," Navi slowly said, perching on his shoulder. "We fairies live a lot longer than Hylians. Seven years would be a blink of an eye for us. But…you _are_ alive. You couldn't help being put to sleep for seven years. When we see them again, everything will be alright. Just you wait and see."

Link smiled. "Thanks, Navi."

And so they continued onwards, and just as the sun was reaching the horizon, the blue sky giving way to red and gold, they spotted the familiar silhouette of Lon Lon Ranch. Yet Link could see that several things about it had changed. The perimeter was lined with wooden palisades, behind which were several strange blue-painted machines with rectangular heads that swiveled left and right, beeping every few moments as if watching for intruders.

"What are those?" Navi whispered as they warily approached the ranch.

"No idea," Link whispered back. "But they look dangerous. Be careful; we don't want to set them off."

Suddenly Navi gasped. "Link, wait! Stop!"

Link paused as he realized that a glowing blue dot was squared right between his eyes, and then he heard a familiar voice cry, "Stop roight theah! Not anothah step or Oi'll plant one roight between your ois!"

Link slowly held his hands up, looking around for a familiar brown hat. "Mr. Mundy?"

Suddenly he spotted the man in question making his way past the palisades, a strange-looking metal weapon with a long barrel in his grip. "Who're you, and wot business do ya have at the ranch?"

"Mr. Mundy, it's me! Link!" the newly-anointed Hero of Time declared eagerly.

His face fell when he saw the hard look in Sniper's eyes before he found himself staring into the barrel of his sniper rifle.

"Link is _dead_ , boy," the Aussie growled angrily, cocking his gun ominously. "How _dare_ ya troi and pull a fast one ovah us. So, did Ganondorf woise up 'n start sendin' in human spoies now?"

"Mr. Mundy, it's us!" Navi exclaimed. "It's really us!"

Sniper looked surprised by Navi's presence, but quickly refocused his deadly gaze on Link. It was a look that chillingly reminded him that, despite Sniper's kindness from before, he was a trained killer.

"Prove it," Sniper growled. "Tell me somethin' only Link would know."

Link wracked his brain for a moment before the perfect memory presented itself, and a wistful smile graced his lips as he replied, "In the Kokiri Forest, Mido tried to stop us from seeing the Great Deku Tree. In response, you threw a bottle of your own pee at him. It was the funniest thing I had ever seen."

Sniper was silent for a long moment before he slowly lowered his weapon, his eyes wide behind his omnipresent sunglasses. "…It's really you, isn't it, lad…?"

Link smiled. "It's been a long time, Mr. Mundy."

At this, Sniper broke out in exhilarated laughter as he wrapped Link up in a one-armed hug. "HAHAHA, it _is_ you, kid!" He turned his head towards the ranch. "Boys, come quick! It really _is_ him! Link's back!"

And just like that, the rest of the BLU Team emerged from the ranch, laughing in joy as they all either hugged Link or shook his hand eagerly.

"Yuir a sight fer sore eyes, lad!" Demoman guffawed.

"Well Ah'll be a monkey's uncle!" Engineer cried, who Link noticed was wearing a white cowboy hat instead of the yellow hardhat he was used to seeing. "Yer alright!"

"Leettle baby man is all grown up!" Heavy rumbled.

Pyro's words were, unsurprisingly, unintelligible. But he at least hugged Link and laughed happily.

"It's good to see zat you made it out safely after all, _monsieur_ ," Spy commended, always dapper and composed as he shook Link's hand.

"It's about time you returned to us, _Herr_ Link!" Medic declared. "I've been eagerly avaiting ze day I can finally perform ze Über Operation on you!"

"Oh that's nice," Link uttered in a way that showed he didn't think that was nice at all.

"Damn, son, look atcha!" Scout remarked arrogantly. "You're almost as handsome as I am!"

Soldier was the only one not to give in to the happy atmosphere, his arms folded as he barked, "Alright, reunion's over!" He pointed sternly at Link. "You, maggot, have a lot of explaining to do for your going AWOL! Seven years is **_INEXCUSABLE_**!"

The laughter and smiles died down as they waited for an explanation. Link sighed. "It's…kind of a confusing story. But, long story short, when I entered the Temple of Time and opened the door, I pulled this out." He unsheathed the Master Sword, allowing the BLUs to inspect it, who were pleased by the color of the legendary weapon's handle. "The Master Sword, the weapon with which I can defeat Ganondorf. But I was too young to use its power. So I was put into a deep sleep for seven years until I was old enough to wield it."

" _YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU SPENT THE LAST SEVEN YEARS_ _ **SLEEPING**_ _, MAGGOT_?!" Soldier howled, looking about ready to strangle the poor kid. " _THAT KIND OF INSUBORDINATION WARRANTS_ _ **TWENTY LASHES MINIMUM**_!"

"I-it's not like I had any choice!" Link cried, holding up his hands to defend himself. "It happened on its own the second I pulled it out!"

Their eyes all widened as Soldier drew out what the BLU Team knew was his Disciplinary Action, and immediately moved to intercept the deranged mercenary.

"Ach! For God's sake, Jane, let the lad be!" Demoman cried.

"Jesus, Solly, what the heck is yer problem?!" Scout exclaimed.

" _NO_! _THIS MAGGOT NEEDS TO LEARN WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU_ _ **ABANDON YOUR TEAMMATES**_!"

Link's face, once contorted in worry and fear, now fell into a guilty sadness as Soldier's words sank in. "Look, everybody. I'm sorry about what happened. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I didn't know that Ganondorf would follow me into the Temple and get the Triforce. I didn't know that I would be put into a forced seven-year-long sleep. I'm missing seven years of my own life, and for all intents and purposes, I did abandon you guys. And because of that, Ganondorf is now in control of Hyrule and you all thought I had either been killed or ran like a coward."

Then, to their collective shock, Link undid his belt, pulled his tunic over his head, exposing his bare, lightly-muscled chest, and turned around, bracing his hands against a palisade. "Link, you _can't_ …!" Navi whimpered, horrified.

"If it makes you feel any better, you can carry out my sentence," Link offered sadly. "All of this is my fault, and I failed all of Hyrule in trying to help it. Just…get it over with quickly."

All of the BLU mercenaries were shocked into silence, while Soldier stared at Link's unguarded back, examining the smooth, white skin while idly fingering his riding crop, deep in thought. Engineer leaned towards Link, deep worry in his expression despite his eyes being hidden by those omnipresent goggles. "Son, ya don't hafta do this," he whispered. "Solly just misses ya as much as the rest'a us did, but the damn fool don't even know how t'show it."

Link slowly shook his head. "I think…I think I need this as much as he does. Maybe the pain will convince me that all of this is truly real."

That didn't assuage Engineer's concern in any way.

"Lad, what happened wasn't your fault!" Sniper hissed. "Just put your bloody shirt on 'n let us deal with Solly!"

Link just shook his head. "I'm ready when you are, Mr. Doe," he called out in resignation.

" _Sergeant_ Doe, maggot!" Soldier snapped, though his voice had admittedly decreased dramatically in volume. Smacking his Disciplinary Action in his palm, he continued, "Because you owned up to your mistakes and came back, maggot, your sentence will be reduced instead to _ten_ lashes! Brace yourself, Cadet!"

The other BLUs silently watched with clenched jaws and resigned expressions as Soldier strode up to Link, Navi flitting over the boy's head frantically, wishing she could somehow stop this. As Soldier raised his riding crop for the first blow, Navi closed her eyes.

Link tensed.

And then it fell with a loud _CRACK_.

Link clenched his teeth as he felt the sharp, painful sting in his back, fighting back a scream.

"One!"

Then came the second lash, and Link jerked his head up sharply at the pain, squeezing his eyes shut as he bit back another cry.

"Two!"

The third lash fell, then the fourth. By now, it felt like Link's back was on fire, the stinging sensation crawling into his neck, his arms, and his legs. But Link held on. A part of him felt almost… _liberated_ by this pain, because now he could finally feel a taste of all the suffering everyone he had known had gone through in his absence, the suffering he had unfairly avoided out of destiny.

 _CRACK_! "Five!"

Navi burst into tears. Sniper gripped his arms tightly. Engineer shook his head grimly.

 _CRACK_! "Six!"

The agony spiked in intensity as Link felt the skin break, and the tiny stream of blood that slowly began to trickle down his back. Link let out a strangled gasp for air after having held it in for so long trying to brace himself against the pain.

Seven, eight, nine. Despite it all, Link refused to scream or cry. His knees refused to buckle. He refused to give in. He needed this pain, and he let it remind him of what he needed to fight for, the wrongs he needed to right.

The people he needed to avenge.

Then came the last strike. "Ten!"

Link let out the breath he had been holding as he slumped a little, glad it was over but allowing his mind to dwell on the pain a little. Navi wasted no time in fretting over him.

"Link! What were you thinking?!"

"I'm sorry, Navi," Link wearily smiled.

" _Sorry_?! You're _bleeding_ , Link! You _let him do this to you_!"

"Vorry not, _Fraulein_ ," Medic announced, stepping forward with his Medi-Gun at the ready. "I vill heal him!"

Link, however, abruptly straightened and turned around. "No," he replied evenly. "Leave it."

Medic quirked an eyebrow. "Vhatever for?"

"This pain will serve to remind me of everything I need to do, and why I need to do it," was the Hero's answer.

Medic, however, was having none of that.

Rolling his eyes, the German doctor smacked Link upside the head. "Ow!" Link yelped, rubbing the back of his head and ruffling his blond hair. "What was that for?!"

"Zat philosophy of martyrdom is pure _sheisse_ , _Herr_ Link," he snapped. "Now shut up _und_ hold shtill."

As Medic healed up Link, Navi did everything in her power not to check Link out, and failed miserably. She had never imagined that Link would grow up to be so… _handsome_. Although he was not musclebound like Heavy or Soldier, he did have some meat on his bones unlike, say, Scout. There was some firmness in his pectorals, and his chest was devoid of any hair, allowing her to see the beginnings of a six-pack running down the length of his abdomen to his navel. All in all, Link was starting to develop an attractive figure. Navi, however, had no delusions about her chances. He was a Hylian, and she was a lesser forest fairy. If they saw this journey through to the end, she knew she would not be able to stay with him. Fulfilling a quest like this would make her worthy of becoming a Great Fairy. But romance between a human and a fairy was highly impractical, and had only happened once in the history of Hyrule, between an adventurer and the Great Fairy Lilina. They had deeply loved one another, but Lilina had been helpless to watch her lover grow old and die, and legends told she withered away not long after, her light dimmed by her aching heart.

Movement in front of her drew her out of her reverie as Link bent down and picked up his tunic, slipping it back on before clipping his belt.

"Now zat zis unhappy ordeal is over," Medic chirped far too cheerfully, "I feel it's time for a celebration!"

"Darn tootin'!" Engineer agreed. "C'mon, son! Malon'll sure be happy t'see ya too, Ah reckon!"

Link brightened at this. "Malon's still here?"

"Of course, lad!" Sniper answered jovially, clapping Link on the shoulder. "Just, uh…don't let her know what went down just now, roight?"

Link nodded mutely as he and the others trudged up into the main part of the ranch. He cast a glance at Soldier, who stared back as if expecting Link to say something.

"Thank you," Link murmured.

Soldier did not seem surprised at all that Link was thanking him for punishing him. "Pain is weakness leaving the body," he replied gruffly, clapping a hand on Link's shoulder. "Remember that well, son."

Link managed a light smile. Perhaps Soldier was a little wiser than he let on.

Once they were inside the ranch, Link allowed himself a moment to take in his surroundings. He recognized the stables, the ranch house, the silo, and the racetrack, but it was obvious that the BLUs had significantly built up around the area. Three new buildings made from some kind of refined metal were arranged around the perimeter, as well as a greenhouse with numerous plants inside. One near the silo had a strange metal block nearby constantly humming, with black wires leading into the building. Over the doorway was a description both in Hylian and an unfamiliar script that Link assumed was the mercenaries' native language.

 ** _LAB AND RESEARCH CENTER_**

 _No admittance without prior authorization from Ludwig Humboldt (Medic) and/or Dell Conagher (Engineer)!_

On the other side of the large palisade at the far end of the track was another building, though it was somewhat smaller, and the sign over its door read:

 ** _BUILDER'S LEAGUE UNITED_**

 _Main HQ/Emergency Bunker_

The third building, constructed adjacent to the ranch house, looked somewhat more welcoming, and the sign over it read:

 ** _BARRACKS/ARMORY_**

 _Non-personnel must request permission to use any firearms stored within._

Inside the grazing area, at the far back where the shade for the horses was, a station of some sort was situated, with big red letters over it in the mercs' native language. Various weapons parts were arranged inside. There were also what appeared to be training dummies with targets painted onto them off to the side, allowing the grazing area to double as a shooting range.

Link was amazed by all this. "Wow…you guys have been busy," he breathed.

Engineer chuckled. "Bit of a funny story behind that, actually."

The Texan mechanic then took off his hat and held it against his chest as he knocked on the door of Talon and Malon's house. A moment later, the door opened, revealing a young woman with familiar red hair.

"Oh! Uncle Dell!" Malon exclaimed. "You know there's no need to knock!"

Engineer chuckled warmly. "Just fig'red y'all would like t'see an old friend'a ours."

He stepped aside, allowing her to notice Link. Her eyes immediately widened at the sight of him. "Is…is that…?"

Link blushed; Malon had grown up to be a very pretty girl. "Hey, Malon. Long time, no see."

Malon's face then broke out into a huge grin as she wrapped Link up in a fierce hug. "Oh, Link! It _is_ you!"

Link gasped for air; Malon must have been taking hugging lessons from Heavy. Eventually Malon let go and looked Link over. "Where have you been?" she demanded. "When we heard that Hyrule Castle fell, and that you had disappeared, we all feared the worst! What happened?!"

"Perhaps that's a discussion we c'n save till dinner," Engineer replied. "Now that Link's come back home, Ah reckon that's cause fer celebration. Been a little while since we had ourselves a mighty fine hoedown, 'n Ah reckon havin' some fun would be a nice way'a thumbin' our collective noses at Ganondorf's ' _New Order_ '."

Malon smiled. "I'll go wake up Daddy then and get him started."

"Do not bother," Heavy rumbled. "We will handle dinner tonight. Is best way to welcome back leettle fairy hero."

Malon laughed. "Just don't make too much of a mess in the kitchen, alright, boys?"

"We will clean up any mess my colleagues make, Malon," Spy assured her.

Sniper looked up at the sun as it started sinking below the horizon. "Moight wanna get started roight about now, then. It's almost noightfall."

"Alrighty then," Engineer declared, rubbing his gloved hands. "Ah'll go grab a couple'a ham shanks outta the lab fridge 'n get 'em cookin'. Pyro, fire up the grills 'n smoke us some ribs. Misha, get workin' on makin' some'a your sandwiches. Jean, make us some'a yer frilly French pastries for dessert. Tavish, get some bottles'a wine 'n cider out 'n ready t'go, but nothin' too strong, y'hear? Jeremy, go into the greenhouse 'n get us some fruits 'n veggies. Lawrence, help Jeremy cut 'em all up. Ludwig, Ah want ya t'sterilize the table, dishes, 'n silverware, make sure they're clean. Jane, you'll set the table once Ludwig's done with that. Now go to it, boys, Ah want this hootenanny up 'n runnin' in two hours!"

"And what should I do?" Link asked, wanting to help out.

"Go on in 'n catch up with Malon here," Engineer replied. "Ya know what they say, after all; too many cooks'll spoil the soup."

"What in the world does that mean?" Navi asked, confused.

"Means too many people tryin' t'help'll just trip over each other 'n nuthin'll git done," Engineer explained. "Now, off ya go, kids. We'll call ya when everything's ready."

XXXXXX

For the next few hours, Link and Malon sat up in the bedroom she shared with her father, who had since woken up and gone downstairs to help Ingo bring the horses in before dinnertime and make sure the Cuccos were roosting, and caught up on the seven years they had spent apart.

"…so, ever since they came and moved in full-time, things have changed so much for the better, I think," Malon went on as Link stretched his legs from where he sat beside her on her bed. "They're hard workers, and they sure whipped Daddy into shape right quick! Ingo loved them for it. And since he doesn't have to do all the hard work around here by himself anymore, he's actually become a lot nicer, if you can believe it!"

"I only met him once," Link replied, shaking his head. "And certainly not long enough to really judge his behavior. And back then, he was already going on about how great having Engineer around was."

Malon laughed. "Yeah, he complained a lot, especially when Dad was being _really_ lazy." Scrunching up her face cutely and hunching her shoulders, she began to do a rather hilarious imitation of the grumpy ranch hand. "Rrr, you woke Talon up just in time for his nap, rrr! I'm the only one who does anything around here, maybe we should call this place _Ingo_ Ranch instead!"

Link snorted laughter, while Navi just shook her head from where she was perched on Malon's small vanity cabinet.

"Even so, he was good to the horses and cows," Malon continued. "Even when he got _really_ mad at Daddy, he would still be nothing but kind to them."

Malon sighed in contentment, leaning back and closing her eyes for a moment as they listened to the BLU Team bustling about downstairs, laughing and carousing as they set up Link's welcoming feast. Then Malon opened her eyes again and straightened up. "So what about you? What've you been doing all these years?"

Link was silent for a while before he slowly replied, "Sleeping."

Malon just stared at him, waiting for him to elaborate. When he didn't, she flatly repeated, "Sleeping?"

"Sleeping," Link reiterated.

She shook her head in mild disbelief. "There has _got_ to be more to it than that, Link."

Link shrugged. "I don't know if you'd believe me if I told you."

Malon quirked an eyebrow. "After what _I've_ seen over the last seven years, I'm willing to believe _anything_."

Link raised an eyebrow of his own. "And what have _you_ seen?"

Malon grinned weakly. "I see they haven't told you about the wizard yet."

"Uh, what wizard?" Link asked.

"Did you notice those fancy buildings and weapons sitting all over our land?" Malon asked. "Haven't you been wondering what they are and how they got there?"

Link scratched his head. "A little…"

"I can't tell you much about it, because what I saw was so darn confusing I still can't make heads or tails of it six years later," Malon replied, shaking her head. "But the boys can probably tell you over dinner, because this wizard? They apparently knew him."

Link did not have long to ponder this information, for he suddenly heard the telltale _THUMP-THUMP_ of someone coming up the stairs. The visitor knocked on the door before opening it a tad, revealing themselves to be Engineer.

"Soup's on, boys 'n girls! Come on down!"

Link, Navi, and Malon followed Engineer down into the bottom floor, where a large wooden table had been set up. Heavy, Sniper, and Spy (who was quite humorously wearing a silly-looking chef's hat) busied themselves with setting the main dishes on the table. Demoman was pouring drinks (and saving the hardest liquor for himself) while the others stood back and chatted. Talon and Ingo were among them, and all of them looked up as they saw the teenagers and fairy join them.

Link's eyes were on the banquet table, and the sight and smells were making his mouth water like never before. He wondered in the back of his mind if they had bothered to feed him in the Sacred Realm, because right now he was _starving_. One large plate was piled high with sliced honey ham right off the bone and decorated with pineapple circles. Another was laden with dozens of large beef ribs, barbecued in some kind of sweet and tangy-smelling dark sauce. Twenty of Heavy's world-famous Sandviches were neatly arranged on another plate. One plate had a bunch of flaky-looking pastries filled with white cream stacked on it. There was also a bowl full of cooked multicolored peas, and Link wondered whether those were Magic Beans. There was also a bowl of mashed potatoes topped with a brown gravy. All in all, it was a feast like nothing the Hyrule natives had seen before. Tonight, in the humble ranch of Lon Lon, peasants would eat like kings.

They all chose seats, but when the Hylians noticed that the BLUs hadn't sat down, they halted, parroting them as the mercenaries picked up their mugs.

"Ladies 'n gentlemen," Engineer declared, raising his mug. "Ah propose a toast. To Ganondorf!" There was a split-second of shocked silence before the Texan finished, "May he suck an egg 'n choke on his own spit!"

That got a chorus of "here, here"s and boisterous laughter from the gathered revelers. Then Sniper spoke up. "Alroight, now toime for the _real_ toast!" he said, raising his mug up and gesturing towards Link, smiling warmly. "To the man'a the houah. Welcome home, Link."

All of them cheered and took swigs of varying size from their mugs while Link blushed at the attention, overcome with emotion.

This… _this_ was what it was like to have a family.

A family. _His_ family.

"Thank you guys," he uttered, fighting back tears. "Just… _thank you_."

"No, thank _you_ ," Sniper replied, still smiling. "Oi have a feelin' now that you're back, things're gonna start changin' around heah."

"The reign of Ganondorf is nearing its end," Spy vowed, smirking.

"Aye!" Demoman cheered, sloshing his drink around. "Et's only a matter of time before we drag his sorry arse ta hell where he belongs!"

"This land may not be America," Soldier declared, conviction in his gravelly voice, "but by God does she carry the _spirit_ of America! And the spirit of America is the spirit of _Freedom_! We _will_ win this war, maggots, because while kingdoms rise and fall, liberty lives on in the hearts of the people! It lives on in _our_ hearts! And as long as those hearts still beat, **_GANONDORF WILL NEVER WIN_**!"

The raucous cheering reached a new crescendo at Soldier's impassioned and surprisingly-motivational speech before they all finally settled down to start the feast. Over the next twenty minutes or so, there was little more than small talk as they all dug into their food. Link had to admit, these guys knew how to cook. He'd never eaten so much in his life! The munching of food, the clattering of plates and silverware, and the various conversations created a warm, cozy atmosphere that put Link at ease.

Eventually, however, Link decided to speak up and asked, "So, how did you get all those fancy weapons and buildings set up?"

The laughter died down as the BLUs became pensive.

It was Sniper who answered first. "Do ya remembah me mentionin' a wizard a couple toimes when we first started out, lad?"

Link nodded.

"Well, let's just say we've had our fair share'a dealin's with him ovah the yeahs."

"Big ugly wizard is reason we were brought here in first place," Heavy rumbled. "Stupid magic wheel."

"Mostly thanks t'Jane 'ere's RED counterpart," Engineer indicated, "that wizard, whose name was Merasmus, really had it out fer all'a us, 'specially durin' Halloween."

"What's Halloween?" Navi asked.

"Best holiday'a the year behind Christmas!" Scout piped up. "Well, it _was_ 'fore Merasmus came around, anyway…"

"Halloween, or All Hallow's Eve in some circles," Spy explained, "is a holiday inspired by ze Celtic festival of Samhain. It is the time of year when ze boundaries between the physical and spiritual worlds is at its thinnest. Hauntings are commonplace, and those with magical powers become stronger. It is especially popular with children, as they get to dress up as monsters and go around zeir neighborhoods and collect candy from their neighbors. For us, however, it meant dealing with Merasmus _again_ in what's come to be known as ze 'Scream Fortress' event."

Sniper rubbed his forehead and sighed. "Every single Halloween, that wankah would show up with some new trick up his sleeve to make our loives a livin' hell. The noight we came heah, it was some twisted oidea of a carnival. The yeah before that, we had to deal with all the reanimated corpses'a all the bodies'a ourselves and the roival team left behoind from Respawn kickstartin' a zombie apocalypse. The yeah before _that_ , we had to foight Merasmus himself, and before that, we had to deal with some'a his kooky monstahs, loike Monoculus…"

" _Which was me fookin' eyeball, by the way_!" Demoman yelled, slamming his fist down on the table and pointing at his eyepatch. "Damned Bombonomicon hauntin' me eyesocket…"

Link, Navi, and Malon all winced at Demoman's colorful choice of language.

Sniper coughed awkwardly at Demo's outburst. "Roight then…anyways, yeah, there was Monoculus, which was Tavish's haunted eye turned into a monstah, and the resurrected ghost'a Silas Mann, our formah employah's uncle, which we called the Horseless Headless Horsemann."

Link and Navi were shocked into silence. "What did you guys even do to make this guy hate you so much?" Navi finally managed to whisper.

Sniper shrugged. "It was mostly the RED Soldier's doin'. The BLU Team just got dragged into it. Now this is where it starts to really get weird. The Soldier used to be Merasmus's roommate. Problem is, we don't know whether it was Jane or the RED Soldier, because both'a them say they were."

"Perhaps it would be appropriate to mention zat we and our counterparts in RED Team all look exactly alike," Spy pointed out. "Same looks, same voices, same personalities, and even, as we eventually discovered, same memories and even ze same names."

Link, Navi, and the other natives listened on in rapt attention.

"During our years working for Builder's League United," Spy continued, "none of us, not even myself and my RED counterpart, were able to discover ze truth of ze matter. It was a secret the Mann Brothers, and by extension ze Administrator herself, kept closely guarded. My suspicions deepened when Jane became friends with ze RED Demoman, only for the relationship to sour under mysterious circumstances zat the RED Spy and I later discovered to have been the Administrator's doing. She knew zat, if we and the REDs started socializing, we would eventually discover zat something was amiss."

Malon frowned. "She sounds as rotten as Ganondorf."

"Now you understand why we're so keen to see him fall," Spy replied without humor. "Anyway, it wasn't until some time ago zat the truth was finally made known. As it turns out, we and the RED Team were originally ze same nine men. All of us were ze best in our respective fields. There was only one problem…both Redmond and Blutarch Mann wanted ze same nine men to work for them. So the Administrator, who had apparently been calling all ze shots behind our respective companies and their dealings the whole time, contacted Merasmus and browbeated ze wizard into splitting our souls in half and creating two versions of us, which became the RED and BLU Teams. He then removed our memories of it ever happening, again on ze Administrator's orders, and was sworn to secrecy under pain of death. Given her resources, even Merasmus knew better zan to test her patience."

Engineer then took over. "Anyways, back on topic. The REDs were the ones who dealt with Merasmus the most, 'n we more often than not just got dragged along fer the ride. Well, the day we were brought t'Hyrule, we were dealin' with Merasmus's Carnival of Carnage, and Merasmus had this magic wheel he occasionally spun t'make things even more difficult for us. Then the wheel apparently malfunctioned, 'n before we could get away, we were caught in a magical explosion that brought us here."

"You know what happened aftah, lad," Sniper picked up. "But aftah you…disappeared, we relocated heah and started plannin' the resistance movement. One year lateh, to the day of our arroival…the spell-chuckin' wankah found us."

XXXXXX

Six years ago…

 _It had started out like any other normal day. The boys had gotten up to do their things around the ranch to help out. Engineer helped Ingo herd the horses into the range. Heavy was lifting bales of hay to take over to the cow pens, while Soldier dutifully cleaned up all the cow droppings to be reprocessed for manure. Demoman was off making some moonshine to replenish his stores and sell off the rest to add to the ranch's income. Pyro was chopping firewood, humming a cheerful tune to himself. Malon and Medic were milking the cows. Spy was inside the house, preparing breakfast for them all, (as it was the only thing he could do on a ranch that still appealed to his refined mannerisms) while Sniper sat perched on a sentry tower they had built a few months ago, allowing him to survey the countryside surrounding the property. Scout was feeding the chickens while Talon collected eggs, the Bostonian grumbling under his breath all the while and ignoring the fact he got one of the easier jobs._

 _However, their activities were interrupted as the sky darkened, the sun being obscured by thick, black clouds. Sniper stood up and whipped his head around. He didn't see any monsters approaching, but he could never be too sure._

 _Everyone had now gathered outside, watching worriedly as the wind picked up ominously._

 _"Daddy, what's going on?" Malon whimpered, hugging Talon tightly._

 _"I don't know, hon," Talon uttered, his eyes darting about._

 _"Talon, take your daughter and get inside," Spy commanded._

 _However, before Talon could do so, an eldritch green tear ripped open in the fabric of space-time in the middle of the range._

 _And from it, out stepped the last person any of them had expected to see ever again._

 _"_ _ **AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Tremble fools, for it is I, MERASMUS! At last I have found you**_ _!"_

 _"Are you freakin' kiddin' me?!" Scout cried, gesturing wildly towards the wizard. "Are we nevuh gonna be rid'a dis asshole?!"_

 _"Goddamnit, Merasmus!" Soldier yelled angrily. "Get back to Canada!"_

 _At this, Merasmus looked surprisingly offended, lowering his magic staff while the green glow around his body dimmed a little. "_ _ **Wow, you could show Merasmus a little more gratitude for finding you through the interdimensional ether**_ _."_

 _Engineer sighed heavily. "Whaddaya want, Merasmus?"_

 _Merasmus straightened, the single eye attached to the eyesocket of his horned skull headdress bobbing back and forth at the motion. "_ _ **I have come to bring you home, BLU Team**_ _!"_

 _The mercenaries all looked surprised at this._

 _"Ye mean ye can send us back te our world?" Demoman exclaimed, his remaining eye widening._

 _"What's ze catch, wizard?" Spy demanded, folding his arms. "Given our collective history, you can't really expect us to believe you're doing zis out of the kindness of your eldritch heart."_

 _"_ _ **I'm not**_ _!" Merasmus matter-of-factly declared. "_ _ **That annoying Administrator tracked down Merasmus at his secret castle OF DOOM! She ordered me to find out what happened to you and bring you back by any means necessary**_ _!"_

 _Engineer folded his arms. "Well, we ain't goin'."_

 _Merasmus looked genuinely surprised by this. "_ _ **What?! Are you not bamboozled with the situation of being trapped in a world not your own?! Do you not suffer persecution from the distrusting locals whose language you can't understand?! Do you not struggle every day to survive against otherworldly beasts you could not have imagined in your worst nightmares?! Do you not wish to return to the realm of familiarity, where your homes, families, and jobs await**_ _?!"_

 _"Nope," Engineer answered bluntly. "Can't say we do."_

 _"We actually like it here," Demoman belched. "Even with Ganondorf comin' and makin' a mess of everything."_

 _"…_ _ **Oh**_ _," Merasmus uttered, fidgeting uncomfortably. "_ _ **Well then…Merasmus finds this to be rather awkward**_ _."_

 _Engineer adjusted his hardhat and sighed. "Look, we ain't goin' nowhere, Merasmus. Ah might as well thank ya for bringin' us here, 'cause we found our true calling in this world."_

 _Merasmus looked around, ignoring the pointy-eared locals staring slack-jawed up at him. "_ _ **Ranching**_ _?" he suggested flatly._

 _"Maybe aftah the war's ovah," Sniper answered. "But roight now we're plannin' a resistance movement against a local toirant. We're actually doin' somethin' with our skills that's got real meanin'. So do forgive us if we don't fancy goin' back to live undah the Administratah's thumb and kill each othah every day just so the bitch can turn a damn profit."_

 _"_ _ **But Merasmus must pay off his debts somehow**_ _!" the wizard declared. "_ _ **I owe money to six separate gangs now, plus the State of New Mexico, and the Administrator offered to pay them all off if I brought you back**_ _!"_

 _"Why not just stay here?" Heavy abruptly spoke up, and everyone, Merasmus included, looked at him in wide-eyed surprise. "Heavy thinks you would like this world better than back home. Gangs cannot get you. Administrator cannot find you. And this world has more magic than ours. Wizard will feel right at home."_

 _Merasmus stroked his chin in thought. "_ _ **Of course…of course! Why did Merasmus not think of that sooner**_ _?!" Merasmus rose up to his full height, his body glowing more as he raised his staff. "_ _ **It seems I owe you my thanks, Builder's League United, for you have offered Merasmus a chance at freedom! I shall stay in this strange world and hone my magic powers! So mote it be, SO MOTE IT BE**_ _!"_

 _Lightning flashed as Merasmus laughed. He abruptly stopped, however, as he leaned towards them and said, "_ _ **Ah…perhaps Merasmus could trouble you with lodgings while he secures himself a new castle**_ _?"_

 _The mercenaries all groaned._

XXXXXX

"Thankfully, two years later he moved out 'n built himself a castle near Lake Hylia," Engineer continued. "As compensation fer lettin' him room at the ranch, he gave us all our old weapons 'n cosmetics back, installed that magical upgrade station in the back, 'n helped us build up our base with our more advanced technology, which is kept goin' bah a network'a magic crystals Merasmus provided us with deep underground in the emergency bunker. He even gave us access to a couple of spells from the Bombonomicon which'll prove useful if 'n when Ganondorf decides t'attack us."

Link's eyes were wide. "Is Merasmus helping us against Ganondorf?"

"He keeps mostly to himself nowadays," Sniper shrugged. "Not that we don't appreciate that. We've foinally had relatively peaceful Halloweens ovah the last few yeahs. Though we recently heard Merasmus found one'a Ganondorf's spoies troin' ta infiltrate his castle, turned him into an explodin' bottle'a piss, and sent his 'gift' back to Ganondorf."

The table was absolutely silent for a split second before Link, Navi, Malon, Talon, and Ingo burst into wild laughter, heaving and gasping and smacking the table as they completely lost it, the mercs joining in in a somewhat more subdued manner.

"Are you, haha…are you _ki-hi-hi-hi-hidding me_?!" Link struggled to utter through his uncontrollable guffaws.

Navi was so overcome with laughter she couldn't stay afloat anymore, landing backfirst on the table as she kicked her little unseen feet up into the air. All of them could only imagine the look on the Dark Lord's face when he had discovered the hilariously-disgusting effects of Jarate.

Malon leaned on Link's shoulder as she wheezed, "Link, h-help me, I can't brea-hee-hee-hee-heathe!"

Link blushed at the contact, even through his own laughter.

It took several minutes for them all to calm down, but eventually they did.

"Anyways," Engineer continued on, clearing his throat. "Merasmus has helped out in his own way. Bah givin' us access t'all our old weapons 'n technology, it allowed us t'share some of it with the locals. Fer instance, we got a two-way teleporter between here 'n Kakariko Village down in our base. It allows us t'coordinate more effectively with the Royal Army 'n warn each other'a various threats."

Link leaned forward, his expression determined and grim. "It's incredible technology, but so far, you've been using it to play this war defensively. If we're going to make progress, we have to start taking the fight to Ganondorf."

"You're right," Spy agreed. "Sooner or later we will have to go on ze offensive. But if we're going to do zat, we must do it from a position of power. And right now, Ganondorf has most of the power."

"There is a way to weaken Ganondorf's hold on this land," Link offered conspiratorially. "And I'm going to need your help to do it."

The BLU Team collectively leaned in, sharing his determined expression.

"Wot's the plan, lad?" Sniper asked.

"I need to find the Sages," Link explained. "There are five of them scattered around Hyrule. If I understood correctly, one Sage is in the Lost Woods, one is somewhere in Death Mountain, one's somewhere around Lake Hylia, another is, well, I don't know, maybe some kind of big tomb, and the last one is somewhere in a big desert."

" _Und_ vhat, exactly, do ve need zese Sages for?" Medic asked.

"Freeing them will weaken Ganondorf's position and strengthen ours," Link pressed on. "They have the power to help us. And we're gonna need all the help we can get."

The mercenaries all murmured their assent. After that, they continued with the feast, more small talk being made with an occasional burst of laughter. About an hour later, they had all gotten full, and the mercenaries set about cleaning up the dishes and putting away the leftovers. Over the seven years that had passed, the boys in blue had managed to install indoor plumbing in the Lon household after discovering a large underwater reservoir underneath the ranch, allowing them to wash dishes the modern way. While Medic washed the dishes, Engineer, Sniper, and Spy gathered up the leftovers in plastic bags and tubs and carried them over to be stored in the main base's kitchen. Once they were done, they bid Malon and Talon goodnight and began heading over to the barracks next door.

"This heah's where we all bunk up at noight," Sniper introduced as Link examined the barracks alongside the others. "All our weapons 'n cosmetics are upstairs."

Link looked around. There was a small kitchenette area off to the side for anyone who wanted coffee in the morning. Off to the other side was a rec room of some kind, with a table and some chairs and a sofa for relaxing. Straight ahead was a hall, and Link noticed doors on either side, each one having one of the mercenaries' names on it.

"These are your bedrooms?" Link asked.

"Yep," Sniper answered. And then they stopped at the end of the hall and faced a door on the left. "And this one's yours."

Link blinked in surprise as he looked at the door. Indeed, his name was printed on it, both in English and Hylian.

"We had an extra one set asoide for you," Sniper softly explained, shuffling his foot. "Y'know, just in case ya came back."

Link wordlessly opened the door and looked inside. While it was fairly sparse, with the only furnishings being a comfy-looking bed, a dresser for clothes and a mirror hanging above it, and a desk and chair set up under the window, it still looked inviting enough. Link glanced all over his new room. Somehow, it was… _different_ , he felt, than when he had owned his own treehouse back in the forest. It had been his, but he often had felt… _alone_ in his home. He had hardly had visitors, and it was always quiet. But now, he was living with other people. He had a room of his own, but now he no longer felt that pervasive sense of loneliness that had often plagued him as a kid.

This was his home now. Here, with his family.

Golden Goddesses above, it felt so good to say that to himself.

He turned around and hugged Sniper, now only half a head shorter than the Australian assassin.

"Thank you, Mundy," Link whispered.

Sniper smiled back and patted Link's shoulder. "Welcome home, son. Sleep toight now."

Link nodded and slowly closed the door behind him.

 _I'm home_.


	11. Mann vs Monster

**I'm just going to assume that FanFiction ate your reviews, guys. Yeah. Last chapter got zero reviews...**

 **With this, we are now fully caught up. Anything new will have to be written by me first, which unfortunately I've not been in a very good state of mind to do recently...**

 **XXXXXX000XXXXXX**

 **Chapter Eleven: Mann vs. Monster**

Link couldn't remember the last time he had had such a good night's sleep. The bed was more comfortable than anything he had slept in before. The covers were soft and warm, the pillow was fluffy, and the mattress was the right mix between firm and soft. In the back of his slumbering mind, the young hero just wanted to essentially hibernate in this little slice of heaven for a whole week.

Fat chance of that happening.

Link and Navi were quite suddenly and rudely jolted awake by a horrendous wail that rang in his sensitive Hylian ears. He was startled so badly he tumbled out of his bed, entangling himself in his covers in his groggy efforts to grab the Master Sword.

Before either of them could comment on the wailing cries, the door burst open, revealing a rather-harried Sniper.

"Get dressed 'n ready, lad!" he commanded urgently.

"W-what's going on?" Link asked worriedly through a yawn he failed to suppress.

"We just got word from the Royal Army less than ten minutes ago: Ganondorf's armies 're headin' our way! Now get movin'!"

Sniper then rushed off, leaving the door cracked open enough for Link to hear the sounds of the mercenaries chattering amongst each other worriedly as they bustled about.

"Let's go, Link!" Navi urged.

Link got his tunic back on and his weapons equipped as fast as he could before joining the commotion outside his room. The other mercenaries were gathered in the kitchenette, some of them quickly chugging mugs of a steaming black liquid Link didn't recognize.

"What's going on?" Link demanded.

"One'a the Hylian soldiers came through the teleporter a little bit ago," Engineer explained. "Their scouts report that Ganondorf's split his army in two. One's headed for Kakariko, the other's comin' right at us. We're lookin' at thousands'a enemy troops lined up against us."

Link paled in shock. "But there's just ten of us! We need to evacuate!"

Engineer shook his head. "Not a chance in hell, son. This ain't our first rodeo."

"Trust us when we say we faced _far_ worse in ze Robot Wars," Spy pointed out.

Heavy grinned evilly. "We will turn Ganondorf's monsters into baby food."

"So what's the plan?" Link asked.

"We've already told the Lons t'take shelter in the emergency bunker," Engineer answered. "No matter what happens, they'll be safe 'n sound. Sniper, git on up t'the lookout tower 'n keep an eye out for the enemy. Soldier, go on 'n raise them colors high."

"Yessir!" Soldier saluted eagerly before rushing off.

"Ah'll set up shop near the gate 'n try t'mow down as many as Ah can. The rest'a you will take up positions behind me. Pair yerselves up 'n don't get separated, we might face some teleporters showin' up behind us, so keep a lookout. Don't let 'em flank us. Medic, make sure ya keep 'em all in top shape. Übercharge anyone who might be in danger'a bein' overwhelmed."

" _Jawohl_ ," Medic agreed.

"What do you want me to do?" Link asked.

"Go with Medic," Engineer ordered. "He's got somethin' he needs t'give ya 'fore this all starts."

Link noticed the sinisterly-eager glint in the German's eye and uncertainly responded, "Uh, are we gonna have time for…whatever he plans to do?"

"They won't be on us fer another couple hours," Engineer said. "The operation shouldn't take more 'n half an hour."

" _Raus_ , _Herr_ Link, ve must not delay!" Medic urged eagerly, grinning in anticipation.

Left with no other choice, Link followed the mad scientist out the door over to the research center. On the way, he noticed Soldier raising three flags up a tall flagpole. The one on top was a flag with red and white stripes surrounding a blue box inside which were arranged fifty white stars. Below it was the more familiar symbol of Hyrule's Royal Insignia, and below that was a light blue flag with the Builder's League United logo emblazoned on it. Soon they reached the lab, Link watching as Medic fished a key out of his pocket and unlocked the door. "Come in, Herr Link!" Medic bade.

Link uncertainly followed after him. Navi, taking absolutely no chances with the doctor, hid herself under Link's hat as he followed Medic through the lab. Everything was unnaturally clean and white, a sterile smell hanging in the air. Various tables, beakers, and chemical compounds were arranged neatly all around them. But they strode past these until they entered a room labeled " _INFIRMARY_ ".

There were several hospital beds arranged in rows, but they continued on past even these until they reached a door at the back labeled " _OPERATING ROOM_ ".

"Ve're here!" Medic cheerfully declared, holding the door open for Link.

The boy hero uncertainly accepted the invitation and entered, Medic shutting the door behind him. Link took a moment to inspect his surroundings. There was a wire frame bed situated in the middle of the room, with a metal crane hovering over top, into which Medic's Medi-Gun was attached. Along the walls were various cabinets and drawers, as well as scattered papers and graphs that neither Link nor Navi could make heads or tails of. Pinned onto a bulletin board were various anatomical diagrams of monsters, with notes indicating what each organ was. Then Navi in particular saw something that made her tiny little heart stop cold: an anatomical drawing of a fairy. It was heavily-detailed, with notes on the different organs and theories about which ones allowed for usage of magic. It had even deduced that a fairy's glow was due to their fluorescent, magic-saturated blood, which made fairies glow brighter or fainter depending on how fast their hearts were beating.

There was only one way Medic could have managed to obtain such in-depth knowledge of fairy anatomy, something no one else in the whole of Hyrule had ever gained access to.

Navi felt like she would faint any moment now as the horror sunk in.

Medic had successfully captured and dissected a lesser forest fairy like her during the last seven years.

Having not noticed Navi's silent breakdown, Link paused at the sight of the white box with two doors while Medic began fiddling with his Medi-Gun's settings again. Not wanting to interrupt the doctor, Link slowly gripped the handle and opened the door, peering inside curiously.

He was immediately greeted by the sight of a severed Moblin's head.

 ** _Which was still alive_**.

" _Kiiiiiillll meeeeeeeeee_ ," the Moblin groaned weakly, its piggish eyes wide and pleading.

" _YAAAAAH_!" Link screamed, slamming the door shut in horror and revulsion and scrambling backward. "W-what in Din's name?!"

Medic rolled his eyes, not looking up from his work. "Ignore him. He's just being dramatic."

"Medic, there is a _talking Moblin head_ in this white box! **_WHY_**?!" Link cried, nearly panicking.

"For science!" Medic cheerfully replied, like it was the most obvious answer in the world.

Navi had had it up to here.

Racing out of Link's hat, she flitted right up into Medic's face, her blue glow turning into a dangerous, rage-fueled red. " _Yooouu_ ," she growled in the most terrifying voice Link had ever seen her use as she shook violently, " _are_ … ** _despicable_**! You _murdered_ an innocent forest fairy, and are subjecting that monster to a fate _worse than death_ , all in the name of _science_?! This isn't _science_! This is **_butchery_**! How can you even live with yourself?! What kind of doctor tortures people?! I won't let you include Link in your sick experiments, you hear…"

Navi never finished her tirade, for Medic, in a rather bored fashion, held up a spray bottle and squirted some kind of gas right into her face. To Link's shock, she dropped like a rock into Medic's outstretched hand, her red glow turning back to her usual serene blue.

"What did you do to her?!" Link demanded.

"I hit her vith a little sleeping gas of my own creation," Medic matter-of-factly replied as he unceremoniously dumped her in the fridge next to the Moblin head. "She should vake up again in half an hour, and ve should be done by zen!"

Link was not put at ease by this as he uttered, "And what, _exactly_ , are we doing?"

"I am going to perform a surgery in vhich I vill attach an Übercharge device to your heart," Medic explained, holding up what Link assumed was the device in question. "Once installed, it vill allow me to initiate vhat I call an Übercharge vith my Medi-Gun, vhich vill make you invincible for a short time!"

As much as Link was put off by Medic being, well, _Medic_ , he had to admit that sounded like it would come in handy in a tight spot.

"Have you even done this before?" Link asked.

"Of course!" Medic replied. "I first did it on myself, actually! _Und_ zen I performed ze operation on all of my ozzer teammates, even _Herrs_ Spy and Engineer, just in case! You have no reason to be vorried!"

Link was, of course, very much worried, but if the doc said he had done it before…

"Let's just…get this over with, then," Link sighed, leaning his sword up against the wall. "What do you need me to do?"

"First, if you vould be so kind as to remove your shirt, _Herr_ Link," Medic said.

Link uncertainly did so, feeling the cool air of the room nip at his bare skin and give him goosebumps.

"Now lay down on ze operating table," Medic continued, watching as Link hesitantly did so, shivering as he felt the cold metal brush against his skin. " _Wunderbar_!"

Link watched as Medic flicked on the Medi-Gun, and immediately felt the effects of its healing properties. Given he was fairly new to it, the healing haze managed to dull his senses a slight amount, as well as significantly dull his ability to feel pain, which worked in Medic's favor. As such, Link only felt the slightest prickle as Medic picked up a scalpel and, slowly and methodically, sliced a long line from the base of his collarbone to just beneath his navel. It wasn't long before Medic had the entirety of Link's innards exposed for the world to see.

Slowly, Link began to recover from the initial euphoria of the healing haze, and looked down to see that his ribcage and organs were exposed.

It was the most horrifying yet morbidly-fascinating thing he had ever seen.

It was with monumental effort that Link fought the urge to panic at the sight, knowing that any movement could very well kill him, or worse, annoy the doctor.

"S-s-should I e-even be awake for t-t-this?" Link stammered weakly, not knowing how much talking could affect the operation.

Medic managed a small chuckle. "Technically no, but I like to talk to my patients vhile I perform ze surgery. Now don't be alarmed, but I have just removed your heart."

" _You what_?" Link wheezed, his eyes wide as dinner plates.

Sure enough, Medic was holding up Link's still-beating, blood-soaked heart rather proudly.

"Do not vorry," Medic assured him. "Ze Medi-Gun is keeping you alive. As long as you _don't move_ , of course."

Link gulped, watching as Medic set his heart, by Nayru's love his damned _heart_ , on a metal tray behind him.

"It's quite fascinating, actually," Medic said conversationally as he poked around Link's insides for a bit, readying them all for the Über device's installation. "Apart from your elongated ears and enhanced hearing, you Hylians look exactly ze same on ze inside as us humans. Same organs arranged ze same vay."

"Um, okay?" Link uttered uncomfortably.

Medic mumbled something unintelligible to himself before he finished up with Link's innards. "Now, most human hearts cannot vithstand ze voltage of an Über device," he spoke up as he picked up Link's heart and unceremoniously jammed the device into it, flipping a switch. "But ve can alvays hope for ze best, can't ve?"

Link's heart promptly exploded in Medic's hands with a nasty ' _SPLORK_ '.

Link just looked at the ruined mess soaking into Medic's gloves in slack-jawed horror.

"M-my heart… _what_?!" was all he could say in his shock.

Medic, however, seemed unperturbed by this. "It vas vorth a shot," he shrugged, turning towards the fridge. "Not to vorry, I have a backup!" Medic then fished out a somewhat larger heart from the fridge. "Baboon hearts have never failed me yet!"

Medic stabbed the device into the baboon heart, which started to glow and pulsate.

"Did I ever tell you how I lost my medical license, by ze vay?" Medic casually asked.

Link just stared up at the ceiling, tuning out Medic's story. _This is all just a bad dream_ , he thought hysterically to himself. _That's it. Soon I'll wake up back in my room, and everything will be completely normal_.

"…and vhen ze patient voke up, his skeleton vas missing, and ze doctor vas never heard from again!" Medic finished, his mad laughter shaking Link out of his thoughts before the doc noticed the baboon heart had accepted the device. "Ooh, zat looks good!"

Link watched as Medic dropped the Übered baboon heart into his chest cavity. "Now, hold shtill. I don't vant to break any rib bones like I did vith _Herr_ Heavy."

If Link's skin could pale any further than it already had, it would have done so. Medic grunted as he shoved Link's new heart as gingerly as he could into place, thankfully not snapping any bones, though Link did grit his teeth in pain. Noticing this, Medic admonished, "Oh, don't be such a baby. Ve're done!"

"W-we are?" Link exclaimed in hysterical relief.

In answer, Medic moved the Medi-Gun closer to Link's chest and increased the intensity, and Link watched with relief and fascination as his whole body healed itself up, good as new. It didn't even leave a scar, like it had never happened at all. Link put a hand on his chest, feeling the intense heartbeat inside it, and took a deep breath. He had to admit, he felt a surge of adrenaline that made him feel like he could take on the world. Medic offered him a hand, but given that it was still encrusted with the remains of Link's original heart, the boy hero declined and stood up on his own, rubbing his forehead with a sigh.

 _What an ordeal_ , he thought tiredly.

He was jolted out of his reverie as heard a persistent thumping noise coming from the fridge.

"It vould appear ze _Fraulein_ is avake!" Medic chirped, opening the door.

Navi immediately flew out, glowing red again as she dove at the doctor.

" _WHY I OUGHTA_ …!" she screamed wildly, but was abruptly stopped by Link's hand.

"Navi, calm down, he's finished," Link told her.

" ** _WELL I'M NOT FINISHED WITH HIM_**!" Navi shrieked, enraged.

"Navi, please!" Link implored. "He's not worth it."

Navi raged silently for several minutes before she slowly began to calm down. "Alright… _fine_. But I don't want him coming anywhere near me or you unless I say so!"

"I make no promises, _Fraulein_ ," Medic declared plainly, opening the door. "Now, go and get ready vhile I clean up here."

Once Link had dressed himself and left with Navi in tow, Medic chuckled to himself. "Anozzer successful procedure."

XXXXXX

When they emerged, they found the rest of the BLU Team still running around, making various preparations while Engineer barked out orders, tinkering with a blue box-shaped machine sending out healing beams much like Medic's Medi-Gun as he did so.

"Mr. Conagher!" Link called out, striding over to Engineer.

Engineer wiped his brow as he stood up straight. "Hoo! Glad that's done."

"What is _that_?" Navi asked, hovering over the machine.

"A li'l ol' contraption'a mah own design," Engineer proudly explained. "Level Three Provisions Dispenser with an onboard Medi-Beam for healin' nearby teammates and a self-replenishin' ammo stockpile so they c'n reload when they run low."

"That's neat," Link replied.

"Further modifications'a mine 've increased the Medi-Beam's range 'n the amount'a ammo it c'n hold. It's also less vulnerable t'damage. If Medic's too busy t'heal ya up, just come on over 'n stand by it for a minute or two 'n you'll be right as rain! Speakin' of which, y'all finish up with the doc?"

Link nodded, while Navi glowered bitterly. Engineer seemed to notice this as he said, "Ah take it the doc's grindin' yer gears?"

"You didn't tell me he caught and dissected a forest fairy," she growled.

Engineer coughed awkwardly. "Ah'll admit, none'a us were too keen on it, but once Ludwig's got his mind set on somethin' there ain't no stoppin' him. Ah just hope he ain't gone 'n made us an enemy'a all the other fairies, since Ah hear there're Great Fairies out there."

"Great Fairies don't leave their fountains unless the situation gets _really_ dire," Navi answered. "But if your Medic enjoys life, he will _never_ enter another Fairy Fountain again."

Engineer nodded. "Duly noted."

Link cleared his throat to remind them of the situation at hand. "So what's our plan of attack? What do you want me to do?"

"Alright, here's what Ah got goin' for us," Engineer began to explain, unrolling a blueprint of Lon Lon Ranch and setting it on top of the Dispenser. "Sniper's takin' point up in that sentry tower. He'll focus on priority targets: captains, commanders, maybe even the leader if they're fool enough t'show their face. Ah'm gonna focus on keepin' our point defenses supplied. Mah Sentries ain't got infinite ammo, after all. Even so, they'll only be able t'hold 'em off fer so long before they start crossin' through our barricades. Spy, Scout, 'n Pyro will keep 'em occupied in the barricades as long as they can, but after they pull back, we'll have to maintain a bottleneck so they don't outflank us. Link, Ah want you 'n Demoman t'take care'a any monsters that try t'teleport in behind us. Merasmus also cast a spell so that any rupees them monsters drop 're shared between all'a us. When ya got a good sum'a cash, go on over to the Upgrade Station 'n see how you can upgrade yerself."

"What kind of… _upgrades_ can I get?" Link asked.

"You c'n upgrade yourself t'be faster, able t'jump higher, more resistant t'damage, and even regenerate any damage y'all 've taken over time. You c'n also upgrade that there sword'a yours t'swing faster, deal more damage, 'n even heal yourself with every kill ya make."

Link and Navi's eyes both widened. "That sounds awesome!" Link exclaimed with a big grin.

"Remember that they all cost money, son," Engineer pointed out. "So be sure t'collect any 'n all rupees them monsters drop. 'N finally, the last thing you c'n do with yer money, but mind you this don't upgrade yourself and it's expensive as all hell, is use the Bombonomicon spells t'summon a monster or two t'aid us in the fight for a short while."

"W-what kind of monsters?" Navi asked uncertainly.

"Ya got a choice between the Horseless Headless Horsemann, Monoculus, a swarm'a zombified corpses from our past Respawns, 'n even Merasmus himself, though he'll complain a lot if ya do."

Link nodded. "Alright. Sounds like a plan."

Engineer responded by pumping his Frontier Justice shotgun one-handed like a true Texan badass. "And now…we wait."

XXXXXX

 _One hour later_ …

During the time they had left, the mercs had gone and equipped their favorite cosmetics sets in preparation for the coming battle. Engineer now looked every bit like the cowboy he was at heart, hat, chaps, and all. Soldier was fully garbed in a suit of samurai armor to accommodate his Half-Zatoichi, equipping his Black Box rocket launcher as well. Demoman had gone full Demoknight, clad in a full-body suit of black armor with a blue plume coming out of the Dark Falkirk Helm he wore, his Stickybomb Launcher replaced in favor of his Splendid Screen and his Eyelander equipped. Spy was decked out in the attire of a French Napoleonic admiral, looking quite resplendent in his suit. Medic now looked like a proper plague doctor, with the mask and hat, his Syringe Gun replaced by the Crusader's Crossbow. Scout wore a knight's helmet that vaguely looked more like a football helmet along with a pair of Teufort Tooth Kickers and armor plate protecting his arms and shoulders. Pyro was wearing a new cosmetic he had picked up and modified in Hyrule, a Stalchild skull with attached horns over his head, over which he wore a spooky black hood, his suit modified with the Charred Chainmail and the Torcher's Tabard and his fuel tank switched out with the Coffin Tank, creating a truly sinister regalia for the firebug, who also equipped his Phlogistinator, Manmelter, and Sharpened Volcano Fragment. Heavy wore a spiked Knight's Helmet on his head, his upper body protected by armor plate scavenged long ago from a Heavybot. Sniper wore the Desert Marauder's Hood on his head, the Toowumba's Tunic in place of his regular clothes, and the Razorback on his back, having switched out his regular kukri for the more fitting Shahanshah to complete the ensemble and equipping the Machina to make use of the extra damage output.

Link and the BLU mercenaries watched from the safety of the wooden barricades impeding entry into the ranch as a huge swarm of monsters, thousands strong, advanced on them, splitting in half as they slowly surrounded the ranch, cutting off any hope of escape.

Not that escape was on any of their minds.

Link, however, did manage a hesitant gulp. "That's a _lot_ of monsters."

Engineer chuckled wistfully. "Y'know, son, back where Ah come from, in the Lone Star State'a Texas, some hundred-odd years ago, there was a battle in a place called the Alamo. A hundred 'n eighty-nine brave Texans held off a Mexican army'a over two thousand men." Link turned his head to listen to Engineer's story. "The Mexican government was restrictin' the rights'a Americans that emigrated t'Texas outta fear that the Americans were becomin' too powerful, 'n so the settlers rebelled. Among them was a livin' legend at the time, a former Sniper for Builder's League United: David Crockett, a crack shot who could shoot a fly off a burro's swishin' tail at a hundred 'n eighty meters. Together with the rest of them Texians, they held off the Mexican army for thirteen whole days, makin' 'em pay so dearly that they lost all taste for battle, and were defeated soon after by the rest'a the Texian Army."

Link quirked an eyebrow. "And the Texians…what happened to them?"

Engineer looked him straight in the eye. "Dead t'the last man. 'N when the dust settled, they took over six hundred Mexicans t'hell with 'em."

"Well _that's_ comforting," Navi murmured.

Engineer shook his head. "This ain't gonna end the same way, li'l lady. We got somethin' those boys didn't." He patted one of his Sentry Guns affectionately. " _More gun_."

"Indeed," Spy agreed, puffing out smoke from his cigarette. "Regardless of how this day ends, it will be a day long remembered. _Viva la liberte_."

Soldier took a deep breath and smiled. " _Ahhhhh_ …nothing quite like a final stand to get the old patriotic fervor boiling in your blood!"

Scout grinned, smacking his Three-Rune Blade into his palm. "Dese chumps'll be a piece'a cake!"

Demoman chugged down on his liquor before belching. "Poh! They're just a boonch'a wee lasses!"

Heavy revved his Brass Beast minigun, a deep, throaty chuckle issuing ominously from him. "Those monsters are in trouble now."

Medic grinned as he began to build up an Übercharge with Heavy. "It's about time I got to practice proper medicine!"

"Now moight be a good toime ta get in position, lads!" Sniper called out from his perch above them.

"He's right," Engineer nodded. "You boys know where t'go. Good luck!"

The boys split up and went to their places, ready for action. Meanwhile, a monster captain, a Moblin by the looks of it, stepped forward and snorted. "By order of the great Ganondorf, you are hereby sentenced to death for the crime of treason against your lord and…"

 ** _POW_**!

To the shock of the monsters behind him, the captain's head jerked back as a bullet tore through his rather tiny brain. He promptly fell backward and crumbled to black ashes.

"Keep a lid on that big mouth, whoile it's still attached to your bloody neck!" Sniper hollered, waving so that the monsters could get a good look at him.

There was no more to be said.

Roused by the death of their captain, the monsters charged forward as one with a chorus of roars.

Link startled as he abruptly heard a disembodied voice accompanied by blaring music declare, " ** _Welcome, lambs, to the slaughterhouse_**!"

Link and Navi cast questioning glances at Demoman, who just shook his head in a way that said "just ignore it".

" ** _Five_** …"

The monsters were getting closer.

" ** _Four_** …"

They would be in range of the Sentries in seconds.

" ** _Three…two…one_**!"

And then all hell broke loose.

A dozen Sentries of varying levels chirped and opened fire, bathing the nearest monsters in a shower of hot lead and explosives. Monsters dropped like flies under the withering barrage, and still they came on. Engineer ran between the Sentries, refilling their ammo as fast as he could, while Spy cloaked and Scout and Pyro braced themselves. Sniper managed to headshot another commander before the others were absorbed into the monster army's rush to breach the defenses. Link nearly fell over from the explosion of loud noises assaulting his sensitive Hylian ears from his comrades' astronomically more advanced weaponry. But he had to admit, their damage output was awe-inspiring.

However, even with the destructive power of the Sentry Guns, they were programmed only to fire on one target at a time, and the vastly superior numbers of the enemy ensured that they were closing in faster than the BLUs would have liked. It was at this moment that several Big Blins, along with giant Cyclopean Hinox carrying bombs took the lead, absorbing fire for their smaller, weaker comrades.

Engineer's eyes widened as he saw the bombs. "Boys, fall back!"

He and the others pulled back inside the ranch as the Hinox chucked their large bombs at the barricades, even as they finally succumbed to Sentry fire. Several earth-shuddering explosions later, and a gaping hole was torn open in their point defenses. What Sentries weren't destroyed in the explosions were clubbed to pieces by whatever Big Blins were able to close with them and survive.

Sniper, however, was on them in moments, scoring headshots against the giants with every shot and quickly dispatching them. "Thanks for being such whoppin' big targets, ya puntahs!" he cackled as he loaded another round into the chamber of his Machina.

However, the smaller monsters rushed past the ruined barricades, cramming into a bottleneck as they swarmed up the pathway…

…and found themselves staring collectively down the six spinning barrels of Heavy's minigun.

" ** _EEYAAAAAAAHH_**!" Heavy bellowed as he unleashed hell on the hapless monsters.

Their closely-packed bodies meant that there was little hope of avoiding ten-thousand rounds per minute of custom-made bullets tearing into their hides, and countless monsters dropped before the barrage.

" _AHAHAHAHAHA_!" Heavy roared. " _CRY SOME MOOOOORE_!"

Behind him, Soldier appeared carrying his Black Box, unleashing all three rockets at once into the monster horde. " ** _SCREAMIN' EAGLES_**!" he thundered as he reloaded.

Off to the side, Engineer was hastily building and upgrading another Sentry Gun, whacking the device with his Jag to make it build faster.

"They'll start teleportin' in any second now!" Engineer cried over the din of battle. "Spah, Scout, Pyro! Help Link 'n Demo cover our rear! Sniper, see if ya c'n pinpoint any'a their wizards 'n stop 'em from teleportin' in!"

Sniper wordlessly saluted before popping off a Stalmaster's head.

Though Heavy had forcibly driven back the monsters, he gritted his teeth as he felt his weapon click empty. "Heavy is out!" he cried.

"Go on back 'n reload!" Engineer ordered, taking Heavy's place with his fully-upgraded Sentry and a pair of Disposable Sentries. "Ah'll take over from here!"

Heavy nodded. "Come, Doktor!"

" _Jawohl_!" Medic replied as he followed his Russian comrade over to the nearby Dispenser.

With Soldier by his side, firing rockets into the monstrous hordes, Engineer was managing to hold his own and keep them from entering the ranch the conventional way.

However, Engineer had been right after all, for no sooner than that did several groups of monsters appear out of thin air, teleported into the thick of the fray by Wizzrobes.

"That's our cue, lads!" Demoman cried. " ** _FREEDOM_**!"

Link unsheathed the Master Sword as a Stalfos came charging right at him. The divine blade cut through the skeleton's weapon with ease and cut it down. The slain monster promptly dropped a Blue Rupee, which Link picked up. A Lizalfos and a Moblin double-teamed him next, and Link rolled under the Moblin's blow before slicing into its back. As the Moblin fell, the Lizalfos came at him screeching, and he parried its forward chop and slashed a deep laceration across its chest. Both dropped Blue Rupees upon their demise. He released a shuddering breath; it almost felt like the Master Sword was whispering to him, feeding its knowledge into his instincts, for he had never fought like this before. The skill was almost…not his own, and yet it was undoubtedly familiar. The Wizzrobe that had led the group cast a fireball at him, but Link instinctively slashed his sword at the fireball, dissipating it before he closed with the hapless magician and cut it down as well.

Demoman whooped and hollered as he showered any monster he saw with his bombs, wiping out some groups the moment they appeared. However, it wasn't long until the Scotsman ran out of grenades, and knowing he could not waste any time trying to get to the Dispenser and reload, unsheathed the Eyelander and brazenly charged at an armored Darknut using the Splendid Screen, which blocked his attack with a much larger sword. Demoman, however, was undeterred by this, reaching up and slapping a Stickybomb onto its forehead. "In our language, eat lead, laddie!" he cackled as he pushed himself away from the Darknut and detonated the bomb, blasting the monster knight to smithereens.

It wasn't long before the two swordsmen were back-to-back, swinging, blocking, and chopping at whatever threatened them. Demoman looked over his shoulder and grinned. "Aye, yuir doin' pretty well for yuir first time, boyo!"

"This is all so completely crazy, and yet it's actually kind of fun!" Link hollered back as he slew a foolish Stalfos. "That's not bad, is it?!"

Both Demoman and Navi responded at the same time.

" _Yes it is_!"

"Absolutely not!"

"Tavish DeGroot, you are _not helping_!" Navi rounded indignantly on the Scotsman.

"Ach, can't ye bloodeh women find a better time te argue with yuir menfolk?" Demoman groused as he beheaded an attacking Moblin.

" _Why, you_ …!" Navi growled.

"Navi! Battle! Remember?! Focus!" Link punctuated for emphasis as he hammered down a Lizalfos's defenses.

Meanwhile, Pyro laughed like a demon straight out of hell, running in every direction as he torched every monster he saw, happy to see their ugly faces light up in joy as he bathed them in rainbows in his mind. We all know, however, what was really going on. Moblins squealed and Lizalfos screeched as their skin melted off their bones while their organs cooked inside. A stray fireball from a Wizzrobe didn't even faze the flame-retardant madman, who just kept laughing as he pretty much chopped the wizard in half with his flaming axe. It wasn't long before more and more monsters began to realize that Pyro was someone, no, some _thing_ , they should all be _very_ afraid of.

And then his "Mmph" meter fully charged.

Pyro raised his flamethrower over his head and laughed madly as he was bathed in the demonic blue glow of critical damage. Suddenly it seemed his Phlogistinator was even _more_ powerful. Monsters weren't just being fried; they were _melting_ , meat, bones, and all, in mere seconds. Pyro alone was racking up more kills than the others, and some monsters were actually trying to run away from him, only to be caught by a spray of hot lead courtesy of a newly-reloaded Heavy.

Link could only watch as Pyro continued to rampage, utterly mortified by the wanton destruction. "Golden Goddesses above, he's a _nightmare_ ," he uttered with wide eyes.

Demoman clapped a hand on Link's shoulder, Pyro's background shenanigans allowing them a moment of respite. "Laddie, you weren't there when the RED Pyro found us in an old minin' town," he told him in a tone that spoke of a distant trauma of the past. "We'd gone there to hide after losin' our weapons after our first match of our careers, and that madman followed us. One by one, he burned every one of us alive. Some of us inside buildings, like our poor Medic, or roasted point blank at his feet, like poor old Sniper. Solly had his insides _blasted out_ from a shotgun round point blank in the chest. Worst of all, the Pyro is _insane_. To him, every poor bastard he roasts is a bloodeh cartoony fairy version'a themselves that's _happy_ te get baked, and the flames look like fookin' _rainbows_ to him. Both our Pyro and theirs. Te add insult to injury, we found out after we respawned that our employers secretly filmed the whole bloodeh thing as part of their marketing campaign for new hats. So Ah just want ye to understand, laddie; Pyro is our teammate, and a reliable one at that, but there's no denyin' that, whatever's under that bloodeh suit…it isn't fookin' _human_."

Link and Navi were both left gobsmacked by Demoman's horrifying speech about Pyro, and began to regard the firebug in a new light, who, oblivious to their conversation, was happily carrying on with the steadily thinning hordes of monsters.

Meanwhile, Scout weaved in and out of the monster groups, taking potshots with his Force-A-Nature and Winger pistol until he inevitably ran out of ammo. "Ohoho, can't hit what ain't dere!" he chortled as he easily ducked beneath the lumbering swing of a Moblin and stabbed his Three-Rune Blade through the back of its neck.

However, a Wizzrobe teleported behind him, prepared to cast a spell of destruction at his unprotected back, only for its own back to come under assault as Spy drove his knife into its spinal column. "I think not," the Frenchman smirked as the Wizzrobe crumbled.

"I didn't need ya help, ya damn frog," Scout scoffed.

"Shut up and keep killing," Spy grunted as he disappeared to search out a new victim.

XXXXXX

Koume couldn't believe her eyes.

Ten lowly humans against ten thousand fearsome monsters.

And the monsters were getting their asses kicked!

Some Wizzrobes were actually teleporting back outside the ranch, looking absolutely terrified, and she could sense that her minions' morale was beginning to waver more and more. It was unfathomable; at this rate they might actually _lose_.

Koume gritted her teeth. Lord Ganondorf would never accept it, and Kotake would never let her live it down. No; it was time for her to get serious. Taking into the air on her broom, her hair turned to fire as she screeched, "Keep going, you cowards! Or do I have to save your skins for you?!"

This was the last thing she said before Sniper nailed her right between the eyes, the bullet going right through the red gem into her brain. The now-dead sorceress dropped out of the sky like a sack of grain. Sniper grinned from his perch. "You've got a forehead on ya loike a coffee table," he muttered smugly to himself. "Should'a kept your head down, mate."

Koume's rather anticlimactic death sent a ripple of fear and confusion through the surviving monsters, and the mercs took advantage of this by redoubling their assault. With their commander dead, and countless allies dead too while they had failed to kill a single defender, all taste for battle left them, and the monsters broke and ran back towards the ruins of Hyrule Castle in a disorganized mob.

At that moment, the disembodied voice from before declared, with background music included, " ** _BLU wins! Good stuff, guys! Merasmus is…*sniff*, getting a little misty here_**!"

Link turned to Demoman, panting from the exertion of a battle hard-won. "That's Merasmus talking?!"

Demoman rolled his good eye as he replied, "Aye, but at least we don't have te put up with it every day like we did with the Administrator."

The dirtied, bruised, but victorious defenders all gathered together. " _Hoooooowee_!" Engineer exclaimed heartily, clapping each of them on the back. "Take a bow, boys, 'cause Ah'm sure that was a performance Ganondorf's _never_ gonna forget!"

"We cannot relax just yet, gentlemen," Spy reminded them. "Now zat we've broken the siege on our own base, I'd say it's time we lent a hand to our local allies."


	12. Back to the Forest

**Chapter Twelve: Back To The Forest**

Kakariko Village was engulfed in chaos. The lone stairway that led into the town was packed full of struggling bodies, both men and monsters, each side pushing against one another and hacking at whatever was in front of them. A handful of Goron freedom fighters chucked bombs into the tightly-packed monster ranks, decimating them. And on the sentry tower that overlooked the whole village, Impa manned the Level Three Sentry Gun provided to them by Engineer, which had been named 'Gonzales' by the Texan mechanic due to some event that had happened in his pseudo-nation's past.

When the strange wizard had given the BLU mercenaries the advanced weaponry native to their world back, they had been quick to share the technology with their local allies. With a machine that could teleport passengers between the two Resistance bases (and had apparently been coded to prevent enemies from taking advantage) and a so-called 'Sentry Gun' that Impa could control with a handheld device Engineer had shown her how to use called a Wrangler, they had been able to hold off numerous minor assaults by Ganondorf's forces over the years.

But this was different. Ganondorf had thrown half his entire army at them, and they just kept pouring in, even as she riddled them with bullets and the occasional rocket salvo from afar. Her frown deepened as the Sentry abruptly clicked empty. Thankfully she had spare cartridges on her person, also provided by Mr. Conagher, and quickly began reloading as quickly as she could.

Thankfully she wasn't the only one with, shall we say, _upgraded_ weaponry. The blacksmith, a big, burly man who used to operate out of Castle Town before it fell, had gotten to know the BLU Heavy fairly well and had been taught how to use a 'minigun' weapon that the Russian had affectionately nicknamed Natascha. And the blacksmith was putting it to good use, standing up on one of the stockades and unloading ten thousands rounds of hot lead a minute into the monster horde.

Alongside what Gorons had managed to escape Ganondorf's conquest of Death Mountain, the Hylian Royal Army was holding out fairly well, despite the odds. But Impa knew they would not be able to keep it up for much longer. She was on her last cartridge, and the blacksmith had just run out of ammo and was forced to fall back. The Gorons had also run out of bombs and had joined the melee with swinging fists and smashing hammers. Impa whispered a quick prayer to the Goddesses that they would see this day through as she prepared to resume fire.

And then, her prayers were answered.

The door of her house, where the teleporter had been placed, burst open, and out came the unmistakable figures of the Teufort Nine, shouting battle cries as they made their presence known. Impa allowed herself a smile; one half of this battle had been won.

And then her eyes widened as she saw a tenth figure among them, one who not only looked vaguely familiar, but also carried a blade she immediately recognized. The fairy flitting over his head only sealed it further.

 _The Master Sword…that must be Link! He's finally returned_!

"It appears we arrived just in time," Spy casually observed as he readied his Ambassador.

"Let's send these maggots back to hell with their tails between their legs!" Soldier hollered, leading the charge.

"Yo, wait up, chucklenuts!" Scout cried, following after.

"Aaaieeahsssshow ya the way te do et!" Demoman slurred loudly in pursuit.

"I am ready to fight babies!" Heavy challenged.

"Ready to charge!" Medic proclaimed.

Pyro laughed like a muffled hyena and charged.

"Sniper, y'all c'n take point up on that there tower with Lady Impa while Ah git this Dispenser up 'n rollin'!" Engineer declared as he re-erected his Dispenser, which had miraculously survived the previous battle unscathed.

"God save the Queen!" Sniper shouted as he ran up to join Impa at the top of the lookout tower.

"Let's go, Navi!" Link ushered, drawing his sword and rushing after his comrades.

XXXXXX

At the sight of the Teufort Nine joining the battle, the Hylians and Gorons cheered wildly, and the monsters wavered. Kotake paled at the sight. If they were here, then…

The old witch desperately called out mentally to her twin sister.

She was met with cold silence.

 _No_ …

Her sister was dead.

Koume, her other half, was _dead_ , and those bloodthirsty mercenaries had beaten her forces and joined the fight here.

There was only one thing the surviving Twinrova Sister could do now, with the odds now stacked entirely _against_ her.

"Retreat! Fall back, all of you! Back to Lord Ganondorf's castle!"

Her minions didn't need to be told twice. The monsters turned and fled, and soon Hyrule Field was awash with thousands of monsters as they retreated towards the safety of their master's stronghold.

Soldiers and civilians cheered and hollered in overwhelming relief and euphoria at their hard-won victory. "We did it!" Spy guffawed before catching himself. "Ahem, I mean, of course we did it."

Sniper and Impa slid down the ladder and joined everyone else on the ground. Impa looked around at all the cheering soldiers and said, "I owe you my thanks, gentlemen. With your aid, we turned what should have been a slow but certain defeat into a resounding victory that will certainly ripple through our enemy's conscience for a while."

Spy lifted her hand daintily and kissed it. "It was, as always, our pleasure, my dear."

Link's eyebrows shot up at the fact that Impa had allowed such a gesture.

"A gentleman as always, even in the heat of battle," Impa remarked with a genuine smile. Then she turned her attention towards Link. "Link…I see Princess Zelda was right to trust in you. The Master Sword suits you well."

"Princess Zelda!" Link cried. "Where is she? Do you know?"

Impa raised a hand, and Link quieted. "I'm afraid I do not know where she is," Impa answered, much to Link's disappointment. "And even if I did, I cannot tell you. Not yet."

Link's brows furrowed. "Why not?"

"Until the time is right, the Princess must remain in hiding, out of Ganondorf's sight. But fear not, Link. Now that you have returned, the hour of your reunion is drawing closer. But before she can resurface, you know what you must do first, Link."

Link slowly nodded in acceptance. "I have to find and free the Sages first."

"That's right," Impa acknowledged with a nod. "I have no doubts that you will succeed in this mission, Link. It is your destiny, and that sword in your hand proves it."

Link looked down at the Master Sword clutched in his hand.

"You boys go back to the ranch and help Link on his journey," Impa declared to the BLUs, folding her arms. "We have everything covered from here. Time is of the essence."

"The sooner we free those Sages, the sooner we can take the fight to Ganondorf!" Navi agreed.

"And then Heavy can finally, _finally_ , punch Ganondorf in face," Heavy growled.

"With a nose like his, I betcha ya gonna break it in half, Pinocchio-style!" Scout laughed.

"Impa is right," Spy reminded them. "We have no time to waste. We return to base and prepare accordingly. Tomorrow we move out."

XXXXXX

 _That evening_ …

Link and the BLUs all sat around the dinner table, having just finished cleaning up after having leftovers for supper. The Lons had retired to bed for the night, so they were all speaking in hushed tones.

"Alroight, so wot's the plan, lads?" Sniper asked first.

"I don't recommend everyone going at once," Link immediately spoke up. "What if Ganondorf attacks again while we're gone?"

"Link's right," Engineer agreed, shifting in his seat. "Ah, for one, would hafta keep luggin' mah buildings around. Ah'll stay. Ah also recommend that no more than two of us each accompany Link to each temple. Whoever goes, Ah want ya t'take along a teleporter exit so y'all c'n come on back in time for dinner."

"I think zat's a good idea," Spy surmised, taking a drag of his cigarette. "Most of us will still be here to defend ze base against attack, but Link will also have our support in those monster-ridden ruins. And after you use ze Teleporter to return after each temple is cleared, we can change members to best fit each environment."

"In that case, Oi'll go with Link to the Forest Temple," Sniper spoke up. "Oi'm a little more familiar with the area than you blokes. Who else wants to come?"

"I volunteer!" Soldier was the first to speak up, waving his arm.

Sniper rolled his eyes, but conceded. "Alroight, Jane, you're with us then. We'll gathah whatevah weapons'll suit us best 'n have 'em ready for tomorrow. Sound loike a plan?"

Link nodded mutely, while Soldier saluted and barked, "Sir, yes, sir!"

"Alroight, see ya in the mornin', boys," Sniper bade goodnight.

XXXXXX

Link and Sniper trudged towards their respective rooms, but as Link was opening the door, he abruptly said, "You guys don't have to do this, you know. I can go on my own and the ranch will stay safer that way."

Sniper chuckled. "What, and leave us outta the fun? Not a chance, lad. You're stuck with us. That's wot it's loike, bein' part of a team."

Link smiled. "Yeah, well…thanks."

Sniper returned the smile and tipped his hat. "'Noight, lad."

XXXXXX

 _Ganon's Castle_ …

Though Ganondorf had taken the time to resurrect Koume after Kotake brought her body back, it was only so both sisters could answer for the disaster they had overseen.

"What. _Happened_?" Ganondorf growled.

"Those blasted mercenaries had weapons of such power, we had no defense!" Koume cried. "I can't even describe what some of them could do! There were explosions, and they killed thousands of my troops without even breaking a sweat! And when I took to the field to improve morale and turn the tide, one of them shot me in the head! I still have a headache!"

"They must have some kind of magic of their own at their disposal, because they appeared in Kakariko, and I knew then they had beaten Koume," Kotake explained dourly. "That's why I ordered the retreat."

"You each had _ten thousand troops_ behind you," Ganondorf snarled. " _Ten_. **_Thousand_**. AND BOTH OF YOU FAILED TO ERADICATE THIS MISERABLE RESISTANCE MOVEMENT!"

"Forgive us, milord!" the Twinrova groveled at Ganondorf's feet.

"Bah!" Ganondorf scoffed angrily. "Stop that, you're embarrassing yourselves further."

The ancient witches straightened. "Now," Ganondorf continued. "That so-called Hero is certain to be on his way to try and free those cursed Sages. Go to the Forest Temple and warn my servants of his coming."

"Right away, Lord Ganondorf!" Koume cried before she and her sister vanished.

Now alone, Ganondorf folded his arms and stared out the window. _It seems I underestimated their strength. How long must those Goddessdamned mercenaries vex me?!_

XXXXXX

 _The next morning_ …

After a quick breakfast, Link, Navi, Sniper, and Soldier set out from the ranch towards the distant Lost Woods. Soldier was still wearing his samurai armor and still had his katana, but he had grudgingly switched out a rocket launcher for a shotgun at Link and Navi's urging, both of whom had stressed the religious importance of the temples. The Goddesses would not appreciate Soldier blasting up their holy places with his rockets. So instead, Soldier carried the Buff Banner, inside which were some food rations for the trek. Underneath the Buff Banner was the blue toolbox that contained a Level Three Teleporter exit that would lead straight back to the ranch once it was activated. Sniper switched out his Machina in favor of Kasuto's Judgment, equipped his submachine gun, and made sure to bring along a couple bottles of Jarate. He still had his Shahansha, but had switched his Desert Marauder Hood for the Archer's Stirling Helmet to offer some protection for his head, and to add to the ensemble, he switched out his regular boots and equipped the Archer's Groundings. He still wore his Toowumba Tunic, however.

And to make the journey faster, they all rode on horseback. The one Link had been given was a rather spirited sort, a mare named Epona. Luckily she had taken an immediate shine to Link, especially after Malon taught him a song that the Clydesdale seemed to like.

"High-ho, Ranger!" Soldier hollered, cropping his horse.

Sniper's horse whickered in annoyance at Soldier's loudness. "Shh, easy there, Sheila," Sniper whispered, patting her neck.

"So…Ranger and Sheila?" Link asked.

Sniper nodded. "These two were born about four years ago. They're siblings. Jane 'n Oi raised 'em ourselves 'n named 'em. The other boys all got ta raise one'a their own too. Jeremy's workin' on a foal he named Ghost, born two months ago, a handsome grey stallion. Misha has a big horse he calls Yenke. She's the only horse big enough for 'im to roide. Tavish reared a noice black horse he named Bruce, and wouldn't ya know it, he bloody got that poor horse hooked on his booze too. Malon gave him one hell of an earful when she found out, heh. Spoi's reared this whoite horse he calls Napoleon. Bloke was a nasty-good French tactician who took over Spoi's home country 'bout a hundred-fifty yeahs ago, and was known for roidin' a big whoite horse into battle. Damn near conquered all'a Europe 'fore an alloiance'a nations stopped him. That was back in the day when Frenchies loike Spoi could actually kick your ass and not hafta knoife ya from behoind. Anyway, Pyro got this noice brown pony he's real fond of he apparently calls Chocolate. At least Dell says he does, anyway. Speakin'a Engineer, he's got a big stallion he named Houston, aftah a famous commandah from Texas who won the big battle that let it break away from Mexico 'n become its own country for a whoile before it merged with the Unoited States Jane's forevah praisin'. We were a little leery about Ludwig at first, but he's raised a foine specimen boi the name'a Socrates. Malon herself raised Epona heah."

Link shook his head in amusement, while Navi said, "I didn't take any of you to be…well, that type."

"I'll have you know, missy, that I am officially licensed as an animal caretaker!" Soldier proclaimed defensively.

Both Link and Navi glanced disbelievingly between the two mercs. Sniper just coughed awkwardly. "Believe it or not, he's actually tellin' the truth. Him and the RED Soldier both. The RED buckethead got in trouble with Merasmus once thanks to that. Turned his castle into a woildloife refuge for a bunch'a raccoons, essentially kicking the wizard outta his own home."

" _Why_?" Link and Navi both asked.

Sniper shrugged. "Oi really don't fuckin' know how Jane rationaloizes any'a the shit he gets into."

Link and Navi both winced at Sniper's language. Afterwards they fell into a companionable silence as the three horses raced across the fields of Hyrule. It was approaching early evening when they finally reached the edge of the Lost Woods. The three of them dismounted, and Link asked, "Do we leave the horses here?"

"They know how to foind their way back," Sniper assured him before spanking each horse's flank, which all galloped off with indignant whinnies. With all of them staring down the edge of the forest, Sniper added, "We unfortunately didn't have the manpowah to see how Ganondorf's affected the othah territories, so expect anythin', lad."

Soldier pumped his shotgun. "Operation: Treehugger is officially a go, boys!"

Link quirked an eyebrow as Navi repeated, "Operation Treehugger?"

Soldier shrugged. "Couldn't think of a better codename."

Sniper rolled his eyes and took the lead. "Stay close, lads. We'll check in on them Kokiris first."

They passed over the bridge without incident, but when they entered the Kokiri Forest, they stopped cold, and Link and Navi gasped in horror.

There were monsters _everywhere_.

Deku Babas were growing out of control, so large and aggressive-looking it probably wasn't natural. Mad Scrubs were scattered around the area, scanning the area for intruders. Octoroks were swimming in the creek, and a Big Skulltula had built a web around the entrance to the Great Deku Tree's Meadow.

"This…this is _horrible_!" Navi exclaimed.

"Damn, it's worse than we thought," Sniper muttered. "Welp, you know what to do, lads! Get to it!"

"FORWARD!" Soldier proclaimed, charging towards the nearest Deku Baba, which tried to lunge at him, but its head was blown to smithereens by his shotgun.

Sniper climbed up onto the roof of one of the tree stump-like houses and began shooting arrows at any monster in range. Link brandished the Master Sword and began cutting through the various monsters. Though the monsters were certainly enough to keep the Kokiri subdued, they were simply no match for the fury and skill of Link and his friends, and before ten minutes had passed, they had tracked down and slain every monster.

One by one, the Kokiri slowly began to come out of their homes, having heard the sounds of fighting. They gasped as they saw all the remains of the dead monsters, realizing that they had been rescued at last. Soldier looked between each one, confused. "Where are the adults?"

"Kokiri don't age," Link solemnly explained. "They stay kids their whole lives."

"Hey…mister," one of the Kokiri girls hesitantly spoke up, edging towards Sniper. "Aren't…aren't you the outsider Link left with all those years ago?"

Sniper knelt down and tipped his helmet. "Yep, that's me, lass."

Immediately all the other Kokiri burst out with questions.

"Where's Link?"

"Why did he leave?"

"When's he coming back?"

"Why did all these monsters show up?"

"STAND DOWN, PRIVATES!" Soldier boomed, instantly quieting the shocked forest tribe.

However, a moment later, the first girl that had spoken before asked, "I have a question I think we all want answered."

"Go ahead, Sheila," Sniper bade.

"They say Link caused the Great Deku Tree's death, and that's why he left. Saria was the only one who always defended him. I have to know. _We_ …have to know. Is it true?"

Sniper noticed that Link hadn't said anything to defend himself, so he sternly answered, "No, lass. It's not. Kasuto was murdered, but not boi Link. Answer me this, Shiela: how much do ya know about wot's goin' on outside the forest?"

The girl shook her head. "We don't leave, and no one comes here."

"Then it's toime you all learned the truth. The Great Deku Tree was murdered boi the same wankah who set these monstahs loose on ya, the Gerudo King Ganondorf, who is makin' loife miserable for the whole country roight now!"

"Where's Saria?"

The girl looked up at Link, startled that he had spoken.

"Fado, where's Saria?" Link asked again.

Surprised, Fado uttered, "H-how do you know my name? And how do you know Saria?"

In answer, Link took out the Ocarina of Time and played a melody the Kokiri all recognized instantly.

"Wha…? But that song…Saria only taught that song to her friends!" one of the Know-It-All Brothers exclaimed. "Who are you?"

It was then that Fado's eyes narrowed slightly as she inspected Link more closely. The outsider's clothes looked strangely Kokiri-like. And that blond hair…those serious but kind blue eyes…and the fairy…

Suddenly Fado's eyes went wide. "It…it's you…isn't it, Link?"

Link slowly nodded, a sad smile on his face.

At this, the crowd of forest children gasped and murmured amongst themselves, some of them trying to get a closer look at Link.

"No way! How can it be Link?" one Kokiri boy cried. "He's an adult! An outsider!"

"Is…is this what happens to Kokiri who leave the forest?" another Know-It-All Brother wondered out loud.

"I'm not a Kokiri," Link suddenly spoke, silencing the crowd. "I…I never was. That's why it took so long for me to get a fairy. That's why I was destined to leave one day. I'm an outsider. A Hylian. I was brought to this forest by my dying mother, and the Great Deku Tree promised to look after me and treat me like one of his own. I know it's been a long time, and I know that means you might not trust me like many of you did before. But I swear…I didn't mean for all this to happen. I didn't mean to be away for so long. The one responsible for the Great Deku Tree's death…despite my efforts, he got what he was after and has now taken over most of Hyrule. But I promise I'll make it all right. Now tell me where Saria is."

Fado shuffled her feet glumly. "Three days ago…she and Mido went to the old Forest Temple near where she always likes to play her ocarina. We begged her not to go, because there's rumors that the Temple is…h-haunted. But she insisted, a-and she said she had to do something about the monsters. Mido went with her, to protect her, but…neither of them came back."

"Then we must not delay, men!" Soldier barked. "We got two comrades trapped behind enemy lines, and we need to extract immediately!"

"You'll need to follow me, guys," Link advised. "They call it the Lost Woods for a reason, after all. I know how to get to the Sacred Forest Meadow."

"Then say the word and we'll move out!" Soldier saluted.

"Bloody bastard didn't even spare the damn kids," Sniper muttered, shaking his head. "Solly's roight, lad. Lead us on."

"Please, Link," Fado implored. "Bring them both back, safe and sound."

Link nodded resolutely. "I promise."

The young hero jerked his head at his companions. "Move out."

XXXXXX

Sniper and Soldier followed Link and Navi through what almost seemed to be random turns through the dense foliage. Both mercenaries could feel an almost claustrophobic atmosphere pressing in all around them as they continued on.

"Stay close to me," Link urged. "There's an ancient magic in these woods. It was said that any outsider who got lost eventually became nothing but a skeleton, a Stalfos cursed to wander the Lost Woods forever, never able to find their way out. Any Kokiri who got lost…became Skull Kids. The forest might try to play tricks on you. Whatever you do, _don't lose sight of me_."

"Yessir!" Soldier barked.

"Got it, lad."

Sniper's hawk-like gaze made him swear he could see distant shadows with glowing eyes moving between the trees, always vanishing before he could get a good look at them. The New Zealand-born Aussie had been through many, many things in his life. Despite that, this forest managed to fill even him with a keen sense of anxiety, like they didn't belong here.

"The very warmth of my American blood seems stolen away!" Soldier harshly whispered; clearly he too could feel the nigh-hostile atmosphere around them.

"Guys, look here," Link suddenly called out, catching their attention.

They had entered a break in the forest, which led into what appeared to be a hedgemaze .

But to their surprise, they weren't alone.

" _Waaagh_!" a Kokiri boy cried as he rushed out of the maze, an enraged Moblin in pursuit.

"Croikey!" Sniper cried out, quickly drawing his bow and planting an arrow right between the Moblin's eyes, dropping it.

Link immediately rushed over to tend to the Kokiri, but stopped suddenly when the boy turned his head, looking up at him.

"M-Mido?" Link asked.

The Kokiri boy seemed startled by this. "What's it to _you_?"

"Oi, show us a little gratitude, ya little runt," Sniper snapped. "Seven yeahs latah and you're still a brat."

Mido promptly did a double-take. " _You_!"

Sniper grinned. "So ya _do_ remembah me!"

"It took me a week to get that horrible smell out of my clothes!" Mido yelled indignantly, totally ignoring Link. "I saw everybody holding their noses whenever they got close and kept keeping their distance! I couldn't even hold any meetings because no one would show up!"

"Served you roight, ya smart-mouthed wuss," Sniper snorted.

" _What_ did you call me?!" Mido cried.

Link opened his mouth to remind them all of their mission, but was immediately cut off by a fuming Soldier.

"ALRIGHT, PRIVATE! THAT IS _ENOUGH_ OF YOUR INSUBORDINATION!" the mercenary hollered, towering over the small Kokiri boy. "I HAVE HALF A MIND TO WHOOP YOUR UNGRATEFUL ASS, BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY YOU NEVER HAD ANY AUTHORITY FIGURES IN YOUR GOOD-FOR-NOTHING LIFE!"

"W-we had the Great Deku…" Mido feebly tried to defend himself.

" ** _I DID NOT GRANT YOU PERMISSION TO SPEAK, MAGGOT_**! WE CAME HERE TO GET YOU OUT OF HOSTILE TERRITORY! THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS SHOW A LITTLE GRATITUDE! AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, DROP DOWN AND GIVE ME TWENTY!"

"You know, he never did explain what he meant by that," Navi whispered in Link's ear.

"A-are you c-crazy?!" Mido stammered, his fairy hiding under his hat. "Twenty _what_?!"

" ** _PUSHUPS_** , MAGGOT! YOU _DO_ KNOW WHAT THOSE ARE, RIGHT?!"

"I'm not gonna do pushups just because you're yelling at me!" Mido indignantly cried.

" ** _YOU WILL IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO STICK MY BOOT SO FAR UP YOUR ASS MY BIG TOE WILL TICKLE YOUR SPLEEN, MAGGOT_**!"

"Yikes!" Mido yelped, and immediately dropped to the ground and awkwardly began doing pushups.

"ONE! TWO! THREE!" Soldier kept count.

By the fourth pushup, Mido could barely push himself up, his arms buckling and his chest heaving from the exertion.

"IS THAT ALL YOU GOT, MAGGOT?!" Soldier roared. "I'VE SEEN _BABIES_ DO MORE PUSHUPS THAN THAT!"

Mido collapsed on the ground and just started sobbing as he lay there.

"AND NOW YOU'RE CRYING LIKE ONE TOO! IS THAT WHAT YOU ARE, SON?! ARE YOU A _BABY_?!"

Mido whimpered something unintelligible over Soldier's obnoxious howling.

Link had seen enough, and quickly stepped forward. "That's enough! Stop it!"

"I am administering discipline!" Soldier matter-of-factly explained himself.

"Solly, ya've had your fun, now cool it," Sniper added.

Soldier growled deep in his throat before stepping back. "Ugh…fine."

Once Soldier had settled down, Link bent down to help Mido up. "You alright, Mido?"

"I-I just w-want to s-save Saria!" Mido sobbed, and Link immediately felt a pang of sympathy for his former rival. "I didn't a-ask for this! I-I just want…"

"Mido, tell me what happened," Link softly said. "Where's Saria?"

Mido sniffed, rubbed his eyes, then glared up at Sniper. "It's all Link's fault! And yours too! It's all because Link broke the rules and left the forest with you! Now there's monsters everywhere, and we can't even go outside and play anymore! And now Saria's trapped inside that broken-down old Forest Temple and I can't get past the monsters to save her! I promised her I'd come and save her if she got into trouble! I _promised_!"

Mido hung his hea and hiccupped. "S-Saria was always saying that Link would come back one day…she s-said he'd c-come back and m-make everything alright…Now she's in danger and he still hasn't showed! He was always flirting with her!" Link jolted a little at this, though Mido didn't notice the rosy tint on his cheeks. "I bet he found some girl outside the forest!"

Mido pounded the ground with his fist as he screamed. " _Why won't he come back_?!"

Mido looked up at Link, and Link could see the pain in his old rival's eyes. "He said he'd come back…I've been waiting for him all this time…"

Sniper folded his arms and shook his head. "You can't be _that_ bloind, lad."

Link just held up a hand to quiet Sniper before taking out the Ocarina of Time and playing a familiar tune. The notes echoed through the trees, almost as if the forest were singing back. Mido's eyes widened incredulously. "H-how…how do you know that song…?"

It was then that Mido took a really good look at his rescuers and stopped to think about certain things. The outsider kneeling next to him was wearing strangely-familiar Kokiri clothing. The hair was as blond as he remembered it, and his eyes were the same ocean-blue. And there was a fairy hovering over his shoulder. And then there was the presence of the outsider with the weird hat (though he was now wearing a helmet instead of said hat) who had thrown a bottle of his own pee at him seven years ago…

Mido blinked owlishly as he stared at Link. "It…it can't be…"

Link smiled sadly. "I'm sorry I was gone so long…"

"Link…is that…really you?" Mido whispered.

Link just nodded in reply.

Mido straightened up and sat back. "Saria was right after all…" he muttered with a half-hearted scoff. "What took you so long, Mr. No-Fairy?"

Link could see that the insult was half-hearted, and managed a weak chuckle. "Long story short, it turns out I'm actually a Hylian, and I'm destined to save the whole world from the madman who murdered the Great Deku Tree and is filling the forest up with monsters. But I wasn't old enough when I left the forest, so the powers-that-be decided to trap me in a seven-year-long coma. I missed seven whole years of my life in the process, and Hyrule ended up even worse off than I intended. But I'm here now, and I'm going to make this right. And we're going to start by saving Saria!"

With that, Link stood up and offered a hand. "Are you in, snot-brain?"

Mido looked at the offered hand, and his face slowly morphed into a grin at the mention of one of the childish insults Link had used in reference to him as he grabbed it and hauled himself up. "Wouldn't miss it for the world, Mr. No-Fairy!"

"So we're taking the runt with us?" Soldier asked.

"Hey, I'm not a runt!" Mido snapped.

Soldier's glare quickly silenced him.

"If you're plannin' on joinin' us, lad, you're gonna be wantin' this," Sniper spoke up, and before Link could say anything, the Aussie tossed a familiar blade over to Mido, who caught it in surprise.

"Hey!" Navi cried. "Isn't that the Kokiri Sword?"

It had only just then dawned on Link that the Kokiri Sword had vanished after he was put to sleep.

"How did you get it?" Link asked.

Sniper shrugged. "When we went to the Temple'a Toime to foind ya, all we found behoind that door was your sword and shield. That's why we thought you were dead. Oi meant to keep it as anothah one'a me knoives, but Oi reckon it's about toime it got returned."

Mido inspected the blade with awe before he recovered himself, a determined glint in his eyes. "Let's go save Saria," he declared with conviction.


	13. The Forest Temple

**Chapter Thirteen: The Forest Temple**

Link and his companions soon found that the hedgemaze was crawling with Moblin warriors. Despite the fierceness of these brutish beings, they proved no match for Link's sword, Sniper's aim, and Soldier's destructive shotgun. Mido had been shocked by the sound of the shotgun and the gruesome effect it had on whatever found itself on the business end, but eventually forced it down. And so they made their way through the maze, popping off any Moblins until they reached a narrow passageway that led up to a large, moss-covered stone fortress.

However, a Big Blin barred their path.

No problem.

Sniper nailed it in the eye as it began to charge, and while it was reeling in pain, Link and Soldier cut its legs out from under it and brought it down. With the area now clear of enemies, they could focus on what they all assumed to be the Forest Temple.

"Now this could be a problem," Link muttered.

The staircase that led up into the temple had crumbled apart, preventing them from reaching the entrance. However, a large, dead tree had an over-hanging branch over the entrance.

"No worries, mates!" Sniper declared.

They all watched as the Australian climbed up the tree with some help from his Shahanshah and then yanked off a long vine growing over the broken stones of the temple wall. He tied one end to the tree branch before tossing the free end down to where the others could reach it.

"Hope you lads're ready for a bit of a cloimb!" Sniper cuckolded as he waited for them.

Soldier and Link had a fairly easy time of it, but Mido struggled the whole way up. However, he persevered and eventually joined them, though his arms were sore and he was panting heavily. Now they all looked at the entrance with determined glares.

"Alright, ladies!" Soldier barked. "Let's make this mission high and tight! I wanna be home for dinner!"

Once inside, they found themselves in a large room with high stone walls. A huge tree was growing off to the side, as if the room had been built around it. At the far end was an old wooden door.

"No guards," Link muttered as they all stepped forward.

"Be careful!" Navi suddenly spoke up. "I don't think we're alone in here!"

Soldier pumped his shotgun ominously, Sniper fit an arrow on the string of his bow, Mido gulped as he held the Kokiri Sword up, and Link drew the Master Sword. Yet nothing leaped out at them.

"Almost feels loike the RED Spoi's out there," Sniper whispered.

They collectively began walking warily towards the door, when suddenly two shapes abruptly burst out of the ground with wolf-like howls.

"Look out!" Navi cried. "Those are Wolfos! Watch out for their large claws!"

The wolf-like monsters rushed at the group, tongues lolling out of their mouths. The first one, however, was quickly blasted backward courtesy of Soldier's trusty shotgun and did not get up again. The second one warily began to run in circles around them, trying to find an opening. Finally it locked eyes with Mido and rushed at him. Mido cried out in fear, holding the sword up shakily, until Link pushed him out of harm's way and sliced the monster's head clean off.

With the threat neutralized, they continued onto the next room, which was a small hallway that led to another door. However, positioned strategically over the door was a Big Skulltula suspended by a long silk strand. A simple matter for Soldier's shotgun.

Once it was down, they entered the next room, which was large and dark. Three passageways branched off in each direction, and the center of the room was illuminated by four golden torches bearing a fire-light of different colors, red, blue, green, and purple. It created quite an eerie atmosphere.

Navi started shaking fearfully. "D-didn't Fado s-say this place w-was…h-h-haunted?" she stammered weakly.

Link just quirked a questioning eyebrow at her, ignoring the fact that Mido and his fairy's knees were knocking too. "You're a fairy and you're scared of ghosts?"

"D-don't judge me!" Navi indignantly retorted.

"I ain't afraid'a no ghosts!" Soldier grinned, reloading his shotgun and pumping it.

"Not the worst we've dealt with," Sniper matter-of-factly proclaimed.

No sooner than he had said that, however, when the torches suddenly went out, and a creepy, high-pitched laugh echoed in the darkness.

"G-g-g- _ghosts_!" Mido and Navi yelped, Mido hiding behind Link and Navi under Link's hat.

Suddenly four ghostly beings appeared out of thin air with a hiss, each carrying a torch with one of the four colored flames. Each ghost was colored exactly like their respective light. Cackling menacingly, they each went in opposite directions, vanishing behind the other doors. As this happened, an elevator-like platform slid down into the floor.

"Oi take it we're gonna hafta go after 'em," Sniper muttered. "So, do we split up or what?"

Link looked around. "Mido and I will take that door there," he said, pointing at the northern door. "You guys can take the two doors on the left and right. We'll meet back here."

"Yessir!" Soldier saluted, heading towards the left.

"Toime ta hunt some ghost," Sniper smirked, heading towards the right.

"C'mon, Mido," Link bade, heading north. "Stay close to me."

XXXXXX

Sniper found himself in a short hallway, with a staircase at the far end that led down into a lower level. The New Zealand-born Australian's eyes narrowed as he saw a picture of the red-themed ghost staring him down. Sniper approached it cautiously, then took a step back when the ghost suddenly vanished with a mocking laugh, leaving an empty frame.

Sniper pursed his lips. "So ya wanna play now, do ya?"

Sniper whipped out his Kasuto's Judgment and readied an arrow, cautiously making his way towards the stairs. As he turned around, he then noticed another picture on the wall over the stairway with the ghost in it. Realizing it would disappear again if he got too close, he shot an arrow at the picture to see what would happen.

To his surprise, the picture burst into flames, and the ghost laughed as the empty frame behind Sniper burned away as well. Suddenly the ghost itself appeared with a hiss, glaring at the mercenary.

"Ya should'a stayed dead, mate," Sniper smirked as he promptly shot the phantom with his bow.

The Poe Sister shrieked in pain before vanishing into thin air, but her torch was now floating in the air, not sharing the ghost's ability to become intangible. Realizing the Poe Sister's intentions, Sniper brought out his Shahanshah and held it at the ready.

"Come on, wankah!" Sniper provoked. "Oi'm gonna carve ya a new cakehole!"

The torch began spinning towards him threateningly, but the seasoned Australian easily blocked the attack. The torch reeled back several feet, and the Poe Sister reappeared. Before she could move to attack, Sniper cut deeply into her with his knife, and with a final dying screech, Joelle the Poe Sister burst into flames and was no more. Her torch fell to the ground, the fire going out. From where Sniper was standing, he could see a golden torch like the four in the first chamber suddenly blaze to life, indicating to Sniper that his job was done here.

XXXXXX

Soldier ended up in a similarly-designed hallway, and the first thing that grabbed his attention was the large picture at the far end near a staircase that depicted the ghostly visage of Beth the Poe Sister. Pumping his shotgun ominously, Soldier walked towards the picture, glaring at it all the while.

His eyes widened as Beth disappeared from the picture frame with a mocking laugh. "What the?!" he cried, running his hands over the now-empty frame.

Feeling eyes on the back of his head, Soldier looked over his shoulder to see a second picture hanging over the staircase, with the phantom now inhabiting that one. Growling in his throat, Soldier yelled, "YOU CANNOT RUN FROM ME, MAGGOT! MY GUN IS FASTER!"

But as soon as Soldier aimed his trusty shotgun at the picture, Beth vanished with another laugh.

But the ghost made a deadly mistake in pissing off the BLU Soldier.

With a hysterical scream of rage, Soldier ripped the picture frame next to him, which Beth was now occupying, off the wall with his bare hands and began smashing it repeatedly on the ground until it was nothing more than splinters and broken glass, which promptly burst into blue flames and disappeared.

Soldier just stared down at his feet, breathing heavily with fury. The Poe Sister began to cackle again, but without even looking up at the remaining picture, Soldier leveled his shotgun at it with one hand and blasted it.

Deprived of her sanctuary, Beth appeared in front of the American nutcase just in time for him to blow her away with his entire remaining clip. Her body burned to ashes, and the golden torch lit up with her blue flame. Grumbling irritably about how ghosts were un-American, Soldier reloaded his shotgun and headed back the way he came.

XXXXXX

Link and Mido blinked in confusion as they wound up in a room with four large blocks arranged in the center in a disorganized fashion. A picture of the youngest Poe Sister, Amy, loomed overhead. The two of them approached the blocks, looking them over before looking back up at the picture.

"I think I know what this is," Link realized. "We need to arrange these blocks like the picture. Mido, get up on that ledge over there and help guide me through this."

Mido just nodded and did as he was told.

"We need to work fast," Navi spoke up. "I can sense some kind of timer charm inside this room. If we take too long, the blocks might rearrange themselves!"

"Then let's get a move on!" Link said before glancing up at Mido. "Which one's the top-left corner, Mido?"

Mido glanced between the blocks before pointing to one of them. "That one!"

"This one?"

"Yeah!"

Link began to push the block into position, which wasn't as heavy as he expected. "Okay, which one's the top-right?"

"That one right there!" Mido pointed.

Grunting in exertion, Link pushed the second block next to the first one. "Okay, bottom-left!"

"Right there!"

As Link began shoving it over to the others, Mido suddenly called out, "Link!"

"Yeah?" Link replied as he moved the third block into place.

"…I'm sorry I said you were banished from the forest."

Those words made Link halt in shock. " _Huh_?"

"Hurry, Link!" Navi cried. "Talk later! Move the last block before the rest of them rearrange themselves!"

Link snapped out of his stupor and shook his head. "Uh, right, right."

Without further ado, Link moved the final block into position right before the timer ran out, and the blocks all burst into green flame, which condensed into the floating form of Amy. Mido gulped in fear as Link drew the Master Sword. "Stand back, Mido! I'll take care of this!"

The green Poe Sister swung her torch at Link, who blocked with the Master Sword, but she went intangible before he could strike her. It appeared she was more cautious than her older twin siblings. The torch came spinning towards him again, and Link blocked with his shield. However, Amy had yet to reappear, and suddenly she changed targets, going for Mido instead.

"Mido!" Link yelled, rushing after the spirit.

Realizing he was in danger, Mido yelped as he swung the Kokiri Sword at the floating torch, but he gasped in surprise as he realized that he had actually warded off the blow. At that moment, the Poe Sister reformed herself. Feeling much braver now, Mido cried, "This is for Saria, you creep!"

He slashed at the ghost, which shrieked in pain and backed off, becoming invisible once more. Link immediately caught up and refocused Amy's attention on him. Easily deflecting any attack she made, the ghost eventually resurfaced just in time to meet the business end of the Master Sword. The Poe Sister was consumed by green flames, and a golden torch near where Mido was standing lit up with that same green flame.

Now that they were safe, they took a breather. Link looked up at Mido and commended, "Hey, Mido. That was pretty cool, what you did."

Mido released a shuddering breath, but then managed a smile. "Yeah…yeah it was, wasn't it?"

Both of them stood there in awkward silence for several minutes before Link finally said, "I'm sorry I was gone so long."

Mido seemed to search for words for a moment before he replied, "So all this time…you really _were_ an outsider. Why did the Great Deku Tree take you in?"

Seeing that question wasn't meant to be hostile, Link answered, "My father died in a war outside the forest. My mother was dying as well, but she had enough strength to bring me to the forest. The Great Deku Tree somehow sensed that I had some great destiny before me, so he took me in and raised me as one of you."

"Great destiny?" Mido repeated, a minor hint of skepticism coloring his tone.

"Do you remember the incident with the Baga Tree?" Link asked.

Mido scoffed lightly. "Y-yeah, how could I forget? That guy was a creep."

"He was a lot like the Great Deku Tree. He knew I was an outsider, and he also knew I was destined to become the Hero of Time. But unlike the Great Deku Tree, the Baga Tree, as a result, saw me as a threat. He knew that, if I grew up, I could stop him from taking over the forest. So he tried to kill me while I was young. If it hadn't been for you and Skull Kid, he would have succeeded."

"I remember crushing that weird bug did him in," Mido reminisced. "You think…that guy you mentioned was responsible?"

Link shook his head. "I don't think so. Ganondorf couldn't have known my destiny ahead of time. The Baga Tree was specifically after me."

"So…is that why you had to leave?"

Link slowly nodded. "The Great Deku Tree knew I would leave one day. I think he even knew to some extent that all this was going to happen. I had to leave because Ganondorf wasn't going to stop with just the forest. He did the same thing to the Gorons in Death Mountain and the Zoras up the Falls. I'm the only one who can stop him."

Mido seemed to consider something. "Saria…she knew too, didn't she?"

Link just nodded.

Mido sighed. "I guess it all makes sense now, doesn't it? Why you never had a fairy of your own…why they both cared so much about you…"

"So why were you always picking fights with me?" Link asked.

Mido scoffed bitterly. "Why do you think? She was always paying so much attention to you, and it bugged me because I didn't understand why. I thought it was…because she…l-liked you…"

This time it was Link's turn to sigh. "For all I know…maybe she did."

Mido closed his eyes, as though silently accepting a bitter truth he had always known but had been afraid to acknowledge.

"But, Mido…I never thought that way about her. As far as I was concerned, we really were just best friends."

Mido's head snapped up. "Huh?! _Really_?"

"Honestly, the Kokiri all look like kids, but you're all older than me. Unlike the rest of you, I wasn't old enough to really be able to comprehend that sort of thing."

Mido blinked several times as he took this stunning information in. "A-and…w-what about now? Do you…actually have a girl outside the forest?"

Link scratched his head, a light blush creeping across his face as he thought not of Saria, or Ruto, or even of Zelda, but of a certain red-haired farmgirl. "Um…maybe? I don't know yet, but…I think I _do_ like her."

Mido saw the expression on Link's face and couldn't help but smile. He'd seen that very same look on his own face whenever he thought of Saria.

"I'd like to meet her sometime."

This time Link's head snapped down to blink owlishly at Mido. " _What_?"

Mido couldn't help it; he burst out laughing, pointing at Link's expression as he guffawed, "Hahahaha, oh man, your face is _priceless_!"

Link awkwardly waited for Mido to calm down before he uncertainly asked, "Mido, are you being serious?"

"Yeah! I wanna meet her… _after_ we save the forest and you and those kooky outsider friends of yours show that Grandolf wacko a thing or two!"

Link snorted despite himself, but quickly sobered. " _Ganondorf_. And Mido…you know that would mean leaving the forest."

Mido hesitated a bit, but finally nodded. "Yeah, but…I think the Great Deku Tree told us all that so that we wouldn't want to leave. Saria actually thought the same thing, too, if you can believe it!"

"Guys," Navi finally decided to speak up, catching their attention. "I hate to interrupt, but I think we should head back now and meet up with the others. We still have to track down that last ghost."

Link cleared his throat. "Yeah, Navi's right. C'mon, Mido. Saria isn't gonna save herself, right?"

Mido nodded, following his former rival back the way they came.

XXXXXX

The three groups all returned to the previous chamber at roughly the same time, and all were greeted by the sight of a violet-clad Poe seemingly crying in despair at the three colored flames now blazing on the golden torches surrounding the elevator.

Their presence did not go unnoticed.

Meg, eldest and strongest of the Poe Sisters, looked up at them all, her slitted eyes turning red in anger.

 _You will pay for what you have done to my sisters_.

They all braced themselves as the one ghost suddenly became four, cackling menacingly.

 _Your bones shall lie in this chamber forever_.

"Guess again, lady!" Soldier crowed.

Much to Meg's astonishment, Soldier and Sniper immediately lay into her and her astral projections with a hail of bullets, miraculously only destroying her clones in bursts of purple flames. Link immediately set upon the real ghost and cut her down with one deft stroke of the Master Sword.

"You were loud and ugly and now you're DEAD!" Soldier boasted before realizing something. "…again."

The final torch lit up, and all of them watched as the elevator slid up to meet them.

"Goin' down, lads?" Sniper remarked as he took the lead.

It was a bit of a tight fit, but all four of them plus Navi managed to fit on the elevator, and they waited as it slid down to the next floor. They then found themselves in a circular chamber with a huge stone lever of some kind jutting out from the wall. Three indentations looking like doorways were arranged around the wall, but only one seemed to lead into another area, a hallway that was currently blocked off by some metal bars. At the far end of the hall was a large door locked by golden chains.

"Oi'm willin' to bet the boss'a this place is down there," Sniper said, pointing. "But how're we gonna get there?"

Navi took a moment to inspect the chamber, flitting this way and that before she finally said, "I think this whole room is a puzzle of some kind! We have to turn the wall using that lever until we find a hidden room that links up with one of those indentations! At least one of them should have the key, and the other should have something that can release the bars!"

"How're we gonna move an entire _wall_?" Mido gaped in disbelief.

"With the muscles God gave you, maggot!" Soldier declared. "Now _get pushing_!"

"Yipe! Y-yessir!"

Link and Mido pulled, while Soldier and Sniper pushed, and the wall began turning, and the first hallway slid out of view. After a few moments, another room opened up, and inside was a switch sitting on the ground.

"That must open the bars!" Navi declared.

Soldier strode over to the switch and gave it a good stomp, triggering it. "Open, says me!" he cried.

"It's 'Open Sesame', Jane," Sniper corrected him with a roll of his eyes.

"Well that's stupid!" Soldier groused. "What do sesame seeds have to do with opening secret doors anyway?"

"The bloody hell're ya askin' me for?" Sniper replied. "Oi didn't wroite _Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves_!"

Rather unsurprisingly, the Hyrule natives looked totally lost at this confusing exchange.

"…Do these guys always talk about weird stuff?" Mido muttered at Link.

Link just shrugged. "It would probably make more sense where they come from."

"Are we really getting into this right now?" Navi complained. "We still have to find the boss key and defeat the monster that's imprisoned Saria!"

Soldier saluted in response. "Roger that!"

They resumed pulling the lever until a new room appeared, and inside this one was a blue chest inlaid with patterns of gold. "That must be the boss key!" Navi cried.

Before Link could step forward to open it, Soldier beat him to it, only instead of opening it, he hurled it against the wall with enough force to smash it to bits.

"What the?!" Link exclaimed. "What was that for?!"

"Harvesting the gold bits!" Soldier replied as he gathered them up, as well as the key. "Gold is always more valuable than money!"

Sniper shrugged. "That's true."

Link threw up his hands and groaned at his companions' absurdity. With the gold deposited in Soldier's Mann Co. issue inventory pack, (which can hold a _lot_ more than it looks) the samurai-armored American held up the boss key.

"Boss key secured, boys!" he grinned. "Now let's go show Ganondorf's flunky how we do it in America!"

They slid the wall back into its original position, and this time the bars were gone, leaving them free to enter. As they strode down the hall, they noticed a number of weapons displayed along the corridor, mainly spears and bows. Navi flitted over to inspect them. "These were weapons used by the Kokiri during the Gohma infestations centuries ago," she marveled. "Link, look! This Fairy Bow is still in good condition! That could come in handy for you!"

"Oi agree, mate," Sniper added. "When we gotta chance, Oi can give ya some pointahs about good old-fashioned archery."

Link pulled the Fairy Bow off the wall, as well as a quiver containing a bundle of arrows. "Alright, let's get going. We've wasted enough time as it is."

They promptly stuck the Boss Key in the door, unlocking it and sliding it open. They crowded into the next room, the door sliding shut behind them with an ominous boom. They found themselves standing in front of a platform with a set of stairs leading to the top. They walked up the stairs and saw that the top of the platform was surrounded by barriers like what one would find out front of a fancy establishment to signify where the line was. Around them on the walls were arranged six identical paintings of a dirt path winding through a forest of dead trees towards a distant dark castle, with the moon casting a fell light over the scene.

Link turned to Mido and whispered, "Mido, go back down to where the door is and stay there. Whatever's in here will be a lot more dangerous than what you've seen so far. You'll be safer there."

For once, Mido didn't object, swallowing thickly as he did as he was told. With the least experienced member of their party safely out of the way, Link, Navi, Sniper, and Soldier walked into the middle of the arena, noticing that there were also Triforce symbols etched into the ground between each picture. Looking around warily, Link drew the Master Sword, Sniper readied his bow, and Soldier pumped his shotgun.

Suddenly three bars shot up, blocking off the way back down the stairs. While this technically wouldn't stop them if they wanted to get back down, given that they could just duck under the barrier lining the arena, they still all turned towards the noise.

And then they heard the soft snorting of a horse behind them, and they all turned back around.

Astride his great black war horse, staring them down with a menacing smirk, was Ganondorf.

"Ganondorf!" Navi cried in shock.

"It's him!" Sniper shouted, raising his bow to fire.

Ganondorf sneered at them, chuckling darkly. " _Not quite_."

Then, to their surprise, Ganondorf raised a hand over his face, and his skin and flesh seemed to burn away in blue flames, revealing a horned skull with glowing red eyes. " _I am his shadow_ ," the thing spoke in a voice much like Ganondorf's, only deeper and demonic. " _A spirit from beyond crafted in his glorious image. I am Phantom Ganon, and this chamber shall serve as your tomb for all time_!"

"Guess again, wankah!" Sniper cried, shooting an arrow at Phantom Ganon.

The demonic spirit swatted the arrow aside with an enchanted trident that appeared in his hand, laughing evilly. That laughter stopped when Soldier bellowed, "PREPARE TO TASTE THE STING OF AMERICAN FREEDOM, YOU COMMUNIST SON OF A BITCH!"

The ghost then took a shotgun blast point-blank in his chest, nearly knocking him from his horse. Crying out in pain and surprise, Phantom Ganon recovered and cropped his horse, sailing over their heads. To their surprise, he disappeared inside the painting, laughing mockingly at them as he rode towards the castle.

"GET BACK HERE SO WE CAN SEND YOU BACK TO HELL WHERE YOU BELONG, MAGGOT!" Soldier howled in fury.

Soon enough Phantom Ganon reappeared, riding towards them from a different painting. The only problem was, there were two of him doing this.

"One of them is fake!" Navi cried. "Aim for the real one!"

Link brought out his new Fairy Bow, aiming at one picture while Sniper aimed at the other. The one coming at Link turned out to be the real Phantom Ganon, emerging from the painting. However, given this was Link's first time with a bow, his arrow barely missed, whizzing past the evil ghost's horns. Phantom Ganon flew over their heads, tossing an energy ball from his trident towards the center of the arena. Upon contact, six lines of electricity spread out in all directions. Link and Sniper managed to avoid it, but Soldier wasn't so lucky, screaming and convulsing as he was hit with thousands of volts. Meanwhile Phantom Ganon had retreated into another painting.

But it was going to take a lot more than that to bring Soldier down. He wasn't the second-most durable class for nothing, after all. Recovering and smoking slightly, Soldier growled, "That maggot won't be so lucky this time!"

"Those bolts went towards them Troiforce symbols on the floor!" Sniper pointed out. "Don't stand in front'a them! Stay off to the soides!"

Phantom Ganon and his clone appeared once more, and this time Sniper was the one to cover the real spirit, and the Australian didn't miss. An arrow burrowed into Phantom Ganon's chest, and as he recoiled, Soldier emptied his entire clip into the demonic steed. The horse went down to the ground, crumbling to ashes in blue flames, while Phantom Ganon began hovering in the air, yanking the arrow out of his body and tossing it aside.

" _You cannot prevail against the darkness_!"

Phantom Ganon twirled his trident about before hurling an energy ball directly at Link.

"Link!" Navi cried. "Use the Master Sword! It can repel evil magic!"

Link instinctively blocked with the Master Sword, and to his surprise, he could now see the same energy curling around the blade, ready to be released. With a cry, he swung the Master Sword, sending the magic attack back at its owner. Phantom Ganon had not been expecting this, and was hit by his own spell, crying out as he sank to the ground.

"We've got 'im, lads!" Sniper crowed, unsheating his Shahanshah. "Now let's finish him!"

"GOD BLESS AMERICA!" Soldier proclaimed, leading the charge with his Half-Zatoichi drawn.

But Phantom Ganon recovered faster than expected, raising his trident to meet Soldier's blow. The ghost forced Soldier back a step and went on the attack, and the two traded blows for several moments, magical sparks flying each time their weapons clashed. Eventually Soldier made a critical error, allowing the tip of Phantom Ganon's trident to slip past his defenses and cut a gash in the mercenary's shoulder. To his credit, Soldier only grunted a little in pain and struck once more, but Phantom Ganon kicked the American in the chest, sending him flying backwards. The ghost rose back into the air, magic crackling in his trident.

" _To be quite honest, I expected more_ ," Phantom Ganon taunted them. " _Given how you've vexed my master all these years…perhaps you're not as strong when you're not all together_."

"Strong enough to take _you_ down!" Link cried, placing himself between his friends and his foe as Sniper roused Soldier.

Phantom Ganon laughed before he spun his trident around, multicolored sparks flying from the tip. Then the spirit plunged out of the air towards Link, his spear extended and multicolored magic sparks twirling around it in a drilling motion. Link leapt aside and tried to strike at Phantom Ganon's back, but the ghost spun around quickly and deflected the blow, flying back into the air out of reach before Link could press his attack.

"Get back down here and fight, you coward!" Link snapped.

Phantom Ganon's response was to send another energy ball Link's way, the mercenaries left forgotten in the background. Link struck it back with the Master Sword, but to his surprise, Phantom Ganon reflected it back at him. Link countered, then the phantom countered, and the energy ball went to and fro, its speed increasing with each deflection. There was no telling who would err first.

Sniper was not about to let it be the kid.

With Phantom Ganon completely focused on the Dead Man's Volley, Sniper aimed his bow once again and fired just as Link deflected the energy ball yet again. Caught by surprise, Phantom Ganon jerked as the arrow hit his right shoulder, and then he was once more struck by his own attack, falling back down to the ground, stunned.

Link wasted no time as he rushed at the boss, Master Sword raised. Phantom Ganon looked up just in time to see the Master Sword aimed right at his face. The Blade of Evil's Bane drove its way into the evil spirit's head, and he jerked spastically as blue flames began to consume his body. Finally Phantom Ganon's body went limp, twitching feebly as a dark vortex abruptly opened up in the middle of the battlefield, drawing the defeated ghost towards it.

" _Hey…not bad. I can see how you've managed to resist me so effectively these past seven years_."

They all straightened, looking around with weapons raised. That was _definitely_ the voice of Ganondorf.

"WHERE ARE YOU, HIPPIE?!" Soldier roared, brandishing his shotgun and ignoring the blood seeping down his shoulder. "COME ON OUT SO I CAN GIVE YOU A RIGHTEOUS ASS-WHOOPIN'!"

" _Hm hm hm hm hm…not today, little man. But your time will come soon. You may have cleansed this broken-down temple of my influence, but do not think I will simply permit you to continue. Soon enough I will have an army large enough to crush you once and for all, even with those impressive weapons of yours. On that day, we will meet in person, and before you die, every one of you will have the privilege of witnessing_ _ **true**_ _power_."

Ganondorf then seemed to turn his attention towards the crumbling remains of Phantom Ganon, and the spirit clutched his head and writhed in pain as Ganondorf said, " _I should have known this worthless creation of mine wouldn't be enough! I will banish it to the gap between dimensions_!"

Phantom Ganon screamed as his broken body was pulled into the vortex, which then vanished, enveloping the arena in deafening silence.

Which was then promptly broken by Soldier as he hollered, "I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU TRY, MAGGOT! AND ON THAT DAY, YOU WILL HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF WITNESSING THE POWER OF MY AMERICAN BOOT _AS IT KICKS YOUR ASS BACK TO HELL_!"

With the battle over, Mido, having seen everything from where he'd hidden, climbed his way up to meet them. "That was…that was…"

Link and his entourage all blinked at Mido in mild confusion, but Soldier most of all because he'd completely forgotten that Mido existed.

And then Mido cried out, "THAT WAS THE MOST AWESOME THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! He was all floating in the air, and you guys were swinging swords and shooting arrows, and there was magic all over the place, and BAM! And BOOM! That was so freaking cool!"

Sniper rolled his eyes, but even he had to admit that the kid had every right to be impressed.

But then Mido said something that left the Kiwi-born Aussie impressed himself.

"Link…I can't believe I'm saying this, but…you really _are_ more awesome than me."

Link smiled and held out his hand. "I couldn't have done it without you, Mido."

"Sure you could've!" Soldier spoke up, only to be elbowed into silence by Sniper. "Ow! What was that for?!"

"Just shaddup 'n let 'em have their moment," Sniper muttered with a mild glare.

Mido looked at Link's hand for a moment, then grinned as he shook it, winking as he did so. Link beamed in return.

It was at that moment that a familiar blue light appeared in the center of the arena, and they all knew it was time to go.

"I-is this how we'll find Saria?" Mido spoke up.

"Probably," Sniper answered. "Let's go finish this, lads."

They all stepped into the light, but this time the response was a little different. They were all encased in a shining blue crystal of energy. The crystal began spinning as it rose into the air, and then white consumed their vision.

 **XXXXXX000XXXXXX**

 **Finally finished this puppy. I've finally updated all of my major ongoing stories, so I hope you guys enjoy them all. I don't know what will update next or when, but it will come. Eventually.**


	14. Remembering Saria

**I finished this a while ago before the crippling depression returned, so I decided it was time I uploaded something just to assure you guys I'm not dead yet. This initially was going to be a longer chapter, but I shortened it due to a combination of running out of steam and wanting to get** ** _something_** **out, since my last upload date on** ** _anything_** **was all the way back in April.**

 **Anyways, the premise of this chapter is based on the popular fan theory that the various characters died before becoming Sages. If you wish to shoot me, be kind and aim for my head.**

 **XXXXXX000XXXXXX**

 **Chapter Fourteen: Remembering Saria**

 _Chamber of the Sages…_

"Where the bloody hell are we?" were Sniper's first words as they found themselves in the Chamber.

"W-what is this place?" Mido whispered in awe.

Whipping his head around so fast his helmet nearly fell off, Soldier declared, "Are we dead?! We better not be dead, maggots, because _we do not have permission to die_! Even if I have to do it as a ghost, I _will_ shove my glorious American boot up Ganondorf's commie ass until my big toe tickles his spleen! I will not pass from the world of the living until I cut off that freedom-hating bastard's limbs one by one _and make him eat them_! I will never rest till…"

"Relax, we're not dead," Navi chastised wearily, hoping to put an end to the mercenary's rant.

Soldier immediately perked up. "We're not?"

"No," Link replied with an awkward smile. "We're in the Chamber of Sages. This is where we'll meet Saria."

Soldier blinked once. Twice. "Is _she_ dead?"

Turned out that was the wrong question to ask, because both Link and Mido suddenly went very pale.

It was at that moment that the emerald pedestal before them with the Forest Insignia began to glow with a bright bluish-white light. All eyes were drawn to it, and soon a small figure emerged from the light, one Link and Mido recognized instantly.

"Saria!" Link cried.

"Saria, you're okay!" Mido exclaimed with a jubilant grin.

Link and Mido's smiles, however, began to falter when they realized that something was…off about her. Saria was smiling back at them, but the smile was almost _too_ serene, and the look in her eyes was more distant than they had ever seen it.

"You…" she began calmly, her voice still like a child's, and yet the tone much more measured and adult-like. "Thank you. Thank you all. Because of you, I could awaken as the Sage of Forest."

"Saria, what happened to you?" Link hesitantly asked. "You're acting all…different."

"Did…did that monster do anything to you?" Mido demanded, righteous anger flashing in his eyes.

Saria's smile faded, and the distant look in her eyes became sad. "Your friend there is right. You are not dead…I am."

Link's heart sank like a stone. "W-what…?"

Mido, however, laughed nervously, not wanting to believe it as he shook his head. "C'mon, Saria! T-that's crazy talk! You're right here, with the rest of us! Now that the temple's back to normal, we can go back home to all our friends and…"

"Mido."

There was something about her tone that cut through Mido's heart like a knife, and his mouth clamped shut.

"To awaken as a Sage…is to taste death," Saria explained. "When I ventured into the temple and was cut off from you, I was taken before the phantom of the Dark Lord, and Ganondorf knew at that moment I was destined to be the Sage of Forest. His…retribution was swift. He ordered his phantom to kill me." Then, Saria slowly raised her head, jutting out her chin.

Link gasped. Mido choked back a sob.

A long white line ran across her throat, a scar that could have only meant one thing.

"Christ Almighty," Soldier whispered in the quietest voice anyone had ever heard from him, and in a rare somber moment, he took off his helmet.

Sniper said nothing, but his hands balled into fists, and he breathed deeply through his nose to maintain his composure. But inside he seethed with hatred towards Ganondorf. Though he had not known Saria long, he had known that she had been a kind soul, dear to her friends, and saw so much goodness in the world. And Ganondorf had executed her without a moment's hesitation, an innocent girl, a _child_.

He was going to do a lot more than carve the King of Evil a new cakehole when he finally got his hands on the black-hearted son of a bitch.

Tears trickled down Saria's face as she lowered her head back to eye-level. "I died choking on my own blood. I prayed so hard to the Goddesses for one more breath. Just one more breath. But it was my destiny to die, so I could be born anew in a way where I can help you."

Mido couldn't hold it back anymore; he collapsed to his knees and sobbed freely. "S-Saria… Oh, Saria, I'm so sorry! I'm s-so s-sorry! I-I left you! I left you to die in there! It's all my fault! It's all _my fault_!"

Mido held his head in his hands and cried, his keening wails escaping his palms as he curled into a ball, hunching forward as he wept.

His breath hitched as Link's larger frame wrapped around him, tears streaming down the older boy's cheeks as well, his eyes squeezed shut. The warmth of Link's body was strangely comforting. Was this what it was like for human children with parents?

And then they both looked up in surprise as they felt a third set of arms wrap around them. Saria rested her head against Link's shoulder as she looked down at Mido.

As the mercenaries and fairy watched the soul-crushing scene, Sniper slowly took his helmet off as well and both he and Soldier held their helmets over their hearts.

"No matter what, I will always be…your friend," Saria whispered as she held her embrace. "I'll watch over you both every day, because I know you'll prevail against the darkness. I know you can defeat Ganondorf."

Eventually, she released them, and both Link and Mido felt her warmth leave them, and they both knew it would be the last time they would ever feel it.

"Link…I want you to have this Medallion," Saria spoke. "Take it, and remember that I'll always be with you. I'll always love you…as my friends…and my family."

Link swallowed thickly as he accepted the Forest Medallion silently, unable to bring himself to say anything. Saria then turned towards Sniper and Soldier.

"Keep Link safe for me," she said. "Keep the Kokiri Forest safe."

Sniper solemnly inclined his head. "Oi made a promise to ya before. Oi'm not about to go back on it."

Soldier cleared his throat. "Ma'am," he uttered in a tone that was strangely calm and respectful. (for Soldier, anyways) "I swear to God we'll protect him with our lives." With that, he snapped a salute. "And by God, I'll make sure your sacrifice isn't forgotten."

Saria smiled as she slowly stepped back until she stood once more on her Sage pedestal. White began to consume their vision, and the last words they heard from her were, "Thank you, for the best years of my life. Good-bye…"

XXXXXX

The next thing they all knew, they were in the Great Deku Tree's Meadow, and they all fell silent at the sight of the long-dead forest deity's withered remains looming over them.

"That is one big damn tree," Soldier marveled, looking up at the enormous but dead Kasuto.

"That's the Great Deku Tree," Sniper solemnly explained. "He was the guardian'a this forest, 'n Ganondorf killed 'im."

Soldier blinked. "He was a talking tree?"

"Hey guys, what's that?" Navi suddenly interrupted, catching everyone's attention.

The tiny fairy hovered over an unidentifiable seedling with two leaves branching out of it. Link and Mido leaned forward to inspect it as Sniper mused, "Hmm, Oi wondah… Kasuto may have been a deity 'n what-not, but he was still a tree. Maybe that's…a Deku Tree seedling?"

Suddenly the seedling exploded out of the ground, and Link and Mido fell back with a yell. Sniper and Soldier's guns were out in an instant, ready to blast the ever-loving crap out of whatever had just popped up.

"Wow, you guys are pretty smart!"

Staring back at them with a child-like smile was a small, round tree with tiny black eyes and a wide mouth. "I am indeed his seedling! I'm the Great Deku Tree Sprout! I'm so happy to finally meet you all! Because you guys broke the curse on the Forest Temple, I can grow and flourish! Thanks a lot!"

Soldier glared intensely at the Sprout, and Sniper could tell it was because his simple mind was warring with itself over whether this was a Communist spy camera or one of the talking trees he had just been told about. He lightly tapped Soldier on the shoulder and said, "Relax, Jane. That's a talkin' tree, alroight."

"You're _sure_ it's not a commie spycam?"

"Yep."

Soldier shrugged his shoulders. "Good enough for me, then!"

Link stepped forward and said, "Was Ganondorf stopping you from growing?"

The tree shook a bit in what was likely meant to be a nod of acknowledgment. "Yep! He's really nasty, though it's sort of understandable why."

"Why is Ganondorf doing all this?" Mido asked, upset with how everything in his life had gone so wrong. "Why did he kill the Great Deku Tree? Why did he send monsters to our forest to make us miserable?! _WHY DID HE KILL SARIA_?!"

The Sprout's smile faltered, understanding the pain Mido especially was going through. "Because just as it was Link's destiny to become the Hero of Time, and Saria's destiny to become the Sage of Forest, so was it Ganondorf's destiny to become the King of Darkness." Everyone gathered closer around the Deku Tree Sprout as he began. "Many centuries ago, there was a fierce and terrible war in our world. Majora, the dark counterpart to the Golden Goddesses, had vowed to corrupt or destroy all their divine works, and to that end he created a dark race of his own and unleashed them upon the followers of the Goddesses. This series of conflicts were known as the Demon Wars. Without warning, a massive rip was torn open in the earth, and from this breach emerged the demons of Majora. Leading this dark host was the greatest of all their kind, the one whom they called King. And his name…was _Demise_."

Somehow, the mention of the Demon King's name sent an involuntary shiver down even Soldier and Sniper's spines, even though normally they would think that a stupid name for a demon.

"Demise led the demon armies into battle against the denizens of the World of Light, and would have crushed them had the Goddesses not sent their own subjects to do battle. Leading the hosts of the heavens were Onigami, the God of War, and Hylia, the Goddess of Peace. While Onigami brought the fight directly to Majora himself, Hylia stood against the terrible might of Demise. Demise, however, was a traitor at heart, and he sought to possess the holy relic of the Goddesses, the Triforce, rather than destroy it as Majora had ordered. His ambitions failed him, though, for he was ultimately defeated by Hylia just as Majora was bested by Onigami. However, their battles left them with wounds so great that the only way they could preserve themselves and continue their watch over Hyrule was to seal away their spirits in mortal forms that would forever reincarnate when the world had need of them. The soul of Hylia became the bloodline of the Princess of Hyrule, and the soul of Onigami was reborn as the legacy of the Hero. _Your_ legacy, Link."

Link was taken aback. "M- _my_ legacy?"

"Whoa, wait a minute!" Mido exclaimed, waving his hands. "You're saying this doofus is a reincarnated _god_?!"

Link couldn't help but roll his eyes. Some things never change.

The look in the Sprout's eyes was surprisingly serious. "It is not something to be jealous of, Mido. To bear that legacy is to walk a never-ending road of trials and hardships. As the bearer of Onigami's spirit, Link and his descendents are forever destined to do battle with the forces of darkness whenever they reappear, with the Princess and her descendents as his guides. And I fear your battle with Ganondorf is only just beginning, and may never see an end."

"What?!" Soldier declared angrily. "I object to that! Unless Ganondorf takes Merasmus's 'kill-me-come-back-stronger' pills, we will bury his ass twenty feet under in a concrete grave if we have to!"

"Should Ganondorf be killed, he will reincarnate as well, just as Link and the Princess will. All three of you are linked by destiny, and a terrible, terrible curse. After Demise was sealed, a servant of his did everything in his power to free the Demon King. Despite the Hero's best efforts…the servant succeeded. And yet, against all odds, the Hero faced Demise in a duel to the death and vanquished him. But with his dying breath, Demise vowed that his hatred for the blood of Hylia and the Spirit of Onigami would forever endure as a reincarnation of his malice that would trouble their descendents, and indeed the entire world, for eternity. Ganondorf became that vessel for Demise's hatred. Thus, whether you seal him or kill him, Ganondorf will eventually return, and your descendents must do battle with him again to ensure that the Triforce of the Gods never falls into his hands."

"So, let's see if we understand ya correctly," Sniper spoke up. "Ganondorf is basically destroying Hyrule because he's the reincarnation'a your world's version of Satan?"

"So Ganondorf is the _Antichrist_?!" Soldier cried.

"A-and…I'm destined to fight him… _forever_?" Link quietly asked, his heart sinking even further at this grim news.

"I'm sorry, Link," the Sprout replied sadly. "If there was anything that could be done…"

Everyone was quiet for several moments. And then, Sniper straightened and fixed the Sprout with a steely glare. "No. Oi'm _not_ acceptin' that. There's gotta be a way to kill that wankah for good! And dammit, we're gonna foind it!"

"Maybe Merasmus will know something!" Soldier added eagerly. "God knows how many times he's tried banishing us to random places!"

"It's a start," Sniper mused. "That wankah knows all koinds of crazy magic. And we're on better terms with him now than the REDs ever were."

"Alright!" Soldier declared. "First thing we do when we get back to base is contact Merasmus!"

The Sprout shook his branches slightly in a way meant to convey a cocking of his head. "Fate is a difficult thing to fight, you know. You think you can defy destiny?"

"You're callin' this kid a hero," Sniper replied, "but if ya ask me what it takes to be a hero, Oi'd say it's doin' the roight thing because ya want ta, not because destiny says so. A _real_ hero makes his _own_ destiny."

Touched and invigorated by Sniper's words, Link turned his head, and the two shared a grin.

The Sprout shook a little, his smile reappearing. "Hmm…you're an interesting guy, Mr. Mundy. Hope is a wonderful, yet dangerous thing. But if there is some way to prevent the legacy of Demise from scarring the history of our world, I'm sure you'll find it! Now, you guys better get going! The world isn't going to save itself, after all!"

Soldier saluted with a grin. "Yessir!"

Without further ado, they all left the Deku Tree's Grove.

XXXXXX

The atmosphere of the Kokiri Forest that evening was silent and solemn. The children of the forest had initially cheered when they saw Link and his companions return with Mido, but their cheer faltered when they quickly noticed that Saria was not among them. Then Mido delivered the terrible news to them all.

Saria was never coming back.

And so, as the sun began to dip below the horizon, the Kokiri held a memorial service for their most beloved friend.

Soldier and Sniper stood in the back of Mido's large house, which doubled as the village's meeting hall, hats off and standing straight in grim-faced silence. Gathered in front of them were all the Kokiri, teary-eyed and grief-stricken, as Mido stood up at the podium where he normally gave his proclamations. A detailed sketch of Saria's smiling face, which had been provided by Sniper thanks to his secret sketching skills and eye for detail, sat on the podium for all to see. Standing close by was Link.

Mido sniffed before clearing his throat. "I…I guess I thought too hard on what I should say, but…I'm just gonna say what I want." He looked at Link, who nodded in encouragement. Turning back to face the small crowd, Mido continued. "Saria was…the truest friend any of us ever had. Whenever anything bothered us, she was always there to make us feel better. We all loved her. I… _loved_ her. I honestly wish all of you could have gotten the good-bye I did, because she meant a lot to each and every one of us. A-and…while she's no longer w-with us, she'll a-always be watching over us."

The Kokiri sniffed and clapped quietly as Mido stepped aside, and Link took the stand.

"I…I know I was gone long, but…I never forgot the friendship Saria showed me all these years. When I left, she was the last one to see me go, and I swore I'd come back one day, and that we would always be friends…no matter what. And I know without a doubt that she's not truly gone. Not only does she have a new life and a new purpose in the realm of the gods, but she lives on in our hearts and memories. And I know that we'll never forget all the good times she shared with us all. We will miss her…but we'll always remember her."

As the crowd clapped in remembrance, Link looked up at the mercs in the back, and Sniper inclined his head in respect.

XXXXXX

Once the memorial service was over, and Link said his good-byes to them all, he and the BLUs stood near the exit to the Kokiri village as Soldier unpacked the teleporter they had brought with them. Mido happened to still be with them and spoke up, "Uh, what is that?"

"It's a teleporter, lad," Sniper explained. "It's a handy little devoice that will instantly transport ya to our home base in Lon Lon Ranch, and it can also transport ya back here. All ya have to do is stand on it."

Mido smiled. "That's pretty cool. After all this craziness blows over, maybe I will come and see this girl of yours, Link."

Mido grinned as Link tried to suppress a blush at that. "Don't worry, Mido. Ganondorf's going down soon, and when he does he'll go down _hard_. I look forward to whatever comes next."

Link and his former rival shook hands and shared a wink. "See ya around…Mr. Hero."

Link laughed at that. "Later, Mido."

And with that, Mido walked away to rejoin his fellow Kokiri. Link spent a moment watching him go with a wistful smile, which Sniper noticed. "You gonna be alroight there, lad?"

Link shook his head a little before he replied, "Yeah. I'm just glad that, even after everything that's happened, Mido and I are friends now. Saria would have been proud."

"That she would, son," Soldier declared, clapping Link on the shoulder. "That she would. Now let's get back to base before the boys start dinner without us!"

Link, Navi, and Sniper all shared a laugh. "Good to know you got your priorities straight, mate," Sniper chuckled.

And so they stepped through the teleporter home.


End file.
